After Ten Years Of Marriage, These 21 Little Things Turned Out To Matter Most
Jonathan Borba | PexelsIt was a sweltering Saturday in June when our closest friends and family gathered in Montevallo, Alabama. Storm clouds were brewing, and I was running and yelling, “Everyone, get in your places! We’re gonna have a wedding!”
During the past ten years, we’ve done a lot of living. We’ve learned some beautiful and some very painful lessons. We’ve each spent a week in a psych ward. We’ve had two babies. We worked in churches for a decade. We’ve nearly divorced at least once. And we have only just begun to learn what truly matters in life and marriage.
After ten years of marriage, these 21 little things turned out to matter most:
1. Choose your battles
Socks on the floor don’t matter. The little daily squabbles are often triggers for deeper, unspoken issues with the framework of the relationship.
"Your partner is not perfect, and neither are you. We all will make mistakes throughout any relationship, and it's key to learn how to pick your battles. Be judicious and bring up matters only when it's worth the battle for both your sakes," marriage and family therapist Carin Goldstein explained.
2. Put your own dishes in the sink
Guys: she ain’t your Mama. The mental load of keeping a household running is heavy enough without one partner forced to be a manager while the other weaponizes their incompetence. Pulling your weight on the tiny things is one of the easiest ways to show love to your partner.
3. When everything hits the fan (because it will hit the fan), hug each other tight and silently count to thirty
You’ll be surprised just how much that can fix. Physical closeness reminds you both that you're on the same team. Sometimes your body knows how to reconnect before your brain knows how to.
Couples counselors Linda and Charlie Bloom agree: "Well-timed physical touching in the form of taking our partner's hands, giving a hug, or putting our arm around them can reduce tension and open up a channel for deeper connection.
4. Put in the work
If it’s great, it’s because you put in the work. If it sucks, put in more work. Only the two of you can make your marriage strong. So push away distractions, shut out negative opinions, and do what it takes to make it last.
5. Pick a date night and stick to it
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Even if you sit at home with a microwave meal, set aside time for each other. Use this time to remove your various hats (parent, employee, landlord) and just sit as two people who continue to choose each other.
"Couples who talk together are more likely to stay together. Even just twenty minutes of talking together after the kids are in bed will do so much to refresh your connection," clinical psychologist Dr. Susan Heitler explained.
6. Buy flowers for no particular reason
The flowers given on a random Tuesday in April will always hit harder than the flowers given on Valentine's Day or their birthday. These kinds of unprompted gestures help to prove that they're always on your mind.
7. Don’t just hope for the best
Do something. Don’t avoid the hard conversations so long that resentment takes root. Address problems as soon as they come up.
"In a successful relationship, we need to let go of certain things or be patient about them, but that's not the same as sandbagging important issues that need to be confronted safely and reasonably. When we habitually block disagreements instead of working on them, we end up with a hardening of the matrimonial arteries," cautioned relationship therapist Jean Fitzpatrick.
8. Listen more than you speak
There is so much power in listening, and not the kind of listening where you're just waiting for your turn to talk instead of processing what is being said.
Couples therapists Mary Ellen Goggin and Dr. Jerry Duberstein caution: "Not feeling heard, genuinely, deeply heard. is one of the primary reasons couples stop talking, carry resentment, and eventually drift apart."
9. Look for opportunities to laugh
When either of you can crack a joke about the mess you're standing in the middle of, you anchor yourselves in the knowledge that you're still a team. Couples that laugh together nurture an emotional resilience that could never be replicated from grim determination.
10. Wives: Don’t throw away his favorite t-shirt without asking first
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No matter how many holes it has. The threadbare shirt is a memento from his college roommate's wedding, the first concert he went to, or the one (and only) 5k he ran. Tossing it without asking is a betrayal that could lead to a huge fissure.
11. Stop comparing
You chose to be with your spouse. Not the guy or girl down the street. So love the one you’re with. Comparison is the unseen thief of marital joy. The grass isn't greener somewhere else; it's greener where you water it.
12. Practice real intimacy
Real intimacy is feeling safe enough to be your most unfiltered self in front of one person, knowing they won't turn their back on you when you're done. It encompasses the inside jokes, your unspoken language, the late-night conversations about nothing, and the nights when you talk about your deepest fears.
Samantha Burns, a marriage therapist, explained that "Couples who lack both emotional and physical intimacy — admiring, appreciating, touching, kissing, caressing, holding, hugging — are at divorce risk."
13. Give, give, give
Try to out-give each other. The healthiest marriages involve both partners showing up to make the other's life easier without keeping score.
14. Husbands: notice the details
The new earrings, the shoes, and the fact that she put clean sheets on the bed. And don’t just notice it, say something.
15. Compliment each other
Let your words bring life to each other. Compliments are the daily maintenance of a marriage.
Clinical social worker Richard Drobnick agreed: "One powerful habit couples can master is the art of acknowledgment by genuinely recognizing and appreciating their partner's efforts. People thrive on feeling competent and valued. Acknowledgment meets this core need and strengthens an emotional connection."
16. Wives: Don’t expect him to intuitively recognize a problem
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It probably won’t happen. If something is up, tell him! It might sound insane, but most men genuinely cannot read and translate your expression from across the room.
17. Forgive until you actually mean it
To get to this point, forgiveness needs to become a practice. You might find yourself needing to forgive the same hurt over and over and over until it no longer holds any power in your heart.
"There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. Forgiving is not about approving what the other has done; it is all about how you relate with the other person, especially with yourself," marriage and family therapist Rev. Christopher L. Smith explained.
18. Husbands: Wipe the toilet seat
Ladies, if he doesn’t, do it for him. This is not a hill worth dying on. Save your emotional bandwidth for the conversations that actually matter.
19. Sort out the chores between you
In our house, if she cooks, he cleans. Division of labor is one of the most underrated marriage skills that more people need to be talking about. Clearing up who does what puts a stop to any silent resentment that might be building behind the scenes.
20. Fight fair
Stick to the present issue and do everything you can to resolve it. Don’t dig at old wounds. Stay on topic, attack the problem, never the person.
21. Reach out when you’re in over your head
There’s no shame in seeking professional help when you just can’t fix it. Knowing when to seek professional help is a positive sign that you both care enough to do the work before any problems can get worse.
"Don't wait until it's too late to consider getting started in marriage counseling. You owe it to yourself and your partner to get help and repair your relationship so you can have a secure and happy future. Many of the happiest couples who've lasted the longest cite counseling as a significant reason they're still together," explained marriage therapist Dr. Lynda Spann.
Steve Austin is a writer, speaker, and advocate of second chances who shares his personal story of healing from childhood trauma, mental illness, and faith struggles.
