11 Sad Thoughts That Go Through Your Head When You're Settling For The Wrong Person
perechulia | Shutterstock Healthy relationships are often founded on the same elements: intimacy, trust, understanding, and empathy. When one or both partners take shortcuts, resentment grows, undermining what made the relationship so good in the first place.
Soon enough, your once-rewarding relationship feels like you're setting for less than you deserve. If things don't start to change, you'll likely begin thinking that you've settled for the wrong person.
People who fear they've settled for the wrong person often think these 11 thoughts:
1. 'I cannot imagine building a future with this person'
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One of the most common warnings a relationship is in trouble is your inability to envision a future together. Of course, you're not going to have a concrete idea of what that future looks like, but not being able to picture any kind of future may be a sign that you're settling for the wrong person.
Experiencing anxiety about life with your current partner might look like in the future can add pressure to the present moment, encouraging people to snap at each other or avoid talking about what's wrong. Soon enough one person may even look outside of the relationship for a connection.
It's important to get honest about your own needs at this stage. Don't wait to ask yourself if this is relationship that you want to endure life changes, grief, and loss with? Or is it better to let it go now?
2. 'I feel lonely even when my partner is right beside me'
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According to relationship expert and psychotherapist Esther Perel, there are a number of reasons you might feel lonely with a partner. A loss of physical intimacy or lack of connection and growth together are just a few of them.
When we're yearning for a kind of connection we're not receiving from a partner, even after expressing our needs and trying our best to show up and support them, things can feel dark. You feel like you're asking and asking, and getting nothing in return.
Feeling lonely in a relationship is one of the unfortunate signs you're settling for the wrong person. Yes, there will be ups and downs in even the best relationships, but your parther should be prioritizing supporting you and showing up, even when things are tough.
3. 'There's a reason my partner treats me so badly'
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One of the most common yet unfortunate signs you're settling for the wrong person is constantly making excuses for their bad behavior. You may be experiencing gaslighting or you may be a victim of your own toxic positivity and good nature, but it's never a good sign when you excuse behavior you actually don't like or respect.
Like clinical psychologist Leon F. Seltzer argues, there's a fine line between explaining and justifying behaviors in a relationship. Explaining is helping to clarify misunderstandings, ensuring you're on the same page with a partner in a conversation.
However, justifications don't spark clarity, they're intended to dismiss behavior that doesn't actually fit our values.
If you feel constantly dismissed and invalidated for bringing up concerns or expressing your needs, with little to no growth toward better communication, chances are you're settling for the wrong person.
4. 'This person feels more like a sibling or friend than a romantic partner'
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While it can be natural for relationships to go through "roommate phases", maintaining a long-term loving relationship requires partners to equally work on keeping that romantic connection alive.
This consistent roommate vibe is one of the unfortunate signs you're settling for the wrong person, especially if they're not willing to change their behaviors. If you have a conversation about your needs and you keep getting dismissed, you should probably listen to this thought and your gut here.
5. 'If I go hang out with my friends, my partner will get mad at me'
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When you first fall in love, it's natural to develop a sort of tunnel vision for your partner. You don't want to play mahjong on Wednesdays with your cousins like you usually would because you're too busy gazing in your partner's eyes. But if, after a few months, your partner still expects you to skip your plans, you've likely got a problem.
The right relationship won't just cultivate space for each partner to have alone time and do the things they enjoy, it will empower people to prioritize it. This allows both partners to come back to each other feeling more fulfilled and refreshed.
So if you're feeling like your partner is going to get mad if you go live your life, listen to that voice inside. They may be feeling insecure and in need of reassurance or ideas to go find fun stuff for themselves. Or it may be the beginning of a controlling relationship that isn't healthy for you.
6. 'I'm honestly just bored in this relationship'
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Sometimes a healthy relationship feels boring when you have a history of chaotic or unhealthy dynamics in your childhood or past affairs. That's why you have to be careful with this thought when it comes through your head. Are you really bored or are you just used to chaos and dysfunction.
Being in a healthy relationship should feel like a "safe space" where you're not only comfortable with intimacy and seeking support, but also intellectually stimulated. If those things exist and you're still bored, it might be about you.
If you're not getting enough of the emotional or intellectual excitement, you might have settled for the wrong person. Great relationships challenge us to grow, either personally or together as a couple. Without that, it could be a sign you're settling for the wrong person.
7. 'What if my friends and family are right that this person is bad for me?'
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When all your closest loved ones are worried about your relationship, it's usually time to worry.
If you're not close with your friends and family or they have a misguided understanding of your needs, this obviously they shouldn't be the deciding factor in your intimate relationships. But if your trusted inner circle is expressing discomfort or concern with your partner, it could be one of the unfortunate signs you're settling for the wrong person.
If you have these conversations and still feel unsettled and uncomfortable about the red flags your close friends and family are bringing up (the people who should know you best) it might be time to get realistic about what you need and want from a partner because you very well may have settled with this one.
8. 'I'm the only one putting in real work on this relationship'
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If you're taking on too much emotional labor in a relationship, like resolving all the conflicts, making plans or solving problems, chances are you've become resentful of your partner. Even if they're not aware of it, taking on too much responsibility or weight in a relationship can become too much for one person to handle. This goes double if the other isn't empathetic or knowledgeable about the work you're doing.
If the relationship feels one-sided and your partner isn't willing to make any changes or help to relieve you of certain obligations, you have to get honest with yourself: have I settled for the wrong person?
9. 'I feel like I can't really trust my partner's values'
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According to psychotherapist Tonya Lester, value misalignment can sabotage the foundation of a healthy relationship, especially if you don't have the communication or conflict-resolution skills to have conversations about differing values and needs. Without compromise, misaligned values spark resentment that can spark disconnection internally and with a partner.
"Ending a meaningful relationship is painful, but not as painful as giving up an essential part of yourself to hang on to a relationship that puts you in a box," Lester writes, "unable to live according to the values you care about most."
It's possible your partner is experiencing a hard time and has strayed from their values. This can happen with substance use issues or mental health struggles. In those cases, you can hopefully get help (seperately and together) to re-align your lives with your values.
If not, it might be time to accept that you've settled for the wrong person.
10. 'Arguing with my partner is pretty much never worth it'
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While it might seem counterintuitive to a healthy partnership, the best partners do have regular conflicts and arguments. That's because two healthy, strong individuals will never fully align on all issues and disagreement can actually help them grow together.
What makes them successful isn't avoiding conflict but the way they manage and resolve them that contributes to their bond. People who avoid conflicts in their relationships or make excuses for disrespect to avoid taking accountability don't foster the kind of trust that's necessary for a healthy partnership.
If you find yourself avoiding vulnerability or have a partner who refuses to healthily argue, you might be settling for the wrong person. Not only will you forgo opportunities to grow together, your needs will go consistently unmet in a way that breeds resentment.
11. 'Is this how my relationship is going to feel forever?'
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Partners who don't grow together tend to live in a stagnant space, where unmet needs linger and resentment grows. If you're never getting out of your comfort zone and always wishing your partner would change, that could be one of the unfortunate signs you're settling for the wrong person.
Psychologist Mark Travers argues that successful relationships are constantly evolving, with the shared understanding that you'll continue to choose each other through turmoil, rough patches, and every life change.
"Successful relationships don't last because two people stay the same," he revealed. "They last because two people continuously choose each other, through every phase[...] If you don't actively meet and embrace each other's growth, your relationship risks becoming outdated — stuck in an old chapter while life continues to rewrite the story."
This goes double if the relationship has been persistently miserable for a long time and shows no sign of ever changing. When you start asking yourself, "Is this my life forever?" it's time to take a step back and get honest with yourself.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
