Kids Who Only Heard From A Parent When They Did Something Wrong Usually Carry 7 Habits Into Adulthood
Luna Vandoorne / ShutterstockIf a child's parents only ever really speak to them when they’ve made a mistake or done something wrong that needs to be dealt with, their kids are likely to feel a good deal of anxiety around communication, not only with their parents, but with others.
These kids constantly worry that their mistakes will make front-page news at home or that they'll be harshly criticized for even the smallest slip-ups, instead of having a safe space to seek support or affection from their parents without fear. As adults, the coping mechanisms they relied on often solidify themselves as hard-to-break habits they may not even be conscious of, hindering their ability to connect more deeply with just about anyone.
7 habits people have when they only heard from their parents when they did something wrong as kids:
1. They tend to avoid vulnerability
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When kids learn that communication with their parents is scary and anxiety-inducing because it only really happens when they’re in the hot seat being criticized, they start naturally avoiding it. They start finding vulnerability difficult in general, because they’re used to being demonized and punished for expressing themselves or asking for help without a filter.
The idea of communication becomes associated with stress, judgment, stress, and criticism for these adult children, even now, when they’re no longer living in their parents’ homes.
2. They are known to try to hide mistakes
Kids who were only offered attention when they messed something up learn to seriously fear conversations with their parents. Their self-worth becomes wound up in their achievements and efforts to be perfect, so they learn to suppress struggles and hide their mistakes to avoid being judged or criticized by their parents.
Unfortunately, as adults, that often keeps them from developing a growth mindset. To them, mistakes are failures, rather than opportunities to learn. They struggle to grow from missteps because they’re too busy avoiding discomfort to actually use it to their advantage.
3. They try to avoid their negative emotions
Without a safe space to express themselves and seek support from parents, many kids in these disconnected households learned to suppress their feelings. Especially when needing something to be fixed was the only time they got attention, it’s no wonder they have quite a complicated relationship with their own emotional needs.
They learned that simply being who they were wasn’t enough to get attention and praise, and now they may feel the need to fix away all their negative emotions to feel loved or respected.
4. They have unsustainable expectations for themselves
If someone’s parents were distant and distracted most of the time, not offering healthy communication and presence during the mundane moments of the day, chasing attention through achievement might stick well into adulthood. They had to work for attention and felt like their self-worth was tied to never messing up or making a mistake.
That’s why perfectionism is often a survival mechanism that lingers in adulthood. They continue to burn themselves out by holding themselves to unrealistic expectations, not realizing that they’re really chasing the praise and validation from others, instead of crafting it for themselves.
5. They rely way too often on excuses
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When making mistakes feels like a personal failure, and you expect everyone else to judge you for making them, relying on excuses becomes the norm. These people try to justify their behaviors and hide their mistakes over and over again, because they grew up with parents who made them feel worse for needing support.
They’re always in defensive mode, trying to protect themselves from the kinds of conversations they perceive as scary. They don’t want to be punished for being imperfect, even if everyone around them is willing to help, unlike their parents.
6. They feel like they have to perform for approval
When hiding mistakes and evidence of being human is the norm, these adult children may feel like they have to perform to be liked. Their attention at home growing up was always tied to achievement and mistakes, leaving little room to feel secure in who they were without any kind of performance.
They hide their misfortunes and real emotions, performatively broadcasting their achievements and success. This means they often miss out on healthy relationships with people who see them for who they really are and love and appreciate them for it.
7. They usually struggle to trust people
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Being mistreated by parents who are emotionally distant and tend to use harsh discipline often predicts a struggle with trust in personal relationships later in life. They’re so used to being ignored, or worse, punished for expressing emotions and fears, that now they can’t believe that someone earnestly cares about them without skepticism.
When your parents were transactional and critical, you assume that everyone else will be.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
