6 Ways Men Handle Big Feelings That Often Leave Women Completely Confused
ron lach | PexelsMen and women do not always handle big feelings the same way.
All individuals are unique, of course, and there are plenty of similarities between men and women. But there are also common differences in how men handle big feelings, ask for connection, take space, and communicate what they need. In relationships, this can leave women feeling completely confused, especially when a man wants to feel needed, appreciated, and trusted, or to be left alone for a little while. Instead of assuming your partner wants the same kind of support you do, it can help to understand what he may be trying to say through his behavior.
Here are 6 ways men handle big feelings that women don't always understand:
1. They try to feel useful instead of talking about what they feel
For thousands of years, many men were expected to hunt, protect their families, handle danger, and respond to emergencies. In those days, it was easy for women to appreciate men.
Today, women can have jobs and earn a good income, society has police and a general sense of safety, and they can even hire a handyman. Women are more independent than ever, which is a good thing. But some men may still struggle with feeling like they no longer have a clear role.
2. They long to be appreciated, respected, and reassured
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Deep down, many men want to know that what they do has a positive impact on the woman they love. A man needs to feel that what he does has meaning and purpose. So how can a woman help a man in her life in this area?
Showing and expressing appreciation for the little and big things a man does will go a long way toward making him feel fulfilled and loved in a relationship. You can tell him you appreciate how hard he works, or that you appreciate him taking care of something around the house.
Appreciation fulfills a man's sense of meaning and purpose. When a man knows his efforts are appreciated, he's naturally encouraged to do more.
3. They need to feel trusted before they open up
He wants you to see him as capable and dependable. A woman can help by expressing confidence in him and letting him know she believes he wants the best for her. Criticism drains a man of feeling trusted. If he makes a mistake, for example, like forgetting to buy milk, let him off the hook.
4. They pull away to calm themselves down
Perhaps this alone time means reading a newspaper, watching sports, or playing video games. Men reduce stress by forgetting about their problems for a while. It's sort of a mini-vacation. We all know how taking a vacation helps us forget our everyday problems.
Interestingly, women reduce their stress by talking about their problems. So women need to understand that men need to reduce stress differently.
Don't take it personally when your man is in his cave. Remember, it's his way to reduce stress. Do not chase after him or pressure him to talk before he is ready. Offering patience and support may make it easier for him to come back and reconnect.
With this support and understanding, a man will return and be more emotionally available, caring, and loving.
5. They move between closeness and distance
This cycle is like a very hungry man eating a large meal, feeling very satisfied, then not focusing on food until he's hungry again.
Think of a man's need for emotional closeness in this way. A man also has a strong need for goal-oriented independence. His independence and emotional isolation fuel his desire and attraction to the woman.
After some time alone, he may come back feeling more connected again.
6. They shut down in a way that can make women feel abandoned
A woman's primary emotional needs are caring, understanding, and respect. A woman may need to clearly explain her emotional needs in a positive way so she feels cared for and treated like a priority. It's time spent together that's often most important to a woman.
But most women and men aren't clear about what they need and don't realize that their primary needs differ; this lack of communication and awareness can cause emotional resentment.
Women often feel that they're giving and giving and giving, and aren't getting enough back. They ask, "So why should I meet his needs?" Men often feel, "I'm doing so much for her, and all she does is complain." Men can then give up, believing that nothing makes her happy.
It truly is difficult to understand and accept our partner's different set of emotional needs. Men and women alike need education on these differences to help their relationships.
Men and women both desire to satisfy their partners, but when they miss the mark due to their differences, they often end up feeling frustrated and stuck in resentment.
So if a couple is feeling stuck, and a woman is feeling emotionally abandoned, read or listen to couples self-help books together. If they still feel stuck, speaking with a couples counselor can help.
Richard Drobnik, LCSW, DCSW, is the Director at Mars & Venus Counseling Center in Teaneck, NJ.
