People Who Are Genuinely Sorry And Can Take Accountability Usually Say 3 Rare Phrases
Erika Richard | ShutterstockHave you done something to hurt someone? Intentionally or unintentionally. Either way, are they hurt? Do you want to say "I’m sorry" and save your relationship? Have you been trying to apologize, get them to see things from your perspective, and help them understand your intentions, all to no avail?
Hope is not lost. There are three genuine ways to apologize that can help you save your relationship. Before we begin, you must understand what you're apologizing for.
People who are genuinely sorry usually say these rare phrases:
1. 'I'm sorry that I hurt you'
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This is the perfect first line of any apology. You acknowledge that you caused someone pain. They know you know you hurt them, and by stating it clearly, you can immediately deflate your loved one’s anger.
The most important part of this sentence is that it ends after the "you" and it doesn’t continue with a "but". Explaining why you were late and why you aren’t at fault will completely invalidate the first part of the sentence. Completely.
Again, what you are apologizing for is hurting someone. How you did so is irrelevant in this first part of the apology. So accept it and apologize for the hurt you have caused.
A sincere apology validates the offended person's feelings and acknowledges how the actions affected their emotions and well-being. An article from Michigan State University explains that this validation is crucial for the person to feel understood and heard, and it can help them move toward healing.
2. 'How can I prevent this from happening again?'
This is very important because it allows the person you hurt to take some ownership of how to prevent it from happening again. In the case of my client, after he calmed down when he realized that she knew how much he had hurt her, he thought about what could be done differently in the future to prevent her from causing him pain.
He suggested that next time she knew she would be late, she should call him so he could change their reservations. He would also know she knew she was late and that she was sensitive about it.
Armed with this knowledge, my client's partner had the tools she needed to stop herself from hurting him in the future when she was going to be late. It was up to her to know when to use those tools and to do so.
3. 'What can I do to make it up to you?'
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This one is fun. Make amends. So my client’s partner had acknowledged that she had hurt him and did not try to justify her behavior. Now, she wanted to know what she could do to make it up to him.
Once again, my client, the hurt party, held the power. Not a dominating sort of control, but control over how the situation could play out. With this kind of control, my client could express what he needed to move past this hurt.
His partner didn’t have to guess, which is good because people don't always guess well. My client suggested he go out for a quick beer with his friends and that they all meet for breakfast in the morning. He just wanted some time with his friends, but he also wanted them to meet her. This plan met both needs. And he was happy.
This approach shows a willingness to take responsibility and actively repair the harm, both key components of a sincere apology that can lead to greater forgiveness and relationship repair. Research also found that it can help avoid situations where an apology is accepted too quickly, before the aggrieved person has had a chance to fully process their emotions and the impact of the transgression.
Do you see now how the three ways to say ‘I’m sorry’ will save your relationship? How does recognizing that you hurt someone, and making amends, make it happen?
Again, the key to a great apology is recognizing that you are apologizing for the hurt you caused, not the behavior that caused it. You hurt someone, and that is what you need to apologize for, no matter how much you believe that it couldn’t have been avoided or that you weren’t at fault.
So go ahead. Apologize. Mean it. Move forward together in a meaningful way. It just might change your life. Try it. You will see.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals striving to heal toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
