Men Who Need To Control Everyone & Everything Are Usually Trying To Hide From 11 Painful Emotions
syedfahadghazanfar / ShutterstockControlling men can make difficult partners. They need to call all of the shots. This behavior can make you feel like you’re not an equal in the relationship.
It’s easy to grow frustrated with a man like this. When we feel controlled, we often want to shut down completely. We may not think about what could be causing this behavior under the surface. Men can be notorious for holding in their emotions. They can struggle to process them in a healthy way. Instead, they might push them deep down until they spill over. This might take shape as control. While this doesn’t justify his behavior, he might come across as controlling because he is trying to hide from painful emotions.
Men who need to control everyone & everything are usually trying to hide from 11 painful emotions
1. He feels insecure
Mixmike from Getty Images Signature via Canva
Insecurity is difficult to navigate. If a man is struggling with this, he will think he isn’t good enough. This can cause him to act out. Instead of showing what he thinks makes him weak, he might try to take control of everyone and everything. It can make him feel stronger than he actually is. If he wants to mask his insecurity with control, he can become abrasive.
It might be hard to find sympathy for someone who comes across as controlling. We may not consider them to be suffering. They may use control as a way to hide from the underlying insecurity they’re feeling.
2. He struggles with anxiety
Damir Khabirov from Getty Images via Canva
Feeling anxious can be all-consuming. When I’m anxious, I want to feel in control of the world around me. Control is a hidden form of anxiety. It comes from that overwhelming feeling that you’re not going to be okay. You might do anything you can to hold on to what little say you have over everyone and everything.
Anxiety can make us do things we wouldn’t usually feel comfortable doing. For some men, they may instantly take control to feel like they have a say in something going on in their life since everything feels uncertain.
3. He has deep fears
SolStock from Getty Images Signature via Canva
A deep fear of uncertainty can cause men to take control of everyone and everything in their lives. It’s not easy to leave things up to chance, but that’s how the future works. They might want to control what they can to keep that fear at bay. While they may think this can benefit them, it often backfires. The people in their lives want to be there for them, but might become pushed away when they try to control them.
Men can struggle to talk about what scares them. There is an outdated idea that showing fear makes you weak. Control might make them feel like they aren’t showing that weakness.
4. He is ashamed of something
pixelshot via Canva
If a man is going through something serious, he might feel shame about it. Asking for help isn’t easy, and studies have found that men feel embarrassed to seek out therapy. This can cause their shame to show up in different ways. For some, defaulting to controlling behavior might eliminate that feeling. However, it’s a short-term fix rather than a long-term solution.
Shame can slowly eat away at someone. Since they are struggling internally, they may try to seek control of everything and everyone around them. It can give them a sense of strength that they may feel they lack because of the shame they deal with.
5. He feels weak
AndreyPopov from Getty Images via Canva
From a young age, men are taught not to look weak. Many were told that showing emotion and being vulnerable wasn’t a good look, and they should always look as strong as possible. Now, he might try to cover up what makes him feel weak. Instead of embracing his weaknesses and growing from them, he can try to escape them entirely. By taking control, he’ll think he looks stronger than he truly feels.
Men might choose to take control of everyone or everything because other things in their lives make them feel out of control. The truth is, there is strength to be found in vulnerability. Instead of acting controlling, people might feel more sympathetic if he opened up about what they were trying to hide from.
6. He is angry
dimaberlinphotos via Canva
Being controlled provokes anger. No one wants to be told what to do and how to do it. We might shut down when we feel controlled, unable to think about why that person is treating us this way. It can be difficult to try to understand where a man like this is coming from. However, they might be trying to hide from their own painful anger.
A man like this might not be able to control their anger. Instead, they’ll try to control everyone and everything around them. It can be a coping mechanism. While not effective, it can help them feel better about themselves, if only temporarily.
7. He has unresolved trauma
Syda Productions via Canva
Trauma affects all of us differently. When we’ve endured something difficult, it sticks with us. It can cause us to act out, and for some, that means becoming controlling. They may not have felt control in their own life during these times of trauma, and may feel safer when they are calling the shots for everyone and everything. They might be trying to escape from the painful emotions they endured.
“For victims of ongoing exposure to trauma, control becomes a safety benchmark that allows them breathing room. By exerting control over even the smallest details of their environment, they are effectively creating a safe space in which outcomes become more predictable,” says Jamie Cannon, MS, LPC. “When someone has been repeatedly traumatized, predictability can be a lifesaver.”
8. He feels tremendous guilt
Alex Green from Pexels via Canva
Guilt can weigh heavily on us. It can be difficult to forgive ourselves when we make a mistake. Some men may struggle to admit when they are wrong, even if they know what they did was wrong. If they feel sorry for their behavior but struggle to vocalize it, they might hold onto the guilt. It can eat at them until they feel like they are going to bubble over.
If a man isn’t willing to work through his guilt, he may double down. Instead of apologizing, he can grow controlling. He doesn’t want to admit his faults, so he acts out to escape his guilty conscience.
9. He is sad
pixelshot via Canva
It can be hard for men to admit when they are sad. Their emotions can become overwhelming. Instead of working through this painful feeling, they might choose to try to find control where they can. Since they don’t feel like they have a say over their emotions, they may find comfort in controlling everyone and everything else. This may cause them to make decisions for other people, or hold them to high standards they know are unrealistic.
When you’re on the other side of a man’s control, you might not be thinking that he’s dealing with sadness or trauma. However, his behavior may be a way for him to mask what he’s truly dealing with. He doesn’t want to appear weak, so he takes control.
10. He is grieving
Kiera Burton from Pexels via Canva
Dealing with grief is painful. When we lose someone close to us or something that meant a lot to us, we might not act like ourselves. If a man is working through deep grief, he might do anything he can to hide his feelings. Taking control can make him feel like himself. Since his life is moving in a way that is devastating him, controlling other people can make them feel like they have some say in what’s going on.
It’s not a healthy way to cope, of course. Instead of finding comfort in other people, they are pushing them away. It can be hard to make them feel supported when they are doing everything they can to break us down during the process.
11. He is jealous
Syda Productions via Canva
When a man is jealous, his first thought may be to try to control the person he’s dating. He wants her to know that she belongs to him. Often, a man like this fears that the woman in his life will leave him for someone else. Rejection can be a major trigger for some men. Instead of sharing how he feels, he might try to control her.
Control pushes most women away. While he’s clearly going through his own problems, it’s hard to be there for him when he’s treating her poorly. Instead of getting the support and reassurance he needs, his painful jealousy is taking a toll on his relationship.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
