Kids Raised By Parents With 8 Personality Traits Grow Up To Be Adults With A Backbone
Irina WS | ShutterstockWhether you're parenting with a partner or as a single parent, you want to raise healthy, happy kids with backbone. The best parenting advice is to nurture specific personality traits in yourself to make parenting easier—ones that moms and dads with the most effective parenting styles use regularly.
While I can’t promise your kids will alwayslike how you deal with them, honing these effective parenting personality traits will help you raise a child who knows they're loved, understands their place in the world, and has a backbone.
8 personality traits of parents who raise kids with a backbone:
1. Being super responsive to needs and emotions
This implies you accept where your child is at any given time and are sensitive to their needs.
- This can mean that when your infant is crying, you go to them and respond to their hunger or discomfort.
- This can also mean that when your toddler has a meltdown, you accept that tantrums are part of toddlerhood. Instead of getting upset or angry about the fit they are throwing at the grocery store, you respond to their need (which may be hunger or exhaustion).
The responsive parent looks past what appears to be happening and attunes to what their child needs.
2. Having high expectations
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Yes, parents, it’s appropriate to expect your child to be respectful, have good manners, play nicely, and learn in school.
- Setting high expectations is good for kids.
- Unrealistic, perfection-driven expectations are bad for kids.
Parents seem confused by this concept; they're afraid to either push too hard and stress kids out, or not push hard enough and end up with unsuccessful children. But this issue isn't about pushing; it’s about being clear about your values and setting the bar your children will strive for and, for most of them, achieve.
Kids do well with the consistency and structure that come with clearly defined expectations. Start early and keep adjusting with age, and your children will soar to meet them.
3. The ability to show true affection
Hugs, kisses, and cuddles should start with a newborn baby and continue throughout childhood. Research in pediatric child health shows that physical touch helps babies thrive and grow, and it does the same for older kids and their self-esteem and confidence. It's also another way to express emotion, which is great modeling for your child.
Showing a child that holding hands, rubbing their back, and sitting close to one another are ways to express interest and love is a beautiful lesson in communication and self-expression. Studies from the American Psychological Association show that the good feeling that comes from a parent’s warmth and touch (at any age) triggers the release of oxytocin (the love hormone) in a child.
This appears to have a positive, long-term effect on the developing child’s overall happiness, including decreased anxiety and increased mental wellness.
4. The ability to both listen and share in conversations
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You must listen to your child when they speak to you. When they feel valued as human beings, they're more likely to do the same to others in later relationships. So when it’s your turn to talk, they're more likely to listen because they understand relationships are about both sharing and listening.
Psychologist Barbara Becker Holstein explained the importance of keeping it real when sharing with children: "Share your deepest feelings, fears, and even secrets from growing up during appropriate moments in the conversation as you're asking questions. Your kids need to know you are human and that you made mistakes during your adolescence.
We want our kids to see us as perfect vessels, but the truth is you were a kid once, and you've had your share of failures and successes. Keeping it real with your kids will make you more relatable and attainable, helping them feel not loved, but heard and understood as well."
5. They're supportive
While this may sound like a standard personality quality, I often see parents struggle with it. I think it’s important to agree on the definition. Supportive doesn't mean you let your child do anything they want. It means validating their feelings, encouraging them, and getting creative when what they want isn't something you can provide or think is best for them.
This comes up a lot during the teenage years. They may want to join a band, buy a car, or play a sport they've never tried before. You can support their desires without compromising what you think is best. Listening, validating, and then creating a plan (or plan b) together is key to letting your child know you support them.
6. Consistent in every way
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This often-overlooked personality quality starts before you have kids.
- Were you reliable and did you show up where you needed to be?
- Did you keep your word?
- Were you a predictable friend?
Consistency in parenting means enforcing rules and applying consequences regularly. If you know you were never much of a rule follower, this could be an area where you may struggle. Yet, it is one of the most essential foundational skills to being a good parent.
You have to keep your word with kids, and if you threaten to take away dessert or no car for the weekend, you have to follow through when your child doesn't fulfill their agreement. Without consistent love, caretaking, and discipline, your child will be less likely to take you seriously and will push boundaries more.
7. Being reasonable during conversations
This personality characteristic is one every relationship appreciates. Being reasonable in relationships means explaining the reasons behind your actions and decisions. By doing so, you show you are thoughtful and consider your behaviors and choices.
Being reasonable also makes you approachable and generally easy to talk to. If you co-parent with a partner, one parent is typically more “reasonable” or rational than the other. Be the rational one, and it may help the other parent see the benefits of thinking things through and being considerate.
8. The autonomy to allow kids their independence
Autonomy and independence begin as early as nine months old, when a baby starts to crawl. It is hard to imagine, but you spend much of the first twenty-one years of parenting navigating a push-pull relationship with your children.
You may have a hard time letting your child walk and then run. You think of preschool and kindergarten and feel sad, and then in the tween and teen years, you hear a lot of, “I can do it by myself”
You have to decide when to let them learn and fail on their own. Some parents never want to let go, and they cause their kids to feel insecure in their abilities and scared of the world.
"If you are always there to swoop in and solve their problems, how will they learn to do it themselves? Sometimes, it's important to step back and let your child face the consequences of their actions. Our anxiety from watching our kids stumble makes us want to jump in and save them. While it’s important to keep your kids safe from harm, allowing them to experience the natural consequences of life will better prepare them to be responsible in the future," explained family therapist Jennie Marie Norgaard.
Some parents may encourage independence in some areas but not in others, which can confuse their child. Great parents are clear about their values on this topic and balance encouraging freedom and risk-taking with spending time with their child and knowing when to pull them in. This looks different for each parent and child, but it is a quality to keep in mind at every step.
Parenting is a challenging, complicated, and rewarding endeavor. Understanding your personality traits and how they may help or harm your relationship with your child is key to being the best parent you can be.
Each kid has their own personality, so knowing what they need, how often, and when is your challenge, too. However, parents with these essential personality traits tend to have the most effective parenting styles, so you'll be prepared for whatever parenting throws your way next.
Dr. Sheryl Ziegler is a mother, Doctor of Psychology, speaker, and author of Mommy Burnout: How Addressing Yours Will Make You A Better Mother and Create A Better Life for Your Children.
