5 Super Passive-Aggressive Phrases People Use When They're Trying To Seem Extremely Polite

If you live or work with someone who uses these seemingly polite phrases often, you may not realize that the sneaky anger of a person's passive-aggressive behavior is pushing you over the edge.

You think everything is fine and going smoothly. Then, with one sentence, that is turned upside down, and the emotional roller coaster begins again. It's all about little looks, off-hand comments, rolling eyes, and that “What do I say to that?” question that catches you off guard and makes you a little defensive.

Fake-polite people use these phrases that are actually really passive-aggressive:

1. 'Yes, I’ll do that'

seemingly polite man saying sure i'll do that insta_photos | Shutterstock

Passive-aggressive people want to keep you guessing so they are in control:

Did s/he mean it?
Was it intended to be malicious?
If I comment on it, will s/he tell me it was a joke?
If I say it hurt me, will s/he tell me I have thin skin?
Am I willing to risk saying how I feel?
Or, is that like walking into a web, like a fly beckoned by a spider?

Risky business! Right? You’ve been there if you know anything about what I’m talking about. You don’t know whether to speak up, or let it lie. Or be angry. Or go along with the supposed joke while you’re inwardly seething.

'Yes, I'll do that,' sounds like a great answer, right? The problem is that after saying it, nothing gets done. And when you ask why, s/he tells you that you had no right to ask for it to be done in the first place. Or, the far too habitual response, “I forgot.” (Infuriating, right?)

2. 'You ask too much'

seemingly polite woman saying you ask too much Business plus | Shutterstock

The person agrees to do something you’ve asked, but only puts in minimal, “token” effort. S/he knew exactly what you wanted, but gave you the barest minimum just to be able to say it got done. It’s a kind of Catch-22. Drives you up the wall, right?

3. 'I know you did what you could with what you had to work with'

professional woman saying i know you've done what you could with what you had to work with Voronaman | Shutterstock

Ouch! The ultimate backhanded, undermining comment is served up and could be taken in several ways. You’re sure s/he meant, “For your lack of skills, insights, and background, I couldn’t have expected anything more from you, you worm”; but s/he hedges their bet.

You’re darned if you do, darned if you don’t respond. If you respond with incredulity: “Are you saying I don’t know what I’m doing?” you’ll be met with “I never said anything of the sort. Are you insecure about your abilities?” Wham!

If you respond with “Yes, there was very little background and few facts to work with,” you hear: “Well, I was counting on you to take it and run with it, and that didn’t really happen, did it?” Argh!

4. 'Oh, I thought you were in the loop'

seemingly polite man saying oh i thought you were in the loop Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock

Fraught with potential minefields! If you ask for further information, you demonstrate you’re not “In the loop” and affirm that you are not part of the inside group or have been purposefully left out.

Passive-aggressive people want to rip off your arm and hit you with the wet end while making it your fault. Does that sound familiar? That’s what’s happening here. The best thing is to ignore the remark. It’s a no-win situation best left alone for now.

5. 'I was only joking'

seemingly polite woman saying i was only joking Maya Lab | Shutterstock

You don’t know what to believe. You feel hurt. Yet s/he has just dismissed the possibility that you were meant to be hurt. If you take it as a joke, you accept the put-down, and s/he gets away with it. The ultimate “gotcha!”

This is usually what you hear after someone tosses a sarcastic remark your way. Again, this is sneaky anger. Passive-aggressive people often use it in groups. They feel insulated by the group, betting you won't show your insecurities or healthy anger by speaking up.

If this sounds all too familiar, know that you’ve been rightly picking up the underlying negative intent. It’s common to want to give people the benefit of the doubt, though, which is a good idea in most cases. However, if you repeatedly experience this pattern with the same person, start thinking in terms of passive-aggressive behavior.

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, has spent the past 30 years helping couples navigate challenging relationships.

People Who Seem Extremely Polite Often Use 5 Phrases That Are Actually Super Passive-Aggressive