11 Signs A Woman Is A ‘Wendy’ — The Type Of Personality Avoidant Men Latch Onto
Dean Drobot / ShutterstockAre you the kind of woman who always seems to fall for emotionally avoidant men? No matter how much effort you put in, it doesn’t seem to matter. All he cares about is being taken care of, often without giving you any credit.
There’s a term for this type of relationship floating around online. If you’re familiar with the story of Peter Pan, you may realize you have a lot in common with Wendy. She was the caregiver to Peter Pan’s man-child. He never wanted to grow up, and he wanted a woman who would let him live an immature lifestyle. Wendy wanted nothing more than to please him, so he was drawn to her. If a woman is a ‘Wendy,’ she likely attracts emotionally stunted men who only care about themselves.
These are 11 signs a woman is a ‘Wendy’ — the type of personality avoidant men latch onto
1. She thinks she can fix him
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We’ve all met someone who thinks she can fix her problematic partner. She’s confident that with a little bit of love, he will transform into the perfect boyfriend. Most of us know that it’s unlikely, but she is confident in her abilities. This is a sign that a woman is a ‘Wendy.’ She cares about someone with little potential, but she is willing to look past his bad behavior in hopes of a happier future.
A man like this is unavailable. He’s likely not looking for a serious relationship and may not have any intention to change his ways. It’s not easy for a woman to put up with this, but some ‘Wendys’ can stick through it.
2. She is overly nurturing
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If you remember the story of Peter Pan, he was a man-child who famously never wanted to grow up. Sadly, there are some men out there who, whether they realize it or not, have this same mindset. They may expect women to care for them throughout their lives. They’re looking for a mother-figure rather than an equal partner. From cooking him dinner to doing his laundry, a man like this often wants the perks of a relationship without putting in much effort.
A ‘Wendy’ is overly nurturing. She’s a natural caretaker, happy to do these things for her partner. Avoidant men love this because they know she’ll provide them with all the love and support they’re seeking.
3. She puts others before herself
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Many women are taught to put others before themselves. Often, they grow up seeing the women in their lives putting their men first. Did your mom always make a plate for your dad before serving herself? Was she carrying the emotions of a man who refused to talk about his? These are signs that they put men before themselves.
If someone is a ‘Wendy,’ they are likely the type of person who puts others before themselves. They love deeply and want to please the person in their lives. When a man is dating a people pleaser, he knows he will get whatever he wants out of her.
4. She fears abandonment
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A ‘Wendy’ likely has a fear of abandonment. She may not be able to imagine her life without her partner. Even if he treats her poorly, she feels a connection to him. Men like this take advantage of a ‘Wendy.’ They know that even through their worst behavior, she likely won’t leave him. She’ll do whatever she can to keep him happy and with her.
Sometimes, this can start in childhood. If someone has abandonment trauma, they may stick around through even the worst relationships to keep a partner in their lives.
5. She feels responsible for his emotions
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Some men seek attention from only the woman in their lives. Instead of having friendships or close relationships outside of his partnership, he relies on his partner to check every box. While this may be a deal breaker for some women, others are drawn to it. A woman who is a ‘Wendy’ likely enjoys this type of caretaking. She’s happy to be responsible for his every need.
Avoidant men latch onto this. They know their partner will do anything they ask. When she feels responsible for his emotions, she will do whatever it takes to keep him happy.
6. She struggles with boundaries
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It’s not always easy to form boundaries with the people we love. It can be especially complicated for the ‘Wendy’ type. Since she cares deeply about pleasing people, she may struggle to tell the people in her life ‘no.’ Avoidant men may be drawn to a woman like this because she is always there for him, even when she’s pouring from an empty cup.
Boundaries would be helpful for a woman like this. They would allow her to form a healthier bond with her partner. “The biggest misunderstanding about boundaries is that they are negative, as if setting them creates winners and losers,” says Yesenia Garcia, a licensed clinical social worker. “In reality, boundaries do quite the opposite—they foster deeper connections to others and ourselves.”
7. Caregiving boosts her self-esteem
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Some women feel they are only worthy when they are caring for someone else. Instead of prioritizing themselves, they feel validated when they give their love and support to someone else. Instead of finding worth within herself, a woman who is a 'Wendy' finds it by nurturing other people.
Avoidant men are likely to find this quality appealing. They may reel a woman like this in by showing how much they appreciate her caretaking. Over time, his true feelings may show, and he will be less kind while still expecting his partner to make the most effort.
8. She makes excuses for his emotional unavailability
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It can be easy to make excuses for the people we love. Not everyone will understand the motives behind our relationships. If a woman has ‘Wendy’ characteristics, she may make excuses for her partner’s actions. He hasn’t committed to her for a reason others wouldn’t understand. Or, he doesn’t take advantage of her; their relationship is just different than the average. These are examples of ways some women may try to explain away a bad relationship.
The truth is, excuses can harm a relationship. While this type of woman may think she is doing herself and her partner a favor, she could be causing more harm than good.
9. She overexplains his bad behavior
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Along with making excuses, she may try to over-explain his behavior. Deep in her heart, she believes he acts a certain way because of something he’s been through. Whether she links his poor qualities to trauma or knows how much he has been through, it impacts his personality. She likely over-explains these things to the people in her life. She wants them to see the potential that she does. This can be a classic trait of a ‘Wendy.’
While we’ve all been through things and are working through our own trauma, it isn’t an excuse for treating people in our lives poorly. Avoidant men may be seeking women who will look for the good in them, no matter what, and come up with excuses for why they are the way they are.
10. She romanticizes his potential
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We have likely all been guilty of this at some point. We see the good in people before the bad. The potential can look so good that it’s all we think about. In reality, the person is showing us exactly who they are. While things might change in the future, they will likely stay the same.
A ‘Wendy’ type of woman may struggle with this. She can picture the man in her life as the person she wants him to be, and work to bring out that side of him. She may not be successful, but she wants to try.
11. She stays no matter what
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Let’s face it, it’s not easy to leave a relationship. Even when things are going south, we may still make excuses to stick it out. A ‘Wendy’ type will bring this mindset into their relationship. Avoidant men love this because they know they can do whatever they want with little or no consequence. Men like this may be distant or at times, rude and off-putting. They may fear commitment, and even through all of this, a certain type of woman may stick around.
“Sending clear messages about how one feels depends on knowing what one is feeling. Many avoidant people are not in touch with their emotions. Thinking about emotions may cause them distress. As a result, they may feel lost when a partner brings up emotional or relational issues,” says Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., MFT.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
