Men In Their 20s & 30s Mostly Talk About These 6 Things In Therapy, Says A Therapist
isaac macdonald | UnsplashGoing to therapy has become much less stigmatized in recent years. However, gender stereotypes about emotions and vulnerability being emasculating still prevail, and women are much more likely to seek mental health treatment than men are.
That doesn’t mean that men completely avoid therapy, though. Plenty recognize it as a helpful tool for working through mental health challenges and preventing new ones from popping up. Alivia Hall, a NYC-based therapist, treats her fair share of men. She shared some universal themes she has picked up about what men in their 20s and 30s worry about in a TikTok video.
Men in their 20s and 30s mostly talk about these 6 things in therapy:
1. The heavy weight of responsibility
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Anyone in their 20s and 30s is going to feel like life is getting more serious, and the men Hall works with are no different. She said that instead of feeling like their decisions could be easily changed, or are even “reversible,” they’re beginning to realize that life is more “permanent” than they’re used to.
When you’re a kid, making choices isn’t quite as big a deal because they don’t usually affect the big picture. This changes when you’re an adult, and it can turn into “decision fatigue.” Psychiatrist Dr. Lisa MacLean, MD, described this as “the idea that after making many decisions, your ability to make more decisions over the course of a day becomes worse.”
For men, having parents, teachers, and other trusted adults to support them and be the ones who hold ultimate responsibility is comforting, and stepping into that role themselves is hard, just as it would be for anyone.
2. Feeling like they don’t measure up
With how our society holds women to such a high standard, it would be easy to assume that they are the main victims of comparison culture. Men are feeling it deeply, too, though. Hall said the men she treats are “tracking who earns more, who owns more property, who feels more confident socially, or who seems more certain about what they’re doing with their life.”
This fits into social comparison theory, which psychologist Leon Festinger developed in 1954. According to the theory, people are constantly comparing themselves to others and trying to decide who’s doing the best in life. This can lead people to want to do better, but it usually just makes them feel bad about themselves.
It’s interesting to note that some things that women might think they experience exclusively are actually common experiences for men as well.
3. Thinking emotions make them weak
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Data from the American Psychological Association shows that everything from social isolation to worries about the future of the U.S. is contributing to people feeling more stressed than ever before. It’s not surprising, then, that a lot of Hall’s clients are extremely stressed, regardless of gender.
Unfortunately, the men aren’t processing it very well. She said they don’t know how they can address it “without feeling weak, so it comes out as irritability or shutting down, overworking, or disappearing into routines instead.”
Women are traditionally considered more sensitive and emotional, but it’s not OK for men to feel this way. Outdated ideas like crying making someone look like less of a man are still pervasive in society. It’s not surprising that men struggle to accept their stress and deal with it in a healthy way when they’re never taught how to do so.
4. Changes in libido
It’s normal for a man’s libido to change over time as his hormone levels and general health change as well. Hall finds that this makes her clients pretty anxious, though. She said they will “quietly [wonder] if something’s wrong with you or wrong with your relationship.”
Experts say that not feeling as attracted to your partner could put a strain on your relationship, but it doesn’t mean there’s actually something wrong with the relationship. Additionally, feeling stressed or depressed can affect this, so if a man doesn’t know how to deal with those emotions, it could cause a snowball effect.
5. What it means to be an adult
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We all seem to grow up with the belief that we’ll have everything figured out when we reach adulthood, but reality is far more complicated. Hall said a lot of the men she works with have the misconception that they aren’t a “real adult.” She explained, “Life looks stable on paper, but inside it still feels like you’re improvising and hoping no one notices.”
Psychologist Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, said that this is a pretty common feeling, and society might be to blame. Typical adult milestones like having kids and buying your first home are happening later in life than they used to, which affects people’s perspective. Also, what you expect being an adult will be like when you’re a kid is usually nothing more than “an illusion.”
6. Unexpected relationship anxiety
Hall said the last major theme she has noticed with her male clients is a concern about romantic relationships. Often, these men are in a good relationship, but they worry it’s not perfect. “What if this isn’t right long-term?” she asked. “What if I’m supposed to feel more than this?”
Technically, there’s really no clear way for anyone to know if they’re in the right relationship with absolute certainty. Legendary marriage expert and psychologist Dr. John Gottman believes that there really is no such thing as a “soulmate,” and that “‘the one’ is the person you choose to build a life with, day after day.”
It would be nice if there were some way to know for sure if a relationship was right, but it’s just not possible. We all have to trust our instincts, as Hall helps her clients do.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
