Controlling Women Use 11 Very Specific Phrases To Manipulate The Men Who Love Them
KaterynaUKR | ShutterstockNot all controlling women are harsh and intimidating, shouting and acting like an obvious jerk. Some are charming and kind on the surface, but behind closed doors they do anything they can to manipulate the men who love them.
These women use phrases that, on their own, might not set off any alarm bells, but when used in a pattern and will ill intent become cruel and controlling. Before he knows it, the man who just wants to love her feels frustrated and hopeless.
Controlling women use 11 very specific phrases to manipulate the men who love them
1. 'You're too sensitive'
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Controlling women find ways to manipulate the men who love them, starting with their emotions. They play on a man's insecurities, finding their sensitive spots and using them to get what they want.
In this case, she's playing on the fact that men are taught not to show more vulnerable feelings, like sadness or hurt. By saying he's too sensitive, she's not only invalidating his feelings, she's playing on the shame men often feel for having softer feelings.
According to experts, the long-reaching effects of this shaming keep men from seeking support for mental health issues. That's why calling a man "too sensitive" in order to control him is so much worse than just manipulativem it's invalidation by someone who is supposed to be a safe place for their feelings.
Psychologist Mark Travers Ph.D. explains that using emotional invalidation can trigger a person's fight-or-flight response. That's why people should do their best to ground themselves so they don't allow their emotions to become out of control.
2. 'If you really loved me, you would'
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Boundaries are a key foundation for a healthy relationship, but controlling women will manipulate the men who love them into compromising theirs. They simply won't allow these men to have ideas of their own, unless they agree.
In order to get their partner to go along with them, they put the ultimate emotion on the line: love. They want him to prove he loves her by going along with her manipulation. At that moment, he has to choose to go along with what she wants or face endless accusations that he doesn't love her.
It's OK to ask someone to compromise when they set boundaries, of course. But when a loving, respectful partner asks for this, they do so without manipulation, respectfully and clearly. Not by saying things designed to trick him into giving up on his boundaries.
3. 'This is how you treat me after everything I've done for you?'
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Hearing a controlling woman say this phrase may be triggering for people who grew up in homes with narcissistic parents who used manipulation tactics. But it's not just a means of control, it's emotional blackmail.
As professor and psychology expert Kevin Bennett PhD explains, manipulative people will use guilt as a weapon to force others into doing what they want. "Statements like ‘After all I've done for you...' or, ‘If you loved me, you would…' are classic emotional blackmail lines." The goal of these phrases is to control and shift blame onto others to distort their reality and keep them in their "web of obligation."
When a controlling woman says a phrase like this, she's using guilt and shame to force others to do things they don't want to do. And it's an incredibly toxic and manipulative thing to do to people she supposedly loves and cares about.
4. 'You always do this'
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When a woman says something like, "You always do this," she is casting the man who loves her as a bad guy. He's not someone who makes a mistake, he always does this, it's part of who he is, according to her.
While many people say these extreme things when they're angry, therapists generally advise against them, as they aren't accurate and make it seem like the problem is with the man, not the choice he made. When manipulative women say this phrase to the men who love them, it's to control them by making them feel less-than.
This level of manipulation often comes from a place of contempt, which, researchers at The Gottman Institute insist is the #1 the biggest predictors of divorce.
This is because contempt often involves an attack on someone's character and, as a result, it often leads to more conflict as destructive behaviors and patterns become the norm. If a woman doesn't want to be controlling, she will do her best to stop using absolutes when they aren't accurate, instead saying something like, "It feels to me like this is happening a lot, and we need to figure out why and how to stop it" instead.
5. 'Well, everyone else agrees with me'
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Though this phrase might seem out of place on a list of phrases, a controlling woman may say it to shame and manipulate the man who loves her. The reason it works to control people is because humans are social animals.
According to professor of psychology Geoffrey Cohen, PhD, belonging to a group motivates people throughout their day-to-day life. This sense of belonging can also break people, as being cast out from a social group meant a threat to your survival, from an anthropological perspective.
Controlling women will purposely make others feel excluded to play on those fears and force them into submission. She probably also is the one with the ear to all their friends, making the threat doubly real.
6. 'It's just a joke'
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One of the biggest red flags of a manipulative person is their willingness to be unkind, knowing they can say "I was just kidding!" in order to avoid accountability for their actions.
According to a study from Frontiers in Psychology, disparagement humor is a kind of humor that belittles an individual or group of people. Researchers found that though this type of humor is sometimes perceived to be funny, it's also perceived to be offensive. The offense doesn't just go away because people may laugh.
When a controlling woman makes unkind jokes or passes unkind, manipulative behavior off as just a little fun, the best thing you can do is stand up to them.
First, reassure them that it's a safe place to discuss their emotions with others while also validating their feelings. For example, say, "Hey, I'm here to listen and I completely understand where you're coming from."
Then say, "But if you have something to say to me, it's important that we talk directly because saying something like that as a joke confuses me and makes me feel like I can't address it or resolve it."
If this manipulative woman doesn't make an effort to stop, she's probably not ever going to.
7. 'I'm fine'
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When someone says they are "fine," even though their outward appearance makes it obvious they aren't, they may be blocking out their feelings, using wishful thinking and hoping it will be so. But for a controlling woman, it may be a way to get what she wants.
For example, a couple is driving in a car and the woman is upset because the man didn't stop for coffee. Instead of saying, "I'm really upset we didn't stop for coffee," she may say, "I'm fine," but sigh loudly or go quiet.
When her partner pesters her about how she's feeling, she will continue to say, "fine" but he'll know she's not fine. While it doesn't seem like there's a payoff for her in this situation, it sets him on edge, letting him know that he needs to constantly be aware of her moods so he can pacify her.
This his how she manipulates him into being subservient. It's subtle, but alarming.
8. 'Do whatever you want'
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When a controlling woman says "Do whatever you want," she clearly doesn't mean it. Rather than stating what she does want in an honest and upfront manner, she's being passive-aggressive and manipulative to get her way.
For whatever reason, a person who craves control may rely on these types of passive-aggressive tactics to get what they want or feel a sense of security. Like "I'm fine" earlier in this list, when said dishonestly, it's designed to unsettle and create an unpredictable environment for those around them.
According to research published in Trends in Cognitive Sciences, the need for control is a biological urge, one we all face. It can be healthy and it can be dysfunctional, depending on one's relationship with this urge. But just because it's a biological urge doesn't mean a controlling woman should act on it. Grown, healthy adults know that they don't need to give in to every urge.
9. 'I just can't help it'
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Anyone, regardless of gender, openly expresses cruel or manipulative behavior by saying something like, "I just can't help it," is throwing up red flags, and people should listen to them. Controlling women will act like they are victims of their own moods or impulses in order to continue getting away with these things until someone stops them.
The phrase may seem innocent at first, especially when it's uttered during a small disagreement or a playful spat. Yet the issue with this phrase often stems from the fact that women, and people, in general, should be able to control their actions, despite what others say. That's just basic adult behavior.
10. 'You have to trust me'
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Trust is something that is earned through dedication and hard work. It's earned by people who stay true to their word and few things undermine it more than demanding someone trust you when you aren't behaving in a trustworthy way.
But controlling women don't want to have to earn it. Instead, they will demand it and make the man who loves her feel guilty and ashamed for not giving her that trust.
Hopefully, when this is pointed out to her, she will do her best to make changes. But, according to psychologist Ramone Ford, Ph.D., writing for Cleveland Clinic, this requires that you set the bar higher for how she will treat you.
"When you’re hurt or taken for granted, you have to have patience, but you also have to voice your needs that you have certain expectations moving forward in the relationship,” explains Dr. Ford.
11. 'I'm just trying to help you'
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Whether it's a friend, family member or romantic partner, the need to protect can be so far ingrained in some women that it causes them to go to extremes. They may justify controlling others through the guise of helping them.
This doesn't mean what they do, even if they do have good intentions, is actually helpful or protective in any way. It can even lead to co-dependent relationships.
According to a study published in Biochemistry Research International, dependent relationships often lead to an increase in aggressive behavior. Although they may want the best (or just be telling themselves they do), these dependent relationships can quickly lead to abusive situations.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
