People Who Always Feel Like No One Likes Them Usually Learned 6 Lessons As Kids
ludikniss | ShutterstockKids need to feel seen, heard, and valued.
When they don't, they can grow up believing they don't really matter. The concept of mattering is being studied by childhood psychologists, and according to a paper from the Center on the Developing Child, it can begin as early as infancy. Young children who feel validated are more likely to build resilience, motivation, and the ability to handle stress. But when kids don't feel like they matter, those feelings can follow them into adulthood, leaving them feeling lonely, unwanted, or like no one likes them.
People who always feel like no one likes them usually learned 6 hard lessons while growing up:
1. No one was really listening to them
According to the researchers, there are five building blocks for making kids feel like they matter. Those blocks are recognition, attunement, reliance, importance, and ego extension. When kids speak up and no one listens, they learn at a very young age that no one is listening. This is part of building recognition in children. Children who were not recognized may grow up to be adults who stay quiet just to keep the peace. They learned from a young age that their needs would be brushed off and that speaking up might make them feel like a burden.
2. Their feelings weren't a big deal
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Adults may feel lonely when they believe their emotions are too much to handle, but that lesson often starts in childhood. Children need to feel like their feelings are valid. Part of this is created by adults who listen to children. If not a parent, then a caregiver or teacher should tune in to a child's feelings. Sometimes this is hard as adults because we don't understand what children are upset about, but it is important to try.
3. No one really needed them
Reliance is part of mattering, according to psychologists Lindsey C. Burghardt and Jennifer B. Wallace. It teaches kids that they are needed and their work is important. This is why small chores are so important for children: they show them that they are needed and build their confidence. Lonely adults tend to feel they are not needed, whether in their interpersonal relationships or at work.
4. No one noticed their effort
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Adults who feel lonely often feel they never get any praise. It's important for people to receive praise for their work, either from family, friends, or bosses. This can relate back to childhood experiences. Kids should be receiving praise from their caretakers and teachers. If they don't, they grow up believing that their work goes unnoticed and isn't worth praise. This also affects the way adults talk to themselves. Being valued leads to more self-compassion in adults, which in turn leads to a more positive lifestyle, according to Burghardt and Wallace.
5. Taking risks wasn't worth it
It is important as adults to learn the lesson of risk-taking. Positive risks can lead to a more positive life. For example, striking up a conversation with a coworker that could lead to a friendship is a risk some people are not willing to take. This can be due to childhood. Wallace and Burghardt state that when young children feel that they matter, it builds self-confidence and emotional maturity, allowing them to take more risks. This allows adults to make more friends.
6. Speaking up wouldn't really change anything
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People who feel lonely may believe there is no point in speaking up because their ideas won't matter. This can stem from a childhood lesson that what they have to offer will be ignored.
"Serve-and-return" is a term used to describe when an infant or child does something, like crying, babbling, or gesturing, and a caregiver responds with comfort, attention, words, or touch. When children don't receive this, they learn that whatever they do does not matter, and it shows up in their adult lives as well.
Sophie Bagheri is a writer with a bachelor's degree in English and theatre who covers lifestyle topics.
