If You Grew Up With Funny Grandparents, You Probably Heard These 9 Old-Fashioned Swear Words All The Time
DimaBerkut | CanvaThis language of ours is always changing. At one point, if you really liked someone's eyebrows, you'd say they were "neato"; now you'd say 'those eyebrows ate." How delightful is that?
Sure, it's troublesome when benign words come to mean something else entirely or develop a connotation in which they may get a time-traveler punched in the face, but for the most part, language's constant evolution is one of humanity's more fascinating features.
But as fantastic and specific as modern English words are — locked in and crashed out are two of our current faves — there's something pretty wonderful about slipping in some olde-timey jargon your grandparents probably used, particularly when it comes to swearing.
If you had funny grandparents, these old-fashioned swear words were probably said a lot:
1. Consarn (it)
If you're a fan of The Simpsons, you may recognize this from an episode where Marge scolded Bart not to swear like a prospector. The word "consarn" is likely a shortened mispronunciation of "consternation," a word indicating vexation.
"Consarn it, Phillip, how many times do I have to ask you to put your plates in the darn dishwasher?"
2. Crackpot
Think Doc Brown from Back To The Future. Rather, think about the public perception of Doc Brown. He's a wild-haired mad scientist type whose ideas are so crazy that they just might work ... or get us all killed.
"What kind of crackpot would come up with a 90-day rule?"
3. Flapdoodle (also see horse feathers, poppycock, flim flam)
Bull. You're being lied to, and everyone knows it.
"I don't believe a word of his political speech; it's all just political flapdoodle."
4. Dadgummit (also see tarnation)
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A polite way of saying the formal curse word that starts with God. "If you're a fan of southern college football, you've probably had your fair share of dadgummit. If you're going to throw down your visor after your team blows a 20-point lead, this is the word for you.
"Dadgummit, Vince, you promised you wouldn't forget my birthday again."
5. Inexpressibles
Pants. Not underpants — those are "unmentionables." But once upon a time, a person's lower limbs were so verboten that the material covering them wasn't to be discussed.
"Among the socks and shirts hanging on the clothesline were a few inexpressibles that everyone politely pretended not to notice."
6. Lickspittle
A sycophant. While ingratiation is an art, no one likes a teacher's pet. You may have to brown-nose in life, but you surely don't have to lick any spittle.
"Phillip is such a lickspittle; he told his wife she was prettier than Gisele Bundchen."
7. Jackanapes
Braggart. In Shakespeare's time (or writing), being conceited wasn't a bad thing unless you crossed an unseen line into what we'd call today "extra." A jackanapes is likely not only proud of himself but proud beyond his accomplishments.
"That jackanapes boyfriend of yours said you guys hooked up on your first date. Is this accurate?"
8. Churl (also see coistril, varlet, nithing)
Coward. Cowardice must have been a fairly common topic in the age of Shakespeare (fine, the Elizabethan age) for there to be many words to describe a practitioner of it.
"Those churls are too chicken to wear white pants, even after Memorial Day."
9. Fustilarian
Stinky person. Again, in Shakespeare's time, there was less in the way of masking our natural odor, and if you produced a strong musk, you were stuck with this appellation.
"I really like Ethan, but that fustilarian always wants to fool around after he's been to the gym but before he's taken a shower."
Tom Miller is a writer and performer based in Los Angeles. He's been a mechanical engineer, a banker, and now the general manager and coordinating video producer at YourTango.
