Narcissistic Wives Use 11 Specific Tactics To Manipulate Their Husbands
MDV Edwards | ShutterstockNarcissistic wives often employ a whole host of manipulation tactics in order to get what they want, never considering the harm this may cause to their husbands.
Of course, it's important to note that not all people with narcissistic traits are pathologically this way. Still, nobody should treat their spouse this way, especially when the goal is to manipulate them into getting what you want.
The specific tactics narcissistic wives often use to manipulate their unsuspecting husbands:
1. She acts sweet and kind in public
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According to therapist Melissa Prusko, PsyD, narcissists tend to adopt many different behavior patterns that seem almost like personalities. This can be incredibly disillusioning and confusing to their partners and friends, acting differently around certain people or in certain social situations.
For example, they might act like the perfec" wife in public, making your relationship seem perfect and even being the perfect mom to kids, only to flip around and be overly judgmental and critical at home. Of course, being critical isn't necessarily a narcissistic behavior, but when it becomes debilitating and the false behavior seems pathological, it can be highly damaging.
2. She feeds into parental alienation
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Parental alienation, where one parent becomes separated or estranged from their kids due to manipulation from a spouse, can obviously have incredibly intense consequences on children's well-being.
This is one of the cruelest ways a narcissistic wife manipulates her husband when they have kids. She subtly manipulates the kids to always take her side and to see the bad in him.
For example, she may go behind her husband's back and talk poorly about him to their kids, urging them to pity and support her in the case of conflict. They believe they're protecting her, but she's actually the manipulator in the scenario.
Not only does this sabotage the trust in their marriage, it can actively harm the relationship between her husband and his children. Eventually, when the kids realize what she did to them, they lose trust in her, leaving them feeling alone and not knowing who to trust.
3. She expects him to over-explain all his decisions
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Being in a marriage is a kind of partnership that encourages spouses to be ultra-honest and open with each other. Whether it's talking about their emotions or simply their plan for their day, each partner should feel safe to talk about anything.
However, manipulative narcissistic wives often expect their husbands to over-explain themselves in every scenario, urging them to lean toward defensiveness, rather than vulnerability. While she may say, "i'm just trying to understand," she's really using the extended explanation as a way to control him.
This manipulation tactic is especially bad because narcissistic wives can easily pretend it's normal behavior, disorienting their husbands until the no longer know what is logical and what's an overreaction. This can spark major fights, especially as he tries to figure out what is a reasonable expectation and what's not.
4. She changes her expectations often
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Another way a narcissistic wife manipulates her spouse is by randomly changing the rules, sometimes even on a daily basis. Of course, there aren't many explicit rules between adults, so it's more about what's implied.
Rather than get honest about her needs and have a vulnerable conversation with her husband about her expectations for their life together, she shifts the playing field and makes him feel inadequate for not being able to keep up. She tells him she doesn't like him to do something one week, and a month later she asks why he doesn't do that anymore, often accusing him of not caring or not loving her because of it.
By changing the rules and making him feel less certain and comfortable about her needs, she can easily weaponize his normal behaviors as unhealthy or uncaring, when in reality, he's just trying to keep up. Essentially, he can never be right about anything, no matter how hard he tries.
5. She uses the silent treatment
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Silence is often healthy for partners in a marriage, but weaponizing that silence, a.k.a. giving the silent treatment, to punish people for not doing what you wanted or expected is incredibly manipulative. It literally removes the most innate human need, connection, from someone to change their behavior.
It's a problem in any relationship, but in a marriage it's doubly bad. She'll use communication and vulnerability as a leverage point to control rather than a means for working through conflict with her partner, sabotaging his emotional well-being and their relationship at the same time.
6. She uses phrases like 'it's just a joke'
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A narcissistic wife will do anything to seem superior to her husband, even if that means pretending to be joking when she's actually making a dig at him. Whether that means calling him names, poking fun at his insecurities, or making mean-spirited jokes about him in public, she'll do anything to weaponize embarrassment or shame to get what she wants.
Relying on phrases like "it's not a big deal" or "it's just a joke," a narcissistic wife can gaslight her husband into taking on the emotional burden and responsibility for her own hurtful actions and language. He'll do his best to shrink away so she'll move on from using him as a target, making him passive in his own life and home.
7. She mocks his needs and requests for connection
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One of the cruelst things a narcissistic person can do is to use their empathy to know exactly how to hurt someone. While they pretty much never care about how someone feels, at least not in comparison with how they feel in the moment, they know what makes their partner feel happy, sad and everything in between.
By making her own needs and desires the most important part of her marriage, a narcissistic wife can urge her husband to put his own aside. Worse, she may even mock his needs and make him feel badly for wanting more connection with her.
Eventually, he'll retreat and stop having needs altogether unless she stops this behavior or he decides to end the relationship. Nobody deserves this type of treatment.
8. She seeks out validation from men to make him jealous
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It shouldn't be a big surprise that in a society that often values women primarily for their appearance that many wives struggle to let go of the external validation they received when they were single. Narcissistic wives take this to a whole new level.
Not only do they seek external validation much more than the average person, they may sacrifice the well-being and loyalty of their relationship for the sake of attention. They may violate boundaries, disrespect their husband or even have (or threaten) an affair to get him to do something to please her.
Even if it's only on social media, posting solely for likes and comments from random strangers, trolling for ego hits from other men to make herself feel good an make her husband jealous is a deeply problematic behavior in a monogamous marriage.
9. She fakes being the victim
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According to clinical psychologist Karin Gepp, a constant state of victimhood, reliant upon blame-shifting and avoiding accountability, is one of the foundational elements of narcissism. They may try to urge their husband to take the blame for their hurtful behaviors or even try to seek pity and sympathy from a partner to get what they want.
While it may seem simple at first, it's one of the most common forms of manipulation tnarcissists rely on to get what they want. This works especially well with kind men who would never want to hurt a woman, let alone their wives.
10. She uses affection to get what she wants
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If you notice that your wife only offers praise and affection when she wants something, she may be trying to manipulate you.
Some narcissistic wives go out of their way to express gratitude and even empathize in order to "butter up" her husband. This may sound cute, but if that's the only time she really connects, it's the furthest thing from cute or innocent.
See, narcissists are inherently transactional, always leveraging their partner's perceived weaknesses and desires in their own agendas. When affection is a man's weakness, she'll use it against him.
11. She weaponizes his insecurities
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Many narcissistic people use the knowledge of the people in their lives to better take advantage of them. For example, a narcissistic wife who knows her partner is easily embarrassed in social situations may make jokes at his expense to get a laugh or make fun of his anxiety during a conflict to make it easier to manipulate him into getting what she wants.
Of course, narcissism is a spectrum, and not every wife who uses these manipulative behaviors sometimes is a narcissist. Even if she's the furthest thing from a clinical narcissist, these are unkind and even cruel behaviors that no kind partner deserves.
Marriage dysfunction is sometimes called a dance between both partners. The dynamic will continue until both partners stop dancing. Sometimes that happens when they start therapy, other times the controlled partner needs to set strong boundaries. Eventually, though, if this behavior doesn't change, the relationship will have to end.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
