11 Sad Signs You're More Like Roommates Than Spouses
BBernard | Shutterstock No marriage will last 50 years without going through some down-time. You can't be romantic all that time, and expecting that can actually cause problems. But when you're more like roommates than spouses for more than a short phase, the separation can just keep growing.
If you notice these signs in your marriage for longer that a few months, it's important to intervene early. You deserve a true partnership, not just a friend who happens to live in your house.
11 sad signs you're more like roommates than spouses
1. You lack closeness
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Both physical and emotional intimacy are foundational to both partners’ health and well-being. Even more importantly, they are the number one thing that separates romantic partners from every other relationship.
A true sense of intimacy is much more than physical closeness, it’s an emotional connection that allows partners to be authentic and vulnerable with one another. It is through this closeness that regular romantic love grows into the deep bond that most people only dream about.
When you start feeling more like roommates that romantic partners, a cold type of distance can creep between you that's hard to shake. To combat it, start small but stay consistent. Set aside time with zero pressure to do anything other than be together. Walk together, ride bikes, take a weekend away. Remember what it was that drew you close in the first place.
2. You chronically avoid talking about your relationship
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When you first fell in love, you talked about how in love youwere all the time. You shared what was going right and talked through all your problems. That's why, when those conversations stop, it's a big sign you're turning into roommates instead of spouses.
Even when you're irritable and angry at each other constantly, anxious and distressed over not having their needs met, you keep quiet other than a grumble or picking a fight. In other words, you completelly avoid talking about your relationship unless you're in a fight.
While it might be uncomfortable at first, try scheduling time for conversations at home, making space for both of you to express whatever you need. Try a proven conversational format like IMAGO dialog and stick to it so you don't fall into old patterns.
If that fails, seek out a qualified counselor or therapist to get you started.
3. You stop craving time alone
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While it might seem like married couples going through a roommate phase would be spending less time together, the majority of them actually spend too much time together. The problem is that their time together is unfulfilling and bland, characterized by two partners doing completely separate activities or tasks.
It's important to find new and even exciting things to try together. This can spark important feelings of connection, excitement, and passion, according to a report published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. But it's also important to stop simply co-existing in the same space which can become almost mind-numbing, making you almost stop craving time alone.
Spend time alone, do something exciting together. Find some way to stop vegging out like slugs so you can remember that you're not roommates, you're life partners in the deepest ways.
4. You avoid necessary conflict
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When you've become more like roommates than spouses, you find yourself totally disinterested in engaging on anything deep, and that includes any sort of meaningful conflict.
According to experts from National University, both partners should commit to active listening during these arguments, especially if they’re uncomfortable or vulnerable. Ensure you make space for your partner to feel heard and supported while expressing their needs and emotions, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their perspective.
When you stop being interested in any sort of conflict or resolution, it's a sign you've disengaged with your spouse to the point where you're more like strangers. This may keep the peace, but it also limits closeness and intimacy. If you don't interrupt that cycle now, it's not going to get better.
5. They feel like their marriage is a burden
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Relationship therapists tend to throw around certain phrases we’ve all heard a thousand times: open communication, empathy, understanding, and respect. While they have a tendency to be over-used, they're used a lot for a reason. They're the core of what makes a marriage worth all the effort.
When a marriage isn't worth the effort, it just becomes a burden.
This is a pattern that needs to be interrupted, immediately. First, start by asking yourself some questions: What does your future look like? What do you and your partner need to feel loved? How can you spice up your daily life to ensure nobody feels unappreciated?
Then, pledge together to get back to a marriage that feels worth it. Because it most likely is very worth it to try.
6. You're too busy doing things separately to spend time together
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Many married partners fall into a difficult dynamic when they start their lives and move in together, balancing their careers, families, household responsibilities, etc. Over time, these things become more and more separate.
Most of the time, this is unavoidable. We all have to work, inside or outside the home, and it's very rare when your work coincides with your spouse's. But it's all the other stuff that we let consume us that does the damage and turns spouses into roommates.
To solve this, figure out what your partner values, what they need from you, and how you can schedule quality time together to ensure that your marriage never gets put on the back burner. Not only will you show up better for each other, you’ll find a better balance between all the stressors and responsibilities in your life.
7. You can't imagine a happy future together
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If you're struggling to see a future with your spouse where you're happy, it's a big sign your marriage is in trouble. If it just looks like decades of doing nothing, feeling nothing, and loneliness, it's time to step in and turn your pseudo-roommate into a spouse agian.
Without the communication that’s necessary to sustain a healthy marriage, both partners feel stagnant and uncertain about their futures. While it’s one of the common traits of married couples who are more like roommates than actual life partners, it’s possible to overcome this anxiety with open communication, whether it’s at home or with a marriage counselor.
Yes, you'll have to be brave. You'll have to risk being hurt. But it's so well worth it, even if it's just to learn that you aren't meant to be together. But if you love each other deep down, you'll likely find that you were.
8. You feel overwhelmed with resentment
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Resentment is toxic to all sorts of relationships. Why? Because, even when the event that hurt you is over, you'll continue suffering as if it's happening again and again. It's no wonder you feel more like roommates than partners.
According to leading relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman, resentment has been found to be one of the four most toxic forces in marriage. They warn that it's easy to get stuck in negative sentiment override, assuming the worst of your partner and allowing negative feelings to overwhelm the positive. When that happens, serious work needs to be done to unwind that bias.
By figuring out what’s going on behind your resentment and feelings of frustration, you'll have a more balanced foundation to communicate through your struggles.
Whether it’s with a friend, a therapist, or directly with your partner, all of which help in various ways, communicating openly about your resentment can help you trail-blaze a new path forward, both towards forgiveness and emotional regulation.
9. You feel taken for granted, and so does your spouse
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It's easy to take your spouse for granted after years together. This gets even worse if you find yourself in a state of negative statement override, where you find yourselves no longer even seeing the good stuff that made you fall in love with one another. Soon enough you're just roommates.
To fix this, you need to consciously start reminding yourself and your partner why you got married in the first place. Even on your own you can start a little gratitude journal where you note 3 to 5 things your spouse did that day that were kind or helpful. This helps "reprogram" your brain to see the good, not just the bad.
If you can get your spouse to do this, too, you can share a few at the end of the week. This appreciation will help you see what you loved in one another in no time and give you a romantic fresh start.
10. You make plans without checking in with one another
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Trust is a foundational aspect of all relationships, especially in long-term committed relationships. Part of that trust is the simple acknowledgement that you'll make your plans together first, so you can spend time together.
When a married couple starts venturing off on their own and avoiding their partner without any kind of communication, it’s a clear sign that this specific type of trust has been broken long enough that they barely notice it anymore. That's how you know you're more like roommates than romantic partners.
Roommates may not feel obligated to share their lives with the people they live with, but married couples made a commitment to sharing their lives. When that stops, you know it's time to recalibrate priorities together.
11. You imagine life would be better with someone else
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While it might be hard to come to terms with, many married partners living through the roommate stage are grappling with the staleness life sometimes presents post-honeymoon period. They’re yearning for the sensuality and excitement newlyweds feel starting their life together, in a direct contrast to the life they’re living now.
What these partners fail to realize, while daydreaming about a crush or envisioning a more exciting life, is that they have the power to introduce those feelings and experiences back into their routines.
It’s all about communication and mindset. If you need something, emotionally or physically, from your partner, ask them for it. You’ll never embody the life you desire without speaking it into existence.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
