People Who Are Emotionally Tough But Kind-Hearted Usually Say 4 Phrases In Casual Conversation
mimagephotography | ShutterstockAs a certified mediator, I spend hours a day peacemaking for couples, families, and companies. However, as a life coach, I teach people the casual phrases that the most emotionally tough but kind-hearted people say regularly that create peace so they can avoid arguments and mediation.
Most stress occurs at home, where people are living cheek to jowl, trying to have peace and privacy and desperate for everyone else to be quiet, mind their business, and get along, but it rarely happens in most homes.
There are a few casual phrases you can learn and live a peaceful life so your partner, family, and others cooperate and you never need a third party to settle conflicts. Empathy is the primary tool you need at home and the office to avoid almost every argument and disagreement for the rest of your life.
Emotionally tough but kind people usually say these phrases casually:
1. 'Would you be willing to...?'
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This casual phrase can save any relationship and is often said by folks who are emotionally tough but still kind. Research from Cambridge University supports the idea that intra-family feuds are created by egos and confusion about who is the boss. In a family, there isn’t a boss; there are family members who care about each other.
Instead of telling children or a spouse what to do, “Would you be willing to...?” works far better.
- “Would you be willing to take out the garbage? It would mean a lot to me.” If your family member does what you ask, be sure to say, “Thank you.”
- “Would you be willing to do your housework now so we can watch a movie later this evening?”
Again, this is not a demand; it is not an order. If your family member says, “No,” you need to let it go because being a parent or a spouse doesn’t make you the boss!
Instead of asking a young person a direct question such as “Do you have homework?” as that can provide an opportunity for an excuse or even a lie, you can say,
- “Since you probably have a lot of homework, would you be willing to start it before dinner so we might have time for a game afterward?”
Whether it’s shooting hoops, playing Monopoly, or anything else, you teach a young person how to plan and schedule their work and fun when you communicate in this way.
2. 'I understand why you feel that way...'
When someone is angry, and you offer empathy, you will notice the anger in the listener’s words and tone diminishes as you use empathetic verbiage in a calm, emotionally neutral tone.
For example, in a conversation with a frustrated boss, you can recognize how they're feeling but get the clarity you need to follow through:
Boss: (grumble grumble) Didn’t you finish the project report yet? I told you I needed to have it on my desk by this morning.”
You: "I can see there’s something additional you need me to do; can you clarify it for me?”
Here's another example, where your boss is angry, but you didn't actually do anything wrong. In this case, you don't want to start with a defense of yourself, but rather lead with kindness and empathy:
Boss: “Weren’t you supposed to be here at 8 a.m. for inventory?”
You: “I can understand why you’re annoyed; it seems I was sent the wrong email, which asked me to be here early tomorrow.”
Boss: “Can I see the email, please?”
You: *Shows boss the email*
Your boss is already calmer because you stayed calm and didn’t become defensive. You remained emotionally tough but kind-hearted at the same time.
3. 'I'm sorry, you're right..."
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If you make a mistake, as everyone does, it’s much faster to admit it and fix the problem than to deny it and start an argument.
Spouse/Partner: “How many times have I asked you not to please put the dishes in the dishwasher, not the sink?”
You: “You’re right, I'm so sorry. I’m putting my dirty dishes right in the dishwasher after rinsing them in the sink. I agree that we don’t want a dirty, clogged sink."
In this next example, where you are actually running later than your partner, it's better not to get angry that your partner is angry or impatient, but rather just let the reality of your timing exist. You don't need to defend.
Spouse/Partner: “Aren’t you ready yet? Do I have to wait for you again?”
You: “I’m ready, honey, and I’m kissing the baby goodnight, be out in a sec.” or “Ready, honey, I hope you love my outfit!”
It helps if you commit yourself to be ready at the same time as your partner, so you might say in a kind-hearted way:
“You’re right, babe, I’m ready because I’ve committed myself to start getting ready 10 minutes earlier than you because I need more time, and I know life will be easier for both of us when we’re ready to leave at the same time.”
4. 'I get it..."
Dealing with the most complicated people is a significant challenge. The person who is the most stubborn or bull-headed might say, “Stop telling me what to do!” You can ignore this because the conversation won’t successfully proceed if you deny it, argue, etc. However, if this is repeated, you’ll need to respond.
Them: “I said I’ll stop when I want to! Stop bugging me,” etc., etc.
You: “Yes, I know I like to decompress at the end of the day, but I also need help with the kids when you come home from work.”
Them: “I sure do, and no one is going to tell me what to do!”
After a few rounds of this back-and-forth, you will hopefully notice the level of anger has diminished if you use this kind-but-emotionally-tough verbiage and a calm, emotionally neutral tone of voice.
You: “Yes, you need peace, I get it.”
You may be amazed to learn this is the first step to motivating someone to change their behavior. Instead of pushing back and arguing, empathize with how they feel so they know you are listening.
Research demonstrates how empathy works to motivate and inspire people to cooperate. No matter what challenge you may have with the people in your life, whether it’s caused by their mood, your actions, or any other reason, the key is your commitment to peace and your ability to maintain emotional toughness while also staying kind-hearted.
Of course, if someone is mistreating you or being cruel, you have every right to leave; that can also be a peaceful solution to the problem. But if you are committed to continue communicating, using these casual phrases can help keep the intensity level to a minimum. When you commit to peace, you calm yourself before you react with anger.
Susan Allan is a life coach whose Evolution Revolution Trainings offer proven tools to experience joy and happiness and let go of suffering.
