Women Who Feel Deeply Responsible For Their Parents' Well-Being Do 11 Things On A Regular Basis
fizkes | ShutterstockMany adult children experience parentification, a role reversal within a family dynamic where they feel pressured to care for or support their parents' behavior. For young women who are pushed further into caretaking both by family structures and society at large, plenty of grown women end up feeling responsible for their parents' well-being.
Even if women like this don't live at home or in the same city as their parents, they may still harbor guilt. But feeling a constant burden can take a toll on them mentally and emotionally, especially as they're trying to create their own lives and manage their responsibilities.
Things grown women do when they feel responsible for their parents' well-being
1. Texting and calling often
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Many women struggle with eldest daughter syndrome (EDS), characterized by feelings of anxiety and responsibility. It encourages them to overstep their boundaries and suppress their emotions to look out for their siblings and parents.
It's possible that she's felt this kind of burden her whole life, mediating conflicts between her parents growing up and people-pleasing to keep the peace at home. In adulthood, when she moves, she may stay overly connected by texting and calling often, trying to show support from afar.
While many seek out independence, there can be inescapable feelings of guilt for women with EDS, encouraging them to sabotage their autonomy for the sake of their family at home.
2. Mediating their parents' arguments
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According to clinical psychologist Dr. Tali Shenfield, many children take on the role of mediators when their parents fight growing up. But when they can't solve their problems or diffuse arguments, they start to believe that it's their fault.
In adulthood, grown women can take this dual responsibility and guilt with them, finding it difficult to let their parents resolve conflicts on their own. When they feel an obligation to protect the peace or happiness of a specific parent, leaving and not making an effort to mediate can feel like abandonment.
3. Pushing them to go to therapy
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Gen Zers are experiencing more mental concerns like anxiety and depression compared to older generations, but they're also more comfortable seeking resources and support like therapy.
This awareness and comfortability discussing mental health support can seep into their personal lives and family dynamics. In some cases, it certainly sparks tension, but it can also be a way to pressure older generations into seeking help.
Pushing therapy on their parents and encouraging them to acknowledge their mental health is something women do when they feel responsible for the well-being of their parents. She may attempt to distance herself from the role of a mediator or share the benefits of therapy she's already experienced.
4. Viewing themselves as a third caretaker for siblings
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Many eldest daughters are assigned the role of caretaker for their younger siblings growing up. While there are certainly family dynamics where this encourages everyone to live a healthier life, it can come at a common disadvantage to grown women.
It only sabotages their emotional regulation skills into adulthood, creating tension and resentment in their parent-child relationship. It can be equally anxiety-inducing for these women simply hoping to protect the peace. Despite its consequences, taking on the responsibility and adopting the identity of caretaker to her younger siblings is damaging.
5. Sending them money
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A study from AARP suggests that many adult children today are financially supporting their parents, despite struggling with basic necessities and rising costs themselves. This tendency to send money home or help their parents with purchases is something a grown woman will do when she's feeling guilty about her parents' health.
Financial assistance can be a contentious and controversial behavior in family dynamics. It can make family members resentful or disconnected, whether they're pressured into it or are sending money of their own volition.
6. Making excuses for their misbehavior
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Many adult women can't help but make excuses for their parents' ignorance or misbehavior, especially if they grew up in a dynamic where their parents expected loyalty. By making excuses and even victimizing their parents to people-please, they find ways to prioritize their parents' happiness.
Not everything is inherently toxic or rooted in childhood trauma. An empathetic adult daughter might make excuses to give her parents the benefit of the doubt or support them through hardship, fostering a healthy dynamic where they're mutually benefitted.
7. Struggling to set boundaries
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Psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen doesn't just suggest that boundaries are beneficial to family dynamics, she argues that they're required and essential. To protect against resentment and improve healthy communication, you have to have stable and communicated boundaries.
A daughter's tendency to disregard these boundaries is largely a learned people-pleasing behavior from growing up. She puts her own needs aside for the sake of her parents. Unfortunately, this lack of self-advocacy and communication only deteriorates the family dynamic over time.
8. Being a chronic people-pleaser
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If a woman grew up with emotionally manipulative or narcissistic parents, people-pleasing may be her way of taking care of her parents' happiness. If her parents weaponized her emotions growing up, she may continue to people-please into adulthood out of sheer familiarity.
This behavior and the low self-esteem that this upbringing tends to create doesn't just affect family dynamics into adulthood, it also sabotages her ability to form healthy relationships. They seek out toxic people who mirror their parents, no matter how unhealthy their behaviors may be.
9. Quietly neglecting their own needs
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Adult children tend to value and seek out independence early in life. But many women grapple with this disconnect, feeling responsible for their parents' discomfort or guilty for leaving them to navigate life without their help.
A woman like this views independence and emotional expression as a burden to the well-being of her family. This encourages her to avoid and suppress her needs to show up for them.
But like in any relationship, suppressing emotions and refusing to strike a positive balance of support is detrimental. Not only will she be forced to live in a constant state of anxiety over her parents' well-being, but she will consistently set her own needs aside for their benefit.
10. Being the 'go-to person' despite having their own life
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Many women take on the inherent role of a caretaker in their family dynamics, even once they've left home. They're expected to bear the responsibility of taking care of their siblings and aging parents, at the expense of their own time and well-being.
In certain circumstances, it's possible to overcome these gendered stereotypes and create a positive balance, but when a woman feels responsible for her parents' overall happiness, she may be unable to advocate for that need.
Rather than stir up an argument or make more emotional labor for herself, many women prefer to make themselves available all the time. They're the "go-to person" for their parents, whether it's comforting their mother after an argument or picking up their siblings from school.
11. Feeling guilty for expressing their own needs
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According to licensed psychologist Jonice Webb, feeling guilty for expressing your feelings or needs in a relationship can also be a sign of emotional neglect. If you've always been the person reassuring your parents or caring for your siblings, you may operate under a misguided truth that you don't have time or space to acknowledge your own needs.
But it's impossible to burden yourself with responsibility over other people's happiness. People make their own choices, so don't let another person's bad mood or immaturity affect your own well-being.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
