True People-Pleasers Do 10 Things That Seem Nice But Are Honestly Quite Rude
fornStudio | ShutterstockSome might automatically think that people-pleasers are overly accommodating, but they still have good hearts at the end of the day.
They're the type of person who is willing to go along with just about anything in order to make sure everyone is happy and taken care of. That can definitely sound like the qualities of a genuinely nice person, yet true people-pleasers do certain things that seem nice but are honestly quite rude and slightly off-putting.
While there may be social benefits to people-pleasing, it doesn't quite support someone's authentic self. As much as they're trying to cater to everyone, they're usually abandoning themselves in the process. Being agreeable all the time may be a safe option, but it isn't always the most respectful one.
True people-pleasers do 10 things that seem nice but are honestly quite rude
1. Avoiding honest feedback
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Many people-pleasers usually end up keeping their opinions to themselves because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings or cause tension. But they fail to realize that being able to provide honest feedback to those they know and care about is something that can actually help strengthen relationships.
There are certainly ways to deliver feedback that won't make someone feel bad, and allows them to learn and grow rather than think everything is fine. But people-pleasers tend to stray away from it instead of leaning into the importance of honesty. They will instead bite their tongue thinking it's what everyone wants.
2. Constantly apologizing for things that aren't their fault
Excessive apologizing is something people-pleasers think helps them come across as considerate of others' feelings. Apart from the fact that over-apologizing tends to be a trauma response from people who are scared of taking up too much space, it also makes everyone else feel uncomfortable.
It makes genuine apologies from them seem less sincere if they're constantly sorry about things they don't need to be. Now everyone else in the room feels like they need to tiptoe around their feelings and reassure them that nothing is wrong.
3. Agreeing with everyone in the room
People-pleasers can sometimes change their opinion depending on who they're talking to. It's because they want to make sure everyone is happy, and that means maintaining some sort of balance, even if they have to go against what they really think.
But to others, it can make them think the people-pleaser is presenting a fake version of themselves. They can't seem to have a healthy and productive discussion, because the minute they sense that it's causing even a little bit of tension, they retract their statements.
4. Offering help they secretly don't want to give
These individuals will often find themselves volunteering for tasks and saying they wouldn't mind doing someone else a favor when, in reality, they do mind. Similar to how they can't seem to say "no," that tends to land them in various situations where they have to offer their support when they don't have support to offer in the first place.
When that help does come from them, there's frustration and resentment attached to it. And that's not fair to the people who asked for help, because they weren't trying to force them. It only ends up leading to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict.
5. Refusing to express their needs
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Some people think that being a low-maintenance person means you're making everyone else's lives easier. But expecting others to guess what you need or want can feel unfair, and only lead to arguments and sometimes even relationships dissolving entirely.
Communication is the number one thing that can keep relationships thriving, whether it's romantic or platonic, or even professional. When people-pleasers downplay their feelings and claim everything is okay, it makes it harder for the people in their lives to actually be there for them.
6. Saying 'yes' when they really mean 'no'
People-pleasers tend to have a hard time actually saying "no" to things. They don't want to let people down, so they end up guilting themselves into agreeing to do something. But actually, they don't want to do it all. In their mind, it's better to show up than be a flake and have people upset with them.
But the problem with constantly saying "yes" to things when you really want to say "no" not only further disconnects from your sense of self, but also does a disservice to others. People-pleasers are showing up and probably acting standoffish and cold because they don't want to be there, and they tend to take that resentment out on others.
7. Keeping score of their sacrifices
People-pleasers may have no issue doing things for others, but at the same time, they're also keeping count of everything that they've had to give up. When those things are eventually brought up during an argument, others are left blindsided because they never knew there were strings attached.
Now, everyone is confused about the fact that there were expectations in place they didn't even know existed. People aren't mind-readers. If people-pleasers are constantly insisting that they're happy to help, others are going to believe them rather than questioning if they're being authentic.
8. Telling white lies to avoid awkward moments
A small lie to a people-pleaser seems like it would be much kinder than having a hard conversation with someone. But constantly evading difficult conversations only leads to further miscommunication, which will only end up starting more problems.
Most people would much rather deal with the awkward and temporary feelings that come up during such a conversation than to discover later they weren't being told the absolute truth. As much as people-pleasers think others want to hear frilly words, sometimes it's important to sit down and really talk.
9. Laughing off behaviors that genuinely bother them
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People-pleasers turn the most uncomfortable moments into something they can laugh about. While there's nothing wrong with having a playful and easygoing nature, these individuals tend to do this even when someone has actually hurt their feelings.
Instead of addressing the issue straight-up, they'll force out a laugh and make some lighthearted comment to try and take away from the fact that they're clearly upset. But by not speaking up, people naturally assume they're fine with it. What could have been corrected now becomes an even bigger thing.
10. Shielding people from natural consequences
Many people-pleasers have a strong urge to always want to jump in and rescue others whenever they see that they could potentially be in trouble. They'll do everything in their power to try and soften the blow, even if that person genuinely needs to experience a failure in order to grow.
As much as they care about people, they are also doing them a disservice by stepping in to fix problems they weren't asked to fix. But by taking on everyone else's baggage, they end up having too much on their own plate. It isn't long before they end up turning into the one that's always fixing the mess.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
