10 Things Couples Only Learn About Each Other After They’ve Survived A Truly Terrible Year
Matt LaVigne / ShutterstockWe often fear the rough patches and moments of disconnection in relationships, but what if tough times are actually the key to growing closer? There are plenty of couples who brag about always being on the same page and never fighting, but sometimes longevity comes from knowing that you can survive hard times together.
There are certain things couples only learn about each other after they’ve made it through a truly terrible year or a rough patch that felt endless. Adversity breeds resilience because once the storm has passed, you can more clearly see how well you work together as a team and what each of you both has that's special to offer.
Couples only learn these specific things about each other after surviving an exceptionally bad year together
1. How they each need to be supported
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Much like love languages, everyone has their own unique preferences for receiving help and support from others. We also communicate those needs differently. At the beginning of a relationship, you’re still figuring out how to express your love and communicate in the most basic ways, but it’s these rough patches that reveal everyone’s true colors.
One person might need constant verbal affirmations when dealing with a complex situation, while the other may just need some quiet time to themselves. Once you identify those needs and provide them for each other, your relationship begins to thrive on a whole new level.
2. How they react to fear
Some people flee when they're afraid. Others fawn or fight. You might also freeze when things get scary. When you’re in a relationship, these stress responses tend to show themselves in uncertain, strange ways neither of you may have been expecting.
A rough patch teaches you not only how you and your partner respond to fear, but also how you can best manage it as a team. When left with no choice, the best couples figure out how to cope and meet the other person where they are, even under the worst of circumstances.
3. What’s worth fighting about
In a relationship, compromise sometimes means setting aside a desire to meet your partner’s needs. It can also mean figuring out what’s worth letting go of and what requires hard conversations.
At the beginning of a relationship, it can feel easy to fawn over someone and give away so much of yourself to keep a partner happy. But when life really happens and things start to hit the fan, compromise doesn’t get any easier. You learn what’s worth advocating for and what’s better to let lie in order to give the relationship a chance to survive.
4. What safety looks like
Comfort and safety are paramount in a relationship, along with communication and trust. But what that sense of safety looks like is different for everyone.
When you go through a rough patch or a really terrible year, you start to learn what safety means specifically to you and to your partner. You figure out what you each need in order to feel secure, even when everything seems ready to crumble on you both in a split second.
Some people need more closeness in order to feel safe, while some need to know they can take as much space as possible and have that be OK. Being able to accept those differences and give your partner what they need is the basis for building a truly secure-functioning relationship.
5. Their resilience and strength
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We have to go through adversity and challenges to grow as humans. Every time we go through something difficult and come out on the other side, we’re stronger, with more knowledge and resilience gained on our side.
However, when trouble lasts so long that it feels potentially endless, it seriously tests the best of us. Some people break down and leave each other. Some decide that the relationship isn’t worth all the pain their situation has caused.
Couples who make it through the worst experiences together have a sense of pride in knowing they each have what it takes to handle tough times, because, hey, they already did.
6. How much they trust each other
Trusting someone without any real potential consequence or commitment is easy. It’s easy to say “I trust you” when there’s nothing at stake. However, when you're going through something exceptionally difficult, like serious financial troubles or serious illness, and aren’t certain of what the future will bring, being willing to trust someone takes on a whole new meaning.
When you’re not in a stable place, you don’t know exactly how they feel, and things feel shaky. These situations test trust, but every time a partner shows up, despite it all, they’re rebuilding that trust on an even stronger level.
7. How they work as a team
The best couples, who practice the kind of conflict resolution that actually protects their well-being, work together to resolve their problems. They face the issue as a team rather than as adversaries.
When you’re having a rough time, it’s easy to get defensive or avoidant and start working against each other. It may seem easier to protect only yourself as you're trying to find a way to cope with the situation, even if that's at the expense of your relationship. However, the couples who come out on the other side of these struggles better off for it have learned how to deal with things in a way that works for them both.
8. How to forgive and truly let go
Letting go and forgiving people, even when we don’t agree, is key to our well-being. If we hold onto grudges, we’re holding onto resentment, and that ends up tearing apart what were once healthy relationships and romantic bonds.
When you’re going through a terrible year, you have to learn how to forgive your partner for their missteps and let some things go. Holding onto your anger as justification for your pain feels comfortable sometimes, but learning to move forward is essential if you want the relationship to work in the long run.
9. How to communicate with them under pressure
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Especially when you’re disconnected and angry, communication can sometimes cause more division in relationships than good. It’s easy to get defensive and call the other person names when you’re hurt, but in the long run, doing that won't help your relationship or either of you.
In these moments of stress and chaos, couples have to make a decision. Is it better to keep jabbing each other and using communication as a weapon? Or is it better to lean into the more uncomfortable, hard conversations that require personal work and self-awareness? Sometimes, it’s a subconscious agreement, but the couples who figure it out almost always make it.
10. What love really means
Despite what social media and movies tell us, love looks different for everyone. When you’re in the honeymoon phase, it’s easy to lean into stereotypical views of love and to let misunderstandings roll off your back, but in these moments of disconnection, learning how to give and receive love is essential.
Unfortunately, it’s usually not until these moments that partners take the time to ask questions like “How can I be better for you?” and “What do you need right now?” It’s hard and uncomfortable, but when they come out the other side together, they can be much better partners.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
