Kids Raised By Emotionally Immature Parents Develop 6 Invisible Defense Mechanisms As Adults
Prostock-studio / ShutterstockWhile every family is different, most parents and children have pretty clearly defined roles that they’re meant to play in any given household. Emotionally immature parents basically try to reverse those roles because they don’t know how to regulate their own feelings.
That behavior affects their children's development so much that they sometimes can’t just move on after they move out. They often turn to defense mechanisms as a way to cope with the lack of structure and guidance they experienced that are hard for them to ever unlearn.
People who were raised by emotionally immature parents tend to develop these invisible defense mechanisms without even realizing it
1. Pretending they’re fine when they’re not
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Kids don’t automatically share their feelings with just anyone. They have to feel comfortable doing that in the environment their parents create. Pediatric clinical psychologist Megan Jeffreys, PhD, called this an emotional safe space. She explained, “Safe spaces mean a child can come to a parent or guardian when they’re confused about something or have made a mistake and have confidence they will get the support they need.”
When kids grow up without that sense of safety, it’s hard for them to find it later in life, too. They’re more likely to suppress their emotions because they got used to thinking vulnerability causes problems.
2. Holding themselves to impossibly high standards
Emotionally immature parents aren’t likely to point out all the things their kids do right. They zero in on their shortcomings instead and make a much bigger deal out of them than necessary. That kind of behavior teaches children that they need to do whatever it takes to avoid messing up. This can send them down the path to perfectionism because they think anything less is too risky.
Obviously, no one can be perfect. A 2022 study found that trying to achieve that kind of unreachable goal can be incredibly damaging to your mental health. But these people can’t see the damage that their impossible expectations for themselves are doing because they want so badly to believe the possibility will keep them safe.
3. Blaming themselves for everything that goes wrong
According to psychology professor Ashley Maier, MSW, MPA, the average person tends to be harder on other people than they are on themselves because of something known as self-serving bias, where people overestimate their own role in the positive outcomes they experience and then overestimate the role of outside factors in their negative outcomes.
Unfortunately, kids whose parents don’t have much emotional maturity do the opposite. They think everything is their fault even when that doesn’t make any sense at all.
Part of emotional maturity is taking responsibility for your actions. Parents who can’t do that will point the finger at anyone else, including their children. It doesn’t take long for those kids to assume they really are to blame for everything bad that happens in their lives, because it’s what they heard all the time when they were growing.
4. Never getting too close to anyone who could potentially abandon them
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The relationship kids have with their parents creates the model for every relationship they have for the rest of their lives. If they couldn’t depend on their parents when they were little, why would they expect to be able to depend on anyone else once they're a full=grown adult?
Therapist Georgina Strumer explained just how deeply this affects people. “During those early years, if our caregivers are emotionally unavailable or unpredictable, then this can leave us feeling rejected,” she said.
Being rejected by the first people who were supposed to be there for them makes kids think it’s bound to happen again. They’ll keep everyone at arm’s length because it seems like it would hurt less when they leave if they weren’t super close.
5. Reading people’s emotions so they know what to expect
Just like anyone else who’s not very self-aware, emotionally immature parents tend to lose their temper at the worst times. Their kids basically train themselves to read their parents' emotions so they won’t make a bad situation even worse.
That can turn into a need to monitor everyone’s emotions to keep the peace. Therapist Emily Mashburn, LMHC, said this is an exhausting habit to keep up with, and one that usually harms relationships. It seems safe to be able to anticipate people’s moods and respond accordingly, but it’s really just a trap that keeps people running in circles to avoid getting hurt again.
6. Taking care of everyone else ahead of themselves, just like they had to take care of their parents
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No matter how old someone is, they can’t really be fully self-sufficient if they’re emotionally immature. When that's true of a parent, they and their children essentially switch roles through an unconscious process called parentification.
In a 2025 literature review, researchers concluded that children who have to become caregivers for their parents end up facing mental health challenges because of it, and sometimes physical ones as well. But if that’s what they’re used to, it's hard to stop.
As adults, they’ll keep being the supportive person that everyone can depend on, even though that’s one of the quickest ways to burn yourself out. The ironic thing is that they’ll never ask for the same kind of help they always offer because they expect themselves to be totally independent.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
