No One's Fully Grown Child Should Be Expected To Do 11 Things For Their Parents
Maria Sbytova | Shutterstock All relationships change over time, but few change more than the ones between parents and their kids. They start out as totally dependent, helpless little creatures and over the course of what feels like just a few years become fully capable adults themselves.
With that in mind, it's no surprise there are often bumps along the way as this relationship grows and changes. Often, problems arise when a parent has expectations that aren't reasonable. The list below shares just a few, but may be helpful if you're in the middle of one of these situations.
Here are 11 things adult kids should never be expected to do for their parents
1. Let them move in
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Multi-generational homes have been traditional in pretty much every culture, and still are the norm for many around the globe. These traditions may vary, very family unit operates differently, and what works for one set of adult kids and their parents won’t automatically work for another.
With that in mind, it's important to remember that even when something is traditional, it shouldn't be taken for granted. This is even more true when someone invites their parents into their home in a time of need in a culture where it's not typical.
As harsh as it might seem, adult kids don’t automatically owe their parents anything, and they’re not automatically responsible for their caretaking as they enter old age. In a healthy family dynamic, parents recognize that their adult kids need to prioritize themselves and their new, core family unit.
That doesn't mean parents of grown children should be pushed out the door. It means recognizing the difference between your child making space for you in their adult home as an act of generosity and them feeling guilt-tripped or manipulated into it.
2. Fund their retirement
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Even though parents are the sole source of financial support during their kids’ younger years, their kids shouldn’t be expected to pay them back once they grow up. Why? Because that's not the deal. Parents choose to have kids, not the other way around.
Still, a significant portion of adult kids support their parents and their own kids at the same time. According to the Pew Research Center, 54% of people in their 40s are part of “the sandwich generation,” meaning they have a parent who’s 65 or older at the same time that they’re raising a child under 18 or have an adult child they’re supporting financially.
A separate study from the University of Michigan revealed that sandwich-generation caregivers were twice as likely to report financial difficulties as parental caregivers who weren’t also supporting their own kids at the same time.
Researcher Donovan Maust pointed out that sandwich generations are “caught in this ‘trilemma’ of being caregivers to two generations and members of the workforce at the same time.”
As emotionally taxing as it can be for adult kids to witness their parents’ transition to retirement, they shouldn’t feel forced to take on their parent’s financial burdens. If they want to help, that's wonderful. But it's not something a parent should assume will always happen.
3. Be responsible for their parent's emotions
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Adult kids should never feel responsible for managing their parents’ emotions. Being emotionally validating and empathic doesn’t mean carrying the weight of someone else’s emotions as if they are our own. Adult kids can be supportive without having to manage their parents in this way.
Sadly, too many parents expect their adult kids to meet their needs almost like a partner or a therapist. But everyone, regardless of age, is responsible for their own moods and feelings.
When adult kids set emotional boundaries, it doesn’t mean they ignore or disregard their parents’ feelings. It means they’re taking care of themselves first to stay connected to their parents healthily.
4. Produce grandchildren
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Becoming a parent is an extremely personal and emotional decision, and adult kids should never feel forced to do it for their own parents. Yes, grandchildren are an absolute gift, but they are human beings, not obligatory.
Parents who pressure their adult kids to have kids of their own usually do so with good intentions: They love their children, and by extension, they would love their grandchildren. As harsh as it sounds, the reality is that for adult kids, raising their kids lasts way longer than their parents will live.
Ultimately, adult kids don’t exist to fulfill their parents' wishes, especially when those wishes create the lives of whole new human beings.
5. Follow in their professional footsteps
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Parents want their adult kids to succeed, yet part of success means having agency over your own career. Parents can’t define success for their kids, no matter how much they want to. Adult kids should never feel forced to follow the same professional path as their parents.
Healthy relationships require parents to step back and relinquish control over the decisions their adult kids make. It might not be easy, but letting kids have their own lives is essential.
When parents hold onto the expectation that their adult kids should move through the world the same way they did, they deny them the opportunity to find their own passion and purpose. In
6. Always be available
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Staying in touch is easier now than ever, but that doesn’t mean adult kids must pick up the phone whenever their parents call. They’re allowed to leave texts unanswered and ignore their parents when they FaceTime them, at least for a reasonable amount of time.
“No matter how natural it is to want to keep your kids close, it is essential to keep a balanced view and see your children as separate people who are eventually going to grow up and have their own lives,” psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten explains.
She pointed out that “parents who become over-invested in maintaining a very close relationship (by their definition) with their adult kids can be very hurt and react in dramatic ways when their kids try to individuate.”
“So many adult children in this dynamic wish their parents would just ‘get a life’ and be happy so that they could stop worrying about the parent constantly and feeling like their parent’s happiness rides or dies on whether they texted that day,” she shares.
Limited availability does not reflect how much adult kids love their parents; it’s just an indication that they have their own lives to tend to.
If parents are truly concerned, they can ask their kids what a schedule that works for both parent and adult child might look like, and start following that instead of engaging in behavior that feels to their kids like borderline stalking.
7. Go home for the holidays
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The holidays are meant to be joyful times, but parents shouldn’t automatically expect their adult kids to come home for each one. Even if their parents insist, adult kids should never feel forced to celebrate holidays with their parents. They have every right to establish their own traditions, separate from what their parents want.
Setting boundaries around holidays can cause tension, but ultimately, it allows adult kids to love their parents and themselves simultaneously. Having discussions early and thoroughly about parental expectations and what grown kids can actually make happen can help ease tensions and help everyone feel more secure.
If adult kids feel pressured to spend holidays at home, the holiday cheer their parents hoped for will likely not exist.
8. Participate in family drama
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Adult kids should never feel forced to take sides in family conflicts, especially when it interferes with their inner peace. This is unfair unfair to ask of anyone, asking your child to choose between different people they love is cruel.
Within families, long-established patterns can be hard to recognize, especially regarding conflict resolution, and can add unreasonable stress to an adult kid, as this likely triggers memories of past drama and upsetting situations. Many adult kids simply don't want to be reminded of those feelings of insecurity now that they're grown.
Focusing on their well-being becomes more important than maintaining familial peace or taking sides once kids are grown. There’s no rule that they must continue harmful patterns and putting distance between their parents and themselves is often the only solution.
9. Follow their advice
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It’s entirely normal for parents to give their children advice when they are young, but by the time their children reach adulthood, they should recognize that their children don’t need the same amount of guidance. No matter how freely it is dispensed, adult children should never feel forced to follow their parents’ advice.
More than anything, adult kids want to feel like they’re in the driver’s seat of their own lives. They want their parents' advice when needed, but they don't want it imposed upon them willy-nilly.
Often, parents of adult kids wonder what the big deal is. They may say, "Take my advice or leave it," but the kids often hear, "I don't trust you to know how to handle this."
10. Prioritize their parents over their own well-being
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As difficult as it can be to accept, declining health is part of the aging process. Parents might struggle to navigate their health issues, but adult kids should never feel forced to prioritize their parents’ health or even emotional needs when it puts their own well-being at risk.
It’s one thing for adult kids to drive their parents to the occasional appointment, but it’s something else altogether to assume all responsibility for their parents’ health. Yes, many children do this for their parents and this is a beautiful thing. Often, there's no other option due to financial constraints.
Still, caretaking can take a toll on the parent-child relationship, and it shouldn't be assumed the kids will sacrifice their own well-being to do the job when it could be done by a professional, at least part of the time.
If their parents do need additional support that they don’t have the bandwidth for, adult kids should feel free to set limits around what they can do. No person can be everything to someone else, even someone they love, including parents and their adult kids.
11. Forgive them instantly
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No parent is ever perfect, just as no child is perfect, either. Part of loving someone means loving them for who they are, with all their flaws and the inevitable mistakes they’ll make. Even so, adult kids should never feel forced to forgive their parents instantly, no matter how much their parents wish they would.
According to Psychology Today, forgiveness happens when someone is able to release the anger or resentment and move forward. However, they advise, "One doesn't have to return to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviors from an offender."
Yes, forgiveness has a lot of health benefits for both the one offering it and the one asking for it, but it cannot be forced without doing more harm. Expecting forgiveness before someone is ready, even from your own grown children, is a self-entitled behavior that only benefits yourself, and can even become a relationship-destroyer.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
