If Your Fully Grown Child Does 10 Frustrating Things, They're Probably Doing Pretty Well, Actually
GaudiLab | ShutterstockAs kids grow up, their relationship with their parents changes. In their younger years, they need constant guidance, but entering adulthood means figuring life out on their own terms.
This shift can cause conflict, as parents often misunderstand signs of independence as signs of rebellion or even rejection. Fortunately, if parents and their adult kids approach each other with empathy and work to understand the other's views, they’ll wind up being closer than ever, even if they disagree.
If your fully grown child does 10 frustrating things, they're probably doing pretty well:
1. Disagreeing with you more than ever
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It might be annoying when adult children push back in conversations, but it actually means they're becoming confident in their own beliefs and are comfortable enough in your relationship to say so.
According to anxiety therapist Jeannie Elbing, when teens and young adults test the waters by talking about complicated topics, it “indicates they are asserting their independence, developing critical thinking and communication skills, and feeling secure enough in their relationship with their parents to express their opinions.”
Adult children won’t always automatically accept their parents’ perspective or opinions. While this can be frustrating, it’s an indication that they’re thinking for themselves and deciding how they want to live. And this is a great sign.
2. Skipping family traditions
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Traditions give families a way to stay connected in a chaotic world. Sunday night dinners can be a time of calm before the beginning of the week. Sharing pancake dinners every Christmas Eve can be a spark of joy and excitement.
Passing rituals on through generations is a way to keep family histories alive, but as kids reach their older teens and 20s, they may start questioning them. They may even choose to miss some of them in order to spend holidays with a partner or even their friends.
While it can be painful to watch their adult children forgo family traditions, parents can take solace in knowing they raised their kids up right, which helped them feel comfortable and secure in who they are. Letting go is never easy, but forging new traditions is important, too.
3. Standing up for themselves, even against you
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It can be hard for parents to come to terms with the fact that their adult children have independent lives and a separate existence from their own. Parents won’t always like their behavior, but when adult children stand up for themselves, it's actually a good sign that they're doing well.
Learning to advocate for yourself is never easy. When parents create a family system where kids feel safe enough to speak up for themselves, they give their kids a gift that will last a lifetime. Negotiating expectations is part of setting boundaries, which are a key part of having a healthy, stable adulthood.
Is it annoying when they end up using their newfound powers of self-advocacy against you, when you're being totally reasonable? Yes. But it's a good sign that they're strong and principled.
4. Ignoring your advice
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Parents want to be valued by their adult children, which is why they feel hurt when their advice goes unheeded. It's also frustrating because parents really do have more experience and insight, and they wish they could protect their kids from making mistakes.
There’s inherent value in listening to elders’ life experiences and absorbing their wisdom, but it’s also important for adult children to carve their own way in the world. They do need to make their mistakes, as much as it chagrins their parents.
It’s highly unlikely that adult children will walk the same path their parents did, and rejecting their advice is often a way to declare their own identity and independence. It might seem counterintuitive, but parents should feel proud when their kids discard their guidance, because it shows that they’re willing to take healthy risks.
5. Moving far away from home
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It’s never easy for parents to watch their kids spread their wings and leave the nest, no matter how prepared they think they are for that moment to arrive. Watching their adult children move away can be an emotionally fraught experience, but it shows how confident and strong they've become.
It might be a parent’s dream to keep their kids close by, but moving away reveals how confident their adult children feel in new environments.
Challenging ourselves is the only way for us to grow. Moving away and into the unknown is a big step. It might stretch the connection between parents and their adult children, but it can also strengthen the bond they have.
6. Saying ‘no’ to family obligations
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Adult children who turn down family obligations might appear selfish from the outside, but in many cases, they’re prioritizing their own mental health and practicing self-care.
For parents, this often feels like disrepect or even like your kids don't love you. You get used to being able to tell them what time dinner is on any given day and they had to show up. Slowly, this 100% obedience thing starts to fade, and kids learn that they get to say "no".
While they may take it too far sometimes, if you can reframe this change as at least partly positive, then you can approach them as a fellow adult and talk through which family obligations are most important. Then you can hopefully find a way to meet everyone's needs to the best of your abilities.
7. Choosing an unconventional life path
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When adult children’s lives look drastically different from what their parents hoped for them, parents often need to stop and recalibrate before reacting. Their adult children’s wholehearted embrace of van life, for example, might not be a parents’ dream, but making unconventional choices is a sign that they’re being true to themselves.
This can be more challenging when parents see these different choices as a reflection of their values. For example, if their adult child is gay. If you're a religious parent, this may feel like a tragedy, but given some space and time, it may become clear that your child has forged a path you can learn from and expand your understanding.
Choosing to live a life that's authentic to them shows that they’re confident enough to try something new, and that they won’t bend to societal expectations of what it means to be successful. Kids spend a significant portion of their childhood without agency, and exercising control over their own fate shows how great they’re actually doing.
8. Following their passions
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For as much as parents want their kids to be happy, they also want them to find stability and security. Following your passions is a cute thing when your little 6 year-old wants to be a ballerina or an NFL star, but it changes when they grow up and keep pursuing a dream that feels irrational to their parents.
Parents won’t always approve of their adult kids’ plan to pursue their passions instead of what they consider stable and traditional, but that annoying behavior is a sign they’re designing their own road map and staying true to their authentic identities. Unless they're in danger, this is a great thing to do when you're young and not as tied down with kids or a mortgage.
9. Job hopping
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Parents often worry that their kids aren’t committed to their careers in the same way that they were as young adults without realizing that the jobs market is dramatically different when baby boomers and Gen Xers were young adults.
That frustrating behavior actually shows that they’re doing great navigating a rapidly-shifting job market. Job hopping might seem risky and ill-advised, but as data analyst and social activist Hannah Williams explained, switching jobs often can be a tool to push your career forward, as long as you can explain it in a smart way.
“This is something that definitely comes up with recruiters and at hiring manager interviews,” she said. “You always want to have an answer prepared for this, and the answer can change depending on what job hop you’re doing or which company you’re applying to.”
“Bottom line, if you’re job hopping, it’s because you’re looking for a better fit, and that’s the truth,” she concluded.
Parents might not approve of their adult children’s job hopping habits, but they should recognize it as their willingness and ability to pivot and make their dreams a reality.
10. Spending money on experiences
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Most parents want their kids to settle down, which in their minds, often means owning a home and starting a family of their own. This is why they don’t understand why their adult children insist on putting money towards experiences instead of a mortgage, but that annoying behavior actually means they’re doing great.
Backpacking up the West Coast instead of investing in a 401K seems like an ill-informed life choice to a lot of parents, but it shows their adult children want to make the most out of the life they’re living right now. Putting money away for a rainy day is always a good idea, but the truth is, you can’t take it with you on your way to the great beyond.
Parents might not understand why their adult child quit their job to follow their favorite band across the country, but they don’t actually have to understand it. Stepping back and letting their adult children make their own lives is the best form of support parents can give.
Even more importantly, baby boomers and Gen X parents need to understand that the housing market is vastly different today than it was when they were young adults. The idea of putting money away to afford a down payment on a home is so far from realistic, young adults don't see a lot of value to it anymore.
It's entirely possible that, if parents understood why their adult kids' priorities have shifted, they might be more supportive. That will likely also help draw their kids closer.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
