People-Pleasers Have 8 Habits That Are Usually The Opposite Of Pleasing To Everyone Else
michaelheim / ShutterstockPeople-pleasing is really ironic in a way that’s often overlooked. People with this tendency think they’re doing everything they can to keep everyone else happy, but it doesn’t always work out that way.
By never fighting for what they want, people-pleasers actually make life harder by putting more pressure on others. They think these habits are kind when they’re really just super frustrating.
8 habits people-pleasers have that actually do the opposite of pleasing everyone
1. They don’t make decisions
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People-pleasers usually leave decisions up to everyone else. They think they’re doing them a favor by letting them choose themselves, but it’s actually putting unnecessary stress on them.
The more decisions someone makes, the more overwhelmed they feel until they face decision fatigue. Other people stepping in and making some of the choices, too, is helpful instead of controlling, even if it’s about something simple.
2. They won’t say what they want
Anyone who’s asked a people-pleaser where they want to go for dinner or what movie they want to watch has heard the dreaded “I’m fine with anything” response. To people-pleasers, it seems thoughtful to not ask for anything specific. But it just makes everyone else roll their eyes.
Aside from being annoying for others, this can also make it hard for people-pleasers to even know what it is they want since they’re so used to ignoring it. It wouldn’t take much for them to lose their friends and their identity.
3. They keep their opinions to themselves
Most people-pleasers fall into that pattern of behavior because they’re afraid of making others mad. We’ve all seen how differing opinions can lead to heated arguments, so they avoid that by never sharing their opinions or agreeing with everyone else automatically.
The problem is people really want to know what someone else’s perspective is in a lot of different situations. That means holding back isn’t helpful at all.
As psychologist Julie Radico, PsyD, ABPP, said, “Voicing your opinion doesn’t mean that you are inherently being difficult, causing trouble for others, or being selfish.” It’s really just part of the normal give-and-take of any relationship.
4. They never argue
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People-pleasers are some of the most conflict-avoidant people in the world. They never disagree, even though it means acting like their own feelings aren’t important.
Instead of being grateful for the lack of conflict, other people just feel confused. They don’t really know what to make of people-pleasers or what they care about since they never share it. Avoiding every single conflict means avoiding some that could actually bring people closer together. Conflict isn’t always toxic, but they never give themselves the chance to learn that.
5. They give help that no one asked for
Some people are natural problem-solvers who immediately do what they can to make things easier for everyone else. Sometimes that comes across as nice, but sometimes it just seems overbearing.
A good example of this is giving unsolicited advice. Even if the person giving the advice really does think they’re being helpful, it can rub the recipient the wrong way since they didn’t ask for it. Being proactive like this is part of being a people-pleaser because they assume it’s what people want. But it can feel like they’re getting in the way instead, which definitely isn’t their intention.
6. They say yes to things they don’t want to do
It’s pretty difficult for everyone to say no, whether they’re a people-pleaser or not. They think it will damage a relationship or maybe just don’t realize they don’t have the capacity to help, so they agree to be a part of it without giving it much thought.
This gets on people’s nerves because they have no way of knowing if someone really cares when it seems like they do everything out of obligation. And when it becomes too much for that person to handle and they have to back out of some commitments, it looks even worse. People-pleasers think that stretching themselves too thin is the best thing they can do for everyone else, but it actually just creates awkward tension that could have been avoided.
7. They give meaningless compliments
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Psychologist Adam Borland, PsyD, explained that people-pleasers will do pretty much anything “in order to gain others’ affection and approval.” It seems like one of the easiest ways to do that would be to boost everyone’s mood with compliments.
But when someone gives out compliments almost constantly, it’s hard to take them seriously. It becomes pretty clear that they’re just trying to get other people to like them, so you never know when they’re being genuine. Eventually, all the compliments mean absolutely nothing.
8. They change who they are to fit in with the group
Some people-pleasers are so intent on blending in that they hide who they really are and change their behavior to match the people they’re with. They think the key to being liked is fitting in, even if it means not being totally authentic.
That puts everyone else at a disadvantage because they don’t really know which version of them is the real one. While they’re fitting in with different groups, their one-on-one relationships are probably going to suffer because no one feels close to them. They can’t please anyone that way.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
