Assertive People Do 5 Things To Prioritize Themselves Without Caring Who Approves
Visualkamikaze | PexelsGetting people to respect you is easy if you learn how to be more assertive by improving your communication skills the right way. A common misconception is that you need to act like an extrovert to assert yourself, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Being assertive means being direct about what you need, want, feel, or believe in a way that’s respectful of the views of others. It’s an effective communication skill that can reduce conflict and build your self-confidence. Asserting yourself can feel empowering and freeing without downplaying anyone else’s dignity or damaging your connections.
In fact, there are assertive ways to make yourself seen and respected daily. When your boundaries and intentions are obvious to yourself and those in your life, you gain a healthy measure of entitlement, a necessary factor in gaining agency and confidence.
Assertive people do 5 things to prioritize themselves without caring who approves:
1. They make their position known
Asserting yourself is the act of making yourself and your position plain to others. You want to be heard and understood, so no one can claim that they didn’t know or understand what you wanted to communicate.
Thus, to positively assert yourself, first commit to speaking up for yourself even if it’s uncomfortable. Then, be thoughtful and clear-minded regarding the purpose of what you want to share. In other words, know what matters to you and clearly state it.
So, listen actively. As you share your needs and boundaries, expect questions or pushback from other parties. That’s OK. Simply listen with respect; hearing them out doesn’t mean you have to abandon your limits.
If unsuccessful, then switch to a form of communication that just emphasizes your own views and needs. Communication with the eyes on "I" statements closes the door to discussions and engagement that do not reflect your views.
Being clear about what you can and can't take on is the source of power behind assertiveness. Marriage and family therapist Susan Saint-Welch elaborates, "Be specific. What works for you and what does not? What are you willing to accommodate this time, but not in the future? This type of communication technique will help you learn how to be more assertive while still maintaining respect."
2. Assertive people keep communication brief and on message
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Remember: you are asserting yourself. This means you are expressing yourself, not convincing anyone of anything. It’s OK to agree to disagree and attach consequences to a relationship that doesn’t honor your needs. The connection may simply not be mutually beneficial.
For relationships that you do wish to maintain, foster communication that keeps attempts to assert yourself as honest and focused on the present. Stay calm and relaxed, and speak in a neutral tone to connect well.
Career coach Dr. Sylvia Lafair explains that productive communication stays focused on the issue and not on the person you're talking to. "Keep feedback focused on the actual issue rather than making it personal. When you challenge ideas instead of attacking a person's character, you create space for productive discussion without putting anyone on the defensive," says Dr. Lafair.
3. They communicate rather than complain
The most effective way to achieve respect and consideration is to be a problem solver rather than simply lodge complaints. Take a solutions-oriented approach to conflicts or issues you want to address.
Work at seeing people who may have dismissed you before as peers you hope to inform. Then do so, firmly, without whining or animosity. Try to stick with statements that include phrases like "I think..." or "I feel..." Avoid aggressive language such as "You always..." or "You never..." Make eye contact frequently, but don’t stare them down.
4. They're brave, not bullies
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Aggressive behavior can result from attempts to be assertive if you aren’t careful and focused. Again, your goal is to honor yourself and your desire to have your personhood and needs to be respected, not to blame, assign guilt trips, indulge heightened emotion, or make anyone do anything they don’t want to.
Assertiveness is respectful of both yourself and the other person. Respect is key for healthy relationships to work. Simply speak up and voice your concerns as needed, whenever you feel compelled to do so. Let others know that you will hear them out as well.
5. Practice
Practice learning how to be more assertive as often as possible. Speaking clearly, adjusting your posture, and strengthening your handshake are small changes you can make to start boosting your presence and sense of control. Work on your body language in the mirror or with trusted loved ones. Record yourself to see how others view you.
Moreover, you can review past situations and interactions as learning lessons. Don’t beat yourself up; just explore how you might prepare for similar situations going forward. Being assertive is a skill that requires time and repetition to become comfortable. Stick with it and, in time, you’ll gain more confidence.
Engracia Gill is a psychotherapist in West Lake Hills, Texas, where she helps clients strengthen their communication, confidence, and self-respect. She works with individuals and couples navigating the patterns and dynamics that keep them stuck.
