Moms Who Care More About Being Good Parents Than Being Liked Usually Say 11 Things To Their Kids Daily
esra afsar | UnsplashMoms often get a bad rap for their relentless nagging and nosy questions. But those things that make kids groan might just be hidden gems of wisdom. In fact, moms who prioritize being a good parent know that communication is key to raising healthy kids even when they're teens.
This so-called nagging can be a masterclass in emotionally intelligent parenting, shaping kids into adults who can handle feelings with grace. Even when they annoy kids or make them feel controlled, the point is to be a good parent, not to be liked. Once the kids grow up, they're grateful.
Moms who care more about being good parents than being liked say these things in daily conversation:
1. ‘Are you sure you’re okay? I'm here if you change your mind’
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When you're an adolescent, having your parents check in on you can feel suffocating. But when a mom cares more about being a good parent than being liked or popular, she prioritizes emotional presence.
Now, everybody needs independence and space, even kids. Teens often need way more space and time and may even make their parents feel unwelcome when they try to talk. Still, this doesn't change the fact that most kids lack the control and emotional intelligence to sort through these complicated emotions.
According to the Child Mind Institute, children start to control their emotions with some success at age five to six. However, according to the American Psychological Association, impulse control and problem-solving skills don't fully develop until young adulthood.
So, while kids might grow annoyed with their mothers for being pushy, emotionally intelligent mothers understand that at some point, stepping in and walking their children through their emotions is sometimes necessary. Whether kids like it or not, they're not developed enough to make sense of their feelings independently, so having an emotionally intelligent mother is important.
2. ‘Put yourself in their shoes’
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When kids are younger, they're entirely focused on their own reality and can kind of forget about what other people are going through. To help them to learn this skill, moms often say things like "put yourself in their shoes" and then explain how and why they should do this.
Most kids who hear this can't help but roll their eyes at their mom. After all, who truly cares about putting themselves in other people's shoes, right? When kids are upset or frustrated, the last thing they want to consider is how the other person might feel. Still, there's a reason why empathizing with others is so important.
For instance, one study in 2024 cited that students with higher levels of empathy were increasingly more likely to stand up to bullies, while those with lower levels reinforced their behaviors. Knowing this, moms who use this phrase should continue to use it. While kids might grow annoyed and frustrated with this infamous phrase, it does wonders for their character growth.
3. ‘It’s how you said it’
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A kid is lying in bed scrolling through their phone when they hear their mother say they need to take out the trash. Rolling their eyes, they come downstairs and mutter, "Fine," only to be met with an eyebrow raise and a reprimand from Mom.
In that moment, it may feel unjust to be scolded for something so trivial. However, as most children have heard before, an annoying phrase from their mom that is actually a sign of extreme emotional intelligence is, "It's how you said it."
Most people aren't that in tune with themselves, let alone their emotions. Because of this, they don't always notice the shift in tone their partner, kids, or friends might use when they're upset or feeling aggravated. But when it comes to emotionally intelligent moms, they're almost always able to pick up on these tone shifts without thinking twice about it.
That's because people notice changes in tone as they become more sensitive to tone, cites psychologist and author Rick Hanson, Ph.D. That's why moms who prioritize being a good parent offer this correction.
He continued, "Paying attention to tone puts you more in touch with yourself because you have to be aware of what's building inside, promoting mindfulness and building up its neural substrates." And that's an important life skill for a kid to practice.
So, while their kids might not feel as if they did much wrong, emotionally intelligent mothers pick up on their kids' tone easily, causing them to say infamous phrases such as these.
4. ‘Okay, start from the beginning’
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When their child returns home from school distressed and in tears because they were excluded by friends or treated poorly by a teacher, mothers' natural protective instincts may kick in, leading them to immediately seek solutions. Yet, a frequently used phrase by wise mothers, "Okay, let's start from the beginning," reflects their emotional intelligence.
Emotionally intelligent mothers can do something that most people can't do, and that's control their emotions. Instead of letting their instincts take over, these mothers can sit down and analyze the situation by asking their children to explain what happened from the start.
Sure, it might be frustrating for kids to do this, but discussing what happened clearly can help avoid misunderstandings. According to a study in 2019, misunderstandings often lead to confusion, which then leads to greater conflict.
So, to avoid this, emotionally intelligent mothers calmly sit down and ask their children to start from the beginning. Not only does this save both parties the frustration of working around vague sentences, but it also brings about better solutions, leading to a more productive conversation.
5. ‘Do you need a moment?’
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According to a study published in Neuropsychiatric Disease and Treatment, kids often don't have their full emotional management skills developed until they're significantly older. This is because the logical portion of the brain doesn't technically stop developing until 25. This is important to note, as until this period, most people didn't have complete control over their behavior or impulse control.
Considering this, a commonly irritating phrase from moms that actually demonstrates significant emotional intelligence is, "Do you need a moment?" Understandably, a kid's last desire is to do breathing exercises while their mom sets a timer. However, there's a reason why taking a breather is so essential.
Taking even a few moments for themselves can calm people's minds. This is important as the study found that couples could better defuse situations and reach a conflict resolution. So, while the parent and child might hate to take that uncomfortable break, allowing a break is the best and most effective way to work through challenging emotions or conflict together.
6. ‘How did that make you feel?’
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At a certain age, children become less open about their emotions. According to psychotherapist Elizabeth Donovan, M.A., "Keeping secrets is often an important way teens learn to make their own decisions and face their own mistakes."
Still, while being open isn't always the standard, this doesn't stop an emotionally intelligent mom from asking these questions. While children might feel uncomfortable with it, getting into how they are feeling will help them move past those emotions.
As it stands, emotional suppression never works. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, emotional suppression keeps the negative emotions intact while decreasing the positive ones.
With this in mind, mothers shouldn't feel discouraged if their child doesn't reveal everything. After all, it takes a while for people, let alone children, to open up.
But as long as mothers continue to create that safe space for emotional expression, kids will feel more comfortable speaking their minds, even if it might be annoying at first! And, at the very least,
7. ‘I don’t know, what do you think?’
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Now, on the surface, it might sound unhelpful and avoidant when a mother responds, "I don't know, what do you think?" After all, they're the adults here, so why wouldn't they take charge of the conversation or bestow their great wisdom upon their children, right?
While children might consider this phrase rude, it's actually a sign that a mom is willing to do what she thinks is right, even if it annoys her kids. She wants them to not only express how they're feeling, but to learn to take ownership over those feelings (and the choices they make as a result), too.
According to licensed clinical psychologist Ronald Stolberg, Ph.D., only when children solve their problems can they finally gain the confidence to do so independently. He continued, "The long-term goal is to raise children who, when faced with adversity or problems, feel confident that they have the experience to proceed appropriately."
With this in mind, emotionally intelligent mothers always look for ways to allow their kids independence. From the clothes they wear to the opinions they form, emotionally intelligent mothers understand that the only way to create an emotionally intelligent child is to give them the independence to make mistakes, even if their mind screams at them to do the opposite.
8. ‘How would you feel if that happened?’
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One of the most important lessons a parent can teach a child is how to use empathy. Yes, some kids develop it on their own, but most need a little coaching and guidance. It's not that kids are purposely trying to be inconsiderate or heartless. Depending on their age, most kids struggle to be empathetic, and it's developmentally typical for young kids, in particular, to have a very "me-centric" perspective on the world.
However, moms who care about being good parents want their children to grow up with an empathetic nature. They want them to be caring and kind.
Not all mothers purposely frustrate or upset their children by using this phrase. However, considering how important it is for children to have empathy, emotionally intelligent mothers will ask these perspective-based questions to help teach their children how to be more empathetic.
9. ‘Not everyone will like you, that’s okay’
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As kids grow older, they want to fit in. For most kids, this is totally developmentally normal. Sometimes this instinct can get a little too intense, so Moms tend to say the infamous "Not everyone is going to like you, and that's okay" phrase.
In their children's eyes, this might feel unnecessary or uncalled for. After all, it's just baseless words that have no meaning, right? However, mothers might unconsciously showcase just how emotionally intelligent they are compared to the rest of the people.
Sure, everyone wants to feel loved and accepted. It's human nature to group together and find people whose kids can rely on during times of need, apart from their parents. Still, it's the true quality of friendships and relationships that matters most. Being in a friendship with someone who's emotionally immature or someone who needs to work 24/7 to keep, isn't worth it in the long run. Investing too much energy into the run person can certainly end in disaster.
So, while a mom saying she, herself, doesn't need to be liked or accepted might sound like boloney to the kids, she models this in her behavior. And, when she says a phrase like this with love, she's simply reinforcing the idea that what is meant for her children will find them and that they shouldn't compromise who they are to be liked.
10. ‘Let’s focus on what we can control’
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Even as adults, most people struggle to focus on the present. With bills piling up and work becoming increasingly chaotic, it can be anxiety-inducing to worry about the things they can't control. This is probably why an annoying mom phrase that is actually a sign of emotional intelligence is, "Let's focus on what we can control."
She says it because she needs to use this skill, too!
Perfectionist tendencies can quickly damage a person's mental health if people aren't careful. More often than not, many mothers, even emotionally intelligent ones, struggle to stay focused on what they can control, especially when they're over-stressed and emotionally worn down.
So this phrase is a lesson not just for the moms, but also for their kids. Slow down. Breathe deep. Look at what is actually within your control and work on that together. Will it annoy the kids? Probably. But in the long run, it's one of the most important emotional skills a parent can teach.
11. ‘Don’t let one bad moment ruin your day’
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This one is so annoying to hear, and often makes kids mad at their mom, but it's important. It's easy to let one bad moment ruin your day, and moms know it better than anyone. To a kid, this might feel like their emotions are being silenced, but it's actually the opposite. The bad moment is real, but your day deserves to be good anyway.
When a mom says this, it might not make her the most liked person in the moment, but if she can accompany it with a self-calming tool, like box breaths or even just urging the kid to take a walk or pause, it's a highly effective tool that can calm their nerves and change their mindset.
They can't rewind time and make a different decision, but they have the rest of the day to turn their frown upside down, effectively making the day much better.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
