Adult Mean Girls Usually Say 9 Phrases Even In Casual Conversations

My mom always told me that mean girls grow up to be mean women, and in my experience, she was right. The tricky part is that they can be harder to catch as adults.

Adult bullying looks different than it does in the schoolyard. Instead of taunting someone, they usually hide their insults in passive-aggressive comments and subtle jabs. If you pay attention, you can spot an adult mean girl by noticing what they repeatedly say when they're chit-chatting and let their guard down.

Adult mean girls give themselves away when they use these phrases in casual conversation:

1. 'I’m just so busy'

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Adult mean girls don't have time for you, or at least they don't want you to think they have time for you. They are perpetually busy with more important people doing more important things.

Though adults are more secretive about their bullying, this is even more true with women. Studies show that, in childhood, girls who are bullies are already more subtle than boys. Because of that, fully grown female bullies get really good at diversion. If she keeps blowing you off because she's too busy, she's subtly letting you know she doesn't value you or your time.

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2. 'You’re so brave for wearing that'

One of the easiest ways mean girls hide their cruelty is through backhanded compliments. That's just hiding an insult around words that sound like a compliment on the surface.

It sounds nice on the surface, but most people can see right through it. She's implying that your taste is bad and she is boosting her own ego by putting you down.

Insults like these are designed to make someone second-guess themselves. When people feel insecure, they lose their confidence, which is exactly what the mean girl wants. Putting people down can give the mean girl a temporary sense of superiority. 

3. 'We know that’s not your strong suit'

While someone may seem confident, that's not always the case. They could be making themselves look that way to hide the fact that they're really insecure. That's usually what happens with mean girls.

These women often put down other people to make themselves feel better. If another friend is asking for directions or help with a project, a mean girl might tell them not to pick you for it. Their reasoning might be that "We know that's not your strong suit". 

They'll often say this about something you've already said is an insecurity of yours. She'll use your vulnerabilities against you to avoid blame. If it's something you've acknowledged, she can pretend she wasn't trying to be mean but was just repeating what you said.

4. 'Aren’t you mad?'

Maybe it wasn't a mean girl who was rude to you. Maybe it was another friend. A mean girl might still try to get involved by stirring the pot. She's trying to be your emotional support, but she's still doing it in a toxic way. 

She's trying to bond with you by turning whoever hurt you into their enemy. A common enemy helps people bond faster than shared interests. Still, that kind of support can cause more issues in your life. It pushes some people to get into arguments they'd normally avoid. They can make a small misunderstanding turn into a genuine issue.

5. 'She might be annoying, but she’s my friend'

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The stereotype of the popular mean girl isn’t just a character trope. In my experience, it’s usually true. Most of the mean girls I’ve encountered are pretty well-known.

When they’re with someone who other people think is weird, they might worry more about their social status than their friend. To justify that relationship, they'll put the friend down, calling them annoying, but immediately justify it by defending them. It's confusing and controlling because it keeps the friendship intact but also creates a hierarchy where the mean girl is the better person. By acknowledging they know their friend isn’t liked, they make themselves seem nicer by continuing to be friends with them.

If they genuinely didn’t care about other people's opinions, they wouldn’t call them annoying. It's less of a compliment and more of a subtle reminder that they think they're above the person they're supposed to be defending.

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6. 'You can’t hang out with them'

Some mean girls will try to drag you down with them. They'll be rude to other people and will probably get into fights because of it. They need control, and that includes who has access to their friend's time.

That's not fair, though, and it's not very nice either. Good friends shouldn't ask you to choose. If this happens, it can put you in a tough situation and cause you a lot of unnecessary stress. By making you choose, they're just inviting more drama into your life. It could cause you and the other person to get into a fight too, even if you don't agree with the mean girl's opinion.

7. 'They’re just jealous'

Because of how they act, mean girls make a lot of people skeptical about being around them. While those people could have a perfectly good explanation of why they don't want to be friends with her, a mean girl might not be able to accept it. Instead, they might put the other person down by calling her jealous.

Whether they reason that someone's jealous of their looks or their popularity, their explanation is meant to make themselves look better. Some people are cautious of someone who's constantly losing friends. A mean girl who is trying to be friends with you will probably try to cover that up.

To most people, it seems selfish to not be friends with someone because they're jealous. A friend who believes a mean girl's excuse will probably feel bad for her instead of realizing she's the issue.

8. 'You look so skinny today'

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Telling someone they look good can make their day. It might seem like mean girls would never do this, but some of them do. It’s a sneaky way to keep you invested in the friendship.

But this isn't even a compliment. It's not even a backhanded compliment. Mentioning someone's weight doesn’t reflect who that person is or their unique positive traits. A friend who can’t notice the things that are special about you and conditionally gives you the love you deserve is mean.

9. 'I’ll have to invite you next time'

One of the most uncomfortable experiences for me is when one of my girlfriends tells a story about hanging out with all our other friends. There’s the awkward tension when she realizes I wasn’t invited, and she might try to alleviate that by saying “I’ll have to invite you next time.”

Even if my feelings are slightly hurt, it’s not the end of the world. You can’t be invited to everything. That doesn’t necessarily mean a friend who does that is a mean girl, but it could. If a girl continues not to invite you and likes to subtly brag about it, she's being mean. 

Just like adolescent bullies, adult bullies tend to be exclusive. In my mind, purposely leaving someone out is the definition of mean. She might be doing this to feel more powerful than you. 

She might be doing this to elevate her social status because it seems like people want to be around her more than they want to be around you. It also makes them seem in control because they’re managing who gets invited. A mean girl can do this to make their friends feel like they’re not enough to fit the expectations of the group.

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Lily Bell is a college student studying English and Publications who covers relationships, mental health, and personal narratives surrounding the human experience.