People Who Make Themselves More Miserable Than They Need To Be Often Say 8 Emotionally Defeating Phrases
MAYA LAB | ShutterstockIf you could go back and give your younger self some kind of advice, a little bit of wisdom that might change the past, what would you say? The funny thing about going back and giving yourself advice is that it's not your past that needs your wisdom; rather, it's your current self.
Some self-defeating phrases people say can destroy their own happiness, often without realizing it. But it's more than just a mindset shift. It's about creating the life we want, without holding ourselves back with negative self-talk. If there's negativity and worry infiltrating your mind, it's up to you to do the mental work of cleaning up your act and learning to be more positive.
People who make themselves more miserable than they need to be often say phrases:
1. 'I'm lonely'
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People keep hoping that love will make them feel happy because then they won't be alone. But the problem isn't being alone; it's being with themselves. The solution isn't starting a relationship just to have one; it's being happy in your own company. Then, even if they do find love, they won't expect it to "fix" them or fulfill them; instead, they will simply enjoy it.
Being alone can be uncomfortable at first, especially when people consider that loneliness contributes to low self-esteem, mental health issues, and depression or anxiety, according to the International Journal of Psychology. But practicing solitude can quickly shift from uncomfortable to nourishing. When people spend time with themselves, they start to enjoy their own company and eventually realize why others like their company, too.
What to say instead: "I enjoy and appreciate myself enough to be alone. I practice solitude."
2. 'I don't like my body, it's not good enough'
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One unfortunate phrase people say that can absolutely destroy their own happiness is putting themselves down for their physical appearance. But this blank, generalizing comment is infuriating, since it's unclear what their bodies ever did to make them so angry in the first place. Sadly, this kind of thinking can start early, with 2018 research indicating that around 40-50% of kids aged 6 through 12 say they're not happy with some aspect of their body shape or size.
But a person's body is their one vehicle that holds their heart and brain, encases a soul distinct to them, a personality individual to them, and it's all tucked safely inside this one body, this one temple that they are in charge of. We can't trade our body for another, so it's important to not wish for that through denial and self-hatred. People can love and improve the body they have by feeding it well, cherishing it, and letting it rest so they can take on the world.
What to say instead: "My body is a gift, not a right, and I cherish and appreciate it."
3. 'I'm not happy in my career'
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It's normal to feel unhappy with the career path you chose and to fall into negative self-talk that convinces you that you will never get where you want to be. But people with this mindset should ask themselves and answer honestly: What skills do they have that will help others in a way that also gives them the satisfaction of knowing they're part of a solution?
True happiness comes from giving, not receiving. Unhappy individuals should think less about money and work hours, and more about what kind of action will let them give their gifts and skills to this very demanding world. It might be that their job isn't the problem, but how they behave within it, and how hard they strive for a goal they once saw there.
What to say instead: "I focus more on what I give than what I receive. I practice humility."
4. 'I'm not lovable and I'm unworthy of affection'
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When people believe they aren't worthy of receiving love, whether it's romantic, platonic, or familial, they may try to convince themselves of this, using one of the many unfortunate phrases people say that absolutely destroy their own happiness. But they've spent their entire lives being who they are. Along with their faults and mistakes, they've also experienced all the times they've shone and succeeded.
They know themselves best, so why shouldn't they sit with that for a while? Instead of comparing themselves to others and what they have, they should look inward and not rely on others who don't even know them to decide who they are. Only they can decide that. As licensed clinical psychologist Amy Marschall reiterates, "It is important to remember that, even if you feel that you are unlovable or unworthy of positive regard from other people, this does not mean that it is true."
What to say instead: "I give love to myself first, then others."
5. 'I don't have enough money'
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Money is a real concern for everyday, regular people. In fact, it's one of the biggest contributing factors to marital conflict, according to research, including one study from Family Relations. Worrying and fighting about money makes people feel primordially unsafe, but the solution isn't to get more money; it's to get money-smart so that instead of acting from fear or depletion, people act from knowledge.
Rather than telling themselves they don't have enough money, people who are destroying their own happiness should change their mindset. Focus less on the amount, and more on wisely managing what they have. Books, online tutorials, TV shows, and even associates at the local bank can sit down and help.
What to say instead: "I'm in control of my lifestyle."
6. 'It's not fair that good things happen to other people, but not to me'
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Life's not fair; that's just part of being human. But instead of accepting it as reality, "It's not fair" is a common but unfortunate phrase that can destroy their happiness. They wait for things to get better instead of reclaiming their power to move forward.
It's best for them to take responsibility for their current situation: their job, relationship, income, and health. To have that power, they need to make healthier choices in every area of life. Simply accepting that power can be intimidating, but that fear isn't real. They need to just live their dreams before it's too late.
What to say instead: "I embrace my power to change my own life. I rise to the occasion that is my life."
7. 'I don't know what I want to do with my life'
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It's normal for younger people to be unsure of what they want to do in life: the career they want to pursue, the people they want to surround themselves with. But when the pressure starts to catch up, they resort to behaviors that keep them from finding real happiness. There is no correct way to express that passion; it's about looking around at what already interests them and making time for it.
According to psychotherapist and author Wendy Lustbader, "Doing something, rather than nothing, is the beginning of momentum; even without a pre-determined direction, and especially if this is so... Your circumstances are temporary, as is every hardship. The key is to leave the safety of home, put yourself out there, let chance have its way with you, and accede to the play of fate. You will find your way."
So, the best course forward is to start going out and looking for answers. Read books, study, talk to people, and do whatever is necessary. In order to find that happiness, people should stop asking the world to provide things to them and look for ways to give back to it, to create for it and within it, to volunteer themselves rather than waiting to be called.
What to say instead: "I eternally continue to follow my curiosity and passion."
8. 'I never get what I want'
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Whether it's in love, work, life, or friendships, nothing magically comes our way. And this victim mentality is such an overplayed record. Because the truth is, getting what you want means doing the work. Nobody is going to just hand someone whatever they want; it's a long journey to get there.
People need to stop thinking of themselves as a prince or princess locked in a tower. Instead, they should go out the front door and make it happen, and stop playing the victim of their own life. The power of their mind is greater than they accept, and if they accept that, it defines their reality; they can shape a reality they're absolutely in love with.
What to say instead: "I do what I must to get what I want. I don't wait for opportunities; I make them for myself."
Rachael Yahne is an award-winning blogger and writer. She writes lifestyle articles about purpose, passion, well-being, and happiness, and has had her work published on Huffington Post, Thought Catalog, Cosmopolitan, and Seventeen Magazine, among many others.
