Undercover Narcissists Often Use 11 Phrases To Make You Think You’re The Problem

For the last several years, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has been a hot topic. It seems that everywhere you look, there is someone who has, at the very least, narcissistic traits. People who exhibit those characteristics often use manipulation and control to keep their targets in check. They employ specific tactics to shift blame and create a narrative that works for them.

One of the ways they do this is by using particular phrases that make their victims, usually a romantic partner, believe they are the problem. The strategy is not always immediately apparent. Narcissists subtly work these phrases into conversations without you even noticing. Over time, they can seriously damage your self-esteem.

Undercover narcissists often use these sneaky phrases to gaslight you:

1. 'You're too sensitive'

woman being told by man you're too sensitive Titova Ilona | Canva

If you've ever poured out your heart in an effort to share with a narcissist how their actions made you feel and were met with, "You're too sensitive," you know how dismissive it can feel. The phrase is intended to minimize your feelings and invalidate your emotional response. The goal is to make you feel irrational and keep you from expressing yourself in the future.

Instead of empathizing, the narcissist in your life wants to make you feel as if your reactions are the problem, not their problematic behavior. Over time, you start to lower your standards, letting them get away with insulting you, being disrespectful, or worse. It's a slippery slope and very easy to slide down the rabbit hole of emotional abuse.

2. 'You're overreacting'

man telling woman you're overreaching Kiera Burton | Pexels

This accusation will make you look at yourself in the mirror and wonder if you are being unreasonable. Perhaps it's not as big a deal as you think. It usually is, but because you don't recognize it as a tactic to make you ignore the harm they've done, you start to mute yourself for fear of overreacting again.

Narcissists love to downplay your real concerns so you allow them to get away with unimaginable things. They will have you second-guessing reality in favor of their delusions. Next time they do something that might have been a dealbreaker for you, you will stay quiet to avoid being seen as unstable.

3. 'You're being dramatic'

woman telling her friend you're being dramatic princigalli | Getty Images

Who wants to be known as a drama queen? No one. The narcissist wants you to stay silent in the face of disregard and disrespect. A human reaction will have you labeled as overly dramatic and subconsciously push you to calm down and let them walk all over you. The goal is to make you question your perception.

Shaming your emotional expression is a key part of the narcissistic handbook. They ridicule you for having any feelings that aren't worship of them. As the relationship progresses, you start to feel guilty for standing up for yourself and eventually believe that you are the problem and the reason for the toxicity.

4. 'I never said that'

woman shrugging saying i never said that Timur Weber | Pexels

One of the most infuriating things a narcissist does is tell you something you never would have otherwise known in great detail, then deny it ever happened if you bring it up at a later time. This gaslighting technique might have you wondering if your memory is faulty. Once again, you start to question your reality, even though you know deep down inside that you heard what you heard.

A narcissist will seemingly pour out their heart during the love-bombing phase. They will tell you all the terrible things their last partner, or supply, did, hoping you will do your best to be a better match. Later, they will use that same person to triangulate you and make you jealous. They will flat-out deny the negative things they previously said, leaving you confused and reeling.

5. 'You always twist everything'

woman telling man you always twist everything RDNE Stock Project | Pexels

This phrase is a masterclass for narcissists in pointing the finger back at you and making you think you are the problem. It projects their behavior onto you so they avoid responsibility. Instead of taking accountability and apologizing, they avoid blame and make you feel like you are making things up in your head.

This manipulation of facts and deflection of responsibility brings to mind the phrase, "Don't believe your lying eyes." It makes you doubt what you saw or heard or how you interpreted it. A narcissist will be caught red-handed in a compromising position and tell you that you have twisted the situation. It's a vicious cycle.

6. 'If you weren't so difficult, I wouldn't act this way'

woman being told if you weren't so difficult i wouldn't act this way pixelshot | Canva

Imagine doing someone dirty, having them try to hold you accountable, and blaming them for your continued bad behavior because they're confronting you. Unless you are a narcissist, that sounds ridiculous. But it is the norm when dealing with one. They tend to blame their bad behavior on you.

This puts you in a position where you believe your mistreatment is your own fault. You start to believe that if you were just more easygoing and laid back, they would stop abusing you. They won't. When you take a step back and try harder to cater to their unfulfillable needs, you will find that the abuse escalates because they no longer have to worry about you calling them to the carpet.

7. 'You're the only person who has a problem with me'

man telling woman you're the only person who has a problem with me Halfpoint | Canva

I cannot count the number of times I heard this from my ex, who was never diagnosed as narcissistic to my knowledge, but all the signs pointed to him being one. It's easy to conclude that you are being irrational. This statement isolates you, making you feel like you are on an island and no one else sees things the way you do.

Don't be fooled by this obvious attempt to make you feel alone and give you the impression that they are innocent and widely respected. Of course, no one else is confronting them like you are. They wear a mask of charisma and charm for the masses and save their most toxic traits for behind closed doors. No one else is being treated like you, so why would they have a problem with the narcissist?

8. 'Everyone else thinks you're the problem'

woman telling man everyone else thinks you're the problem Budgeron Bach | Pexels

If there is one thing I learned from living with a person who had very narcissistic tendencies, it's that their people will never be your people. No matter how much your partner's mother, father, siblings, and friends seem to love you, they will always side with the narcissist even when they are dead wrong. These people are flying monkeys, preconditioned to excuse bad behavior.

From the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist has started a smear campaign against you, pouring on the love, while talking negatively about you behind your back. They do this because they know that a discard is inevitable, and they want to make sure they come out of the relationship smelling like a rose. A true narcissist might even exaggerate external opinions to make you feel unsupported and disliked.

9. 'I'm only trying to help you'

man being told by woman i'm only trying to help you pixelshot | Canva

Narcissists like to give off an air of indifference. They want to control your every action, but they don't want you to know it. So, instead, they mask their need to dominate your life as care or concern. They can criticize your every move in the most hurtful way, then frame it as constructive.

This is an easy way to undermine your confidence. The more a narcissist does it, the less sure of yourself you become. You start to question your decisions and rely on their advice, no matter how harmful it is. Victims of narcissists find themselves walking on eggshells to avoid judgment and to keep the narcissist happy, not knowing they are a bottomless pit that can never be satisfied.

10. 'You bring out the worst in me'

man telling woman you bring out the worst in me Egoitz Bengoetxea Iguaran | Getty Images

This phrase is especially deceitful. The narcissist wants you to believe that they were perfectly normal and healthy before you came into their lives. But something about you pushed them over the edge and turned them into the toxic ball of chaos you see today. I can assure you they were this way long before you were even a thought in their mind.

This is an attempt to make you responsible for their dysfunction. Instead of being self-aware and taking accountability for their actions, they claim you trigger their bad behavior. If they can successfully get you to believe this fallacy, you become the problem in your own mind.

11. 'You're lucky I put up with you'

man telling woman you're lucky i put up with you Alex Green | Pexels

Narcissists are experts at making you believe they are the prize and that you should feel blessed to have their presence. They put themselves on an undeserved pedestal while devaluing you, and if you internalize that, you will find yourself always trying to prove you are worthy of their attention and affection.

They want you to think that you are unworthy or that you have to work for their love because you are not valuable enough for them to give it freely. This dynamic creates a fear of abandonment and a desire to stay compliant. If you start to notice any of these phrases in a relationship, view them as huge red flags and run as far away as you can.

NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She writes lifestyle and human-interest stories that offer informative, actionable guidance on relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.

Undercover Narcissists Often Use 11 Sneaky Phrases To Make You Think You’re The Problem