Kids Who Grew Up As The Fixer In Their Family Usually Have 7 Work Behaviors As Adults
AtlasStudio / ShutterstockWhen a child grows up feeling like they have to hold their family together, they tend to develop a skewed view of reality in which they are solely responsible for fixing anything and everything that goes wrong. That feeling is hard to let go of as they get older, which becomes especially obvious when they enter the workforce.
Control is likely to become a central theme of their life. They take on too many projects and work themselves to the bone for their company, just like they did for their parents. It’s a vicious cycle that takes a very different kind of hard work to remedy.
Kids who grew up as fixers for their family often carry these behaviors into the workplace when they grow up
1. They become easily burnt out
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Burnout is no joke. Working too hard can quickly drain our batteries. When people put everything into their work, it can be hard to step away when they start to feel overwhelmed. Research published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health shows that burnout happens when job stress is unmanaged and chronic, and can negatively affect work performance.
People who grew up in chaotic homes are likely to keep pushing through even when they are overwhelmed because they think it’s necessary to get things done. While someone like this might think they’re doing the right thing, they're often doing more harm than good. It’s common for kids who grew up in tense homes to walk away with some childhood trauma, which can also stifle someone’s ability in the workplace. Their nervous system reacts intensely to stress, so they are typically more susceptible to exhaustion.
2. They over-deliver on projects
Kids who were the family problem solver tend to feel overly responsible for just about everything. From a young age, they took control of situations and made sure they looked like every other family on the block, even if things were falling apart at home. This stays with them for the rest of their lives as they strive to keep up appearances even as they struggle inside.
This also tends to lead them to become overachievers at work. Therapist Annie Wright describes this phenomenon, saying, “Overachievement as a trauma response is the pattern in which exceptional performance is driven not by genuine ambition but by a nervous system trying to create safety in an environment that felt unpredictable or threatening in childhood.”
“The child who became exceptional learned that being extraordinary was the surest way to be loved, seen, or to avoid punishment," she continues. "In adulthood, that drive persists even when the original danger is long gone, because the body doesn’t update its threat equation through logic alone.”
3. They take on more than they can handle
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Most kids who grew up taking care of their family issues usually have people-pleasing tendencies once they grow up. They focus more on helping everyone else than they do on taking care of themselves.
This behavior isn't always intentional or even conscious. They learned young that they have to be the strong one and pick up the slack because no one else ever will. Once they get into the routine of putting themselves last, it’s hard to shake.
Kids who received praise from their parents for keeping them happy and maintaining order will assume their boss feels the same way. They end up biting off more than they can chew, taking on too many projects or volunteering for too many tasks when they are already swamped.
4. They feel uncomfortable asking anyone for help
Love can feel conditional for people who grew up in a stressful environment. One way they navigate through the pain is by taking control of everything themselves. They often felt like a burden as kids, so now they will do anything they can to avoid asking for help. They may question if they are worthy of help because no one ever offered it to them freely.
"Conditional love teaches children that they are only worthy and deserving of love if they behave in ways that please the parents, not just for being themselves. They learn that their true self is wrong, bad, and undeserving of love," explains Kaytee Gillis, LCSW.
Because of this, they will go above and beyond not to burden anyone at work out of fear that if they are too much trouble, they will be considered disposable there too.
5. They think the only way something will get done is if they do it themselves
Perfectionists are all around us, especially at work. Some people feel they will succeed if they handle everything themselves. If they have a project to do with their team, they might take control and handle it all from start to finish. This can happen because someone has trust issues, or because they used to take on this role at home and continue to do so at work. Childhood dynamics can lead adults down this path.
Kids who grew up picking up the pieces for their family might have felt shame. Shame can make your nervous system react differently than it might otherwise. At work, these people rarely think things will be done properly unless they do it themselves. If they don’t, they’re worried someone will drop the ball and it will be their fault.
6. They try to keep peace in the office
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Kids who had to fix things for their parents often took the lead in their family. They kept everyone in check and maintained the peace. As adults, they keep the same mindset. This type of person feels responsible for keeping everyone at the office happy. While this isn’t true, people who are deep in the fixer mindset disagree.
Fixing problems at work keeps you stuck. Instead of taking time for themselves, they’re caught up in office politics. They want to make sure everyone is happy, just like they did as kids. Moving up in the company isn’t as easy when someone’s main role is the unofficial peace officer.
7. They feel guilty when they clock out
Whether they mean to or not, some parents emotionally neglect their kids. This can be said for the family fixer who was carrying the weight of the household at a young age. Instead of enjoying their childhood, they felt responsible for everyone else’s happiness. Sometimes, this feeling sticks with a person for life. They may have felt guilty when they weren’t there for their family, and eventually, it bled into their work-life balance.
“People who feel guilty the most are usually the people who have the least reason to feel guilty. The emotionally neglected tend to question themselves and care greatly about others, many times to a fault,” notes Jonice Webb, Ph.D. “They’re overly concerned about others and want to do ‘the right thing’, sometimes trapping them in their guilty feelings.”
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
