Controlling Men Use 11 Very Specific Phrases To Manipulate The Women Who Love Them
Zamrznuti tonovi | Shutterstock It's easy to fall in love with a controlling man while having no idea that he is the type of guy who likes to manipulate women. Why? Because they don't start out showing their controlling side. If they do, it often feels flattering, like he loves her so much he can't stand to be without her.
Over time, though, these formerly charming traits turn manipulative, and sometimes even scary. Even for those who keep it low-key, this is incredibly hard on the women who love them and it cannot continue if they want a relationship that's healthy and can last.
controlling men use 11 very specific phrases to manipulate the women who love them
1. ‘You’re overreacting’
Paula VV | Shutterstock
Listening and trying to relate are important in an argument with anyone, especially with someone who loves you. This is why saying, "You're overreacting," is so harmful.
Humans are social creatures with a biological need to feel understood. When a controlling man says, "you're overreacting" to a woman who loves him, he's invalidating her emotions. Worse, he's likely trying to control her in order to avoid having to face her big feelings or his own responsibility.
According to a study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, people who feel understood are increasingly likely to feel rewarded and socially connected. On the opposite end, feeling misunderstood can make others feel disconnected, leading to feelings of loneliness. All of this combined can impact their well-being for the better or worse.
That said, flying off the handle and screaming won't make a controlling man suddenly change. Worse, it compromises what most women want for themselves, which is rationality and respectful conversation. Instead, a woman can say, "Please don't invalidate my feelings or reactions. Even if it seems irrational to you, it is meaningful to me and we need to address it."
If he won't address it when phrased like that, screaming and yelling certainly won't change his mind.
2. ‘No one else would put up with you’
Nicoleta Ionescu | Shutterstock
If a man says, "no one else would put up with you" during an argument (or pretty much any other time, if we're being for real), he's a jerk. Sorry.
He's not only being mean, he's making his partner think he's her only option. In other words, he's making her feel trapped and worthless. This one requires little to no debate.
So, if a controlling man ever says this phrase it's best to pack up their bags and leave. Otherwise, they might find themselves in a toxic relationship.
3. ‘I can't believe you don't trust me'
Mladen Mitrinovic | Shutterstock
Most people want to be trusted and needed by those around them. However, a common phrase used by controlling men is, "I can't believe you don't trust me!"
Sure, maybe he really is trustworthy and deserves to be trusted. Maybe he's never violated trust and the woman he loves is the one who is being controlling. But often, this phrase is said by men who don't deserve a woman's trust as a way to reverse blame and make her seem like the aggressor for questioning a shady behavior.
According to psychologist Jennice Vilhauer, Ph.D., betrayal feels like a moral violation that cuts people deep and causes emotional distress. As a result, it's not always easy to get through. People don't just bounce back from it.
4. ‘That never happened’
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
Controlling men manipulate others by flat-out denying something happened. Whether they truly believe it didn't happen or not, they leave zero room for the possibility that it's possibly true.
Looking his friend, partner, or loved one in the eye, he'll proudly say that it never happened with such conviction it'd make anyone question their reality. That's called gaslighting, when done on purpose to make the woman who loves him doubt her own mind, and it's an abusive behavior.
Acording to psychology professor Dr. Amanda L. Chase at Middle Georgia State University, people exposed to gaslighting tended to doubt their memories, thoughts, and behaviors. Dr. Chase insists this can cause significant psychological and emotional trauma.
5. ‘You’re too sensitive’
Gladskikh Tatiana | Shutterstock
Controlling men are gifted at denying someone's emotions in order to avoid responsibility. Worse, they make the women who love them feel ashamed for having those feelings in the first place. That's what makes "you're too sensitive" a manipulative phrase: it tricks someone into feeling like the guilty party when it was their partner who did the harm.
This can also be counted as a form of coercive control. According to a study in 2022, coercive control is negative behavior that involves intimidating, threatening, or humiliating.
So, what should people do when a controlling man tries to undermine their emotions? First, pause. Don't allow yourself to be sucked into this controlling man's trap. The more emotional you become, the more he will say, "See? You're crazy!"
Next, say, "I think my feelings are being invalidated right now." Using "I" statements makes the other person feel less defensive. If this man continues after you have tried different approaches, he's unlikely to change and you deserve better.
6. ‘Everyone else agrees with me’
fizkes | Shutterstock
Most people would prefer to keep their disagreements with their partners private. After all, involving others can only worsen the situation, as biases can arise.
However, a controlling man isn't like everyone else. He welcomes those biased opinions because they work out in his favor, and he likely only asks people who agree with him (or are too afraid to disagree). As a result, he thinks he's always right.
This statement is meant to make the other person feel guilty and embarrassed. Because of this, people are increasingly likely to submit their own needs to the wind to play fair and prevent the drama from escalating further.
While he may think this is a fantastic tactic, making someone feel ashamed or embarrassed leads to contempt and resentment. And, according to the researchers at the Gottman Insitute, contempt and resentment are two major leading causes of divorce and separation.
7. ‘Let’s forgive and forget’
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock
It's easy for people to move past things when the actions of others do not directly impact them. This is why a controlling man often says, "Let's forgive and forget."
He did nothing wrong in his eyes, and it's not that big of a deal. Yet, this type of dismissive behavior will only lead to disaster the longer he refuses to learn from his mistakes and recognize his role in upsetting a woman he claims to love.
So, while it may be healthy to forgive people who have wronged you, "forgetting" isn't guaranteed. In fact, moving on after someone hurts you is something they have to earn via accountability and proof of change.
If this manipulative man has narcissistic traits, this may never happen. According to the Journal of Management, narcissistic people are increasingly likely not to learn because they genuinely believe they didn't make a mistake.
This is why it's best not to argue with a man who can never admit he's wrong. After all, he'll never be able to unless he tries to do some serious self-reflection. That doesn't mean letting him "win" or becoming a doormat. It means setting boundaries and enforcing them rather than trying to convince him that he needs to take accountability.
8. ‘If you really loved me you would do this’
LightField Studios | Shutterstock
Some people have boundaries that can't be crossed. Some are physical while others are emotional and when you get deeply involved with a partner, these boundaries are crucial to express and to respect.
People who refuse to respect those boundaries don't care about their partner. Wanting to get what they want, they'll cross any lines, no matter how strongly the woman they love says not to. This is cruel, especially when he does it on purpose and manipulates her into thinking she should adapt to please him.
Knowing this, any controlling man who says to the people he supposedly loves, "If you really love me, you would do this" has got to go.
If you relate, try replying with a firm stance by saying something like, "No, you're not going to manipulate me into giving up my boundaries," is sometimes the quickest way to put controlling men in their place.
To cap it off, try adding, "I actually do love you a lot, enough to know that letting you violate my boundaries and manipulate me would end up hurting both of us, because I'll eventually leave you for it."
9. ‘This is how you treat me after everything I’ve done for you?’
Zamrznuti tonovi | Shutterstock
When people hear the phrase, "This is how you treat me after everything I've done for you," they likely feel ashamed of their behavior. But if the person saying this is a controlling man, hopefully that shame goes away. After all, this is just another attempt to manipulate.
In the past, these individuals didn't understand that doing the bare minimum of what was required didn't make them entitled to disrespect others. As a result, they likely severely damaged those relationships without fully understanding the reason why.
Sure, this controlling man might've done a lot for others. However, that doesn't entitle him to respect he hasn't truly earned. It's just another way to manipulate people who try to love him.
10. ‘Stop bringing up the past’
antoniodiaz | Shutterstock
The past can be hard to get through, primarily if someone ruminates or obsesses about it. Of course, there are people who bring up the past obsessively, as a way to keep their partner feeling bad and that has to stop. But most of the time, when controlling men say it, they're just trying to avoid responsibility.
Despite this, people can move on if they have a support system that encourages open communication. However, people can never have that support system if they still allow a controlling man into their lives. Controlling men simply don't want the women who love them to have enough resources to leave them, it's an isolation tactic.
Knowing this, women who have a man in their lives should think twice before allowing him to shut down their feelings. Once you give a man like this an inch, he'll take a mile (and do it so sneakily you might not even notice). Watching for early red flags like this is key to preventing big problems down the road.
11. ‘You’re lucky to have me in your life’
StratfordProductions | Shutterstock
One of the kindest compliments you can give someone is, "I'm so lucky to have you." It's genuine and shows appreciation when said with love.
The reverse, however, is not charming or complimentary, unless it's being used in an authentically joking, self-effacing way. When it's said by a controlling man, it's designed to manipulate and gaslight the woman who loves him.
Similar to "no one else would want you," it's pure degradation. It's designed to reduce a woman's self-esteem so she feels trapped and forced to stay with him.
To avoid this, people should call out their statements and use "I statements" such as, "I don't think that comment is kind; please stop." Experts say this framing can help people communicate about tough topics without reflexively putting people on the defense.
However, if that doesn't work, people should cut their losses and move on before it's far too late.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers topics such as self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology.
