People Who Make Their Marriage Feel Less Loving Over Time Often Use 11 Toxic Phrases In Casual Conversation
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | CanvaMany people are still apprehensive about tying the knot today, since even some of the best marriages end in divorce. Fortunately, this couldn't be further from the truth. Despite popular belief, marriages now are actually more stable than they were in the 1970s. That being said, just because marriage rates are dropping doesn't mean you can be careless with yours. In fact, several phrases may seem innocent to the person saying them, but they can quietly ruin a marriage over time.
People who make their marriage less loving often say these toxic things casually:
1. 'I told you so'
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The first phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is "I told you so." Almost everyone has either heard this from their partner or said it themselves. And whether it's said during an outing or while they're cleaning, this phrase can cause serious problems.
Saying this phrase is like rubbing salt in a wound. Sure, one party might have been right all along; however, rubbing it in the other person's face and pointing out how wrong they were isn't a good idea. Like it or not, using this phrase is another form of belittling that can damage your partner's self-esteem. This phrase can quickly make your partner feel inferior or dismissed, even if you don't mean to. However, this isn't necessarily done on purpose. According to clinical social worker Assael Romanelli, Ph.D., "Most of us unconsciously belittle our partners to feel better about ourselves. This pattern is normal and unavoidable."
But just because it's normal doesn't mean couples can't do better. By avoiding this phrase and expressing their emotions more healthily, couples can avoid the pitfalls of marriage by being respectful and honest in their responses. For instance, if it bothered them that their partner didn't listen, say, "Hey, I feel a bit unheard because..." This not only addresses the issue better, but it also avoids making their partner feel less than too.
2. 'You remind me of so and so'
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To be fair, most people unconsciously make comparisons without even meaning to. When discussing celebrities or old exes, partners might say 'You remind me of so-and-so," a phrase that seems innocent but can quietly harm a marriage. Let's face it: nobody wants to be compared. Depending on how badly a relationship ended or how close they are to their family, hearing that they're similar to an ex or their parents can be triggering. And though people might think comparisons are an obvious no-go in marriage, most people would be shocked by how many partners go the extra mile to point them out.
And while comparisons are useful when picking a partner, they're not necessarily useful in keeping one. Researcher and professor Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., said, "Comparison is essential when choosing a romantic partner, for we compare their personal characteristics to those of others." However, once couples have their partner and are married, it's best to stop. Zeév explained that it's much healthier to focus on accepting their partner, as acceptance reduces this unhelpful behavior.
3. 'I'm not mad, I'm disappointed'
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Everyone has felt disappointed in their partner at some point in their marriage. From forgetting to take out the trash to forgetting their anniversary, these disappointments can pile up and make couples resentful. That being said, a phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed."
There's nothing wrong with expressing disappointment. Being open and honest about those uncomfortable feelings is the quickest way to resolve conflict and bring about closeness. However, there's a difference between saying, "I feel disappointed because of this," versus, "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed."
Saying this vague phrase doesn't fix anything or help your partner get to the bottom of what's going on. Honestly, it's an unhelpful phrase that can leave your partner feeling terrible and riddled with guilt. According to researcher and psychology professor Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD, ABPP, "Being plagued by guilt can set up a pattern of interpersonal dynamics that can eat away at you, if not erode, the quality of your relationship." So, while expressing disappointment is important, be clear; otherwise, this guilt can slowly harm an otherwise healthy relationship.
4. 'You always do this'
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Every couple is bound to get into an argument here or there. From forgetting to clean up after themselves to trying to control what they can't control, couples bicker for plenty of reasons. However, a phrase that seems innocent but can make a marriage feel less loving is “You always do this.” It’s unfortunate, but many people say these words without blinking twice. When tensions are high, it’s easy to let emotions get the better of you and use extreme language to get your point across.
Still, it’s important to eliminate that language from their vocabulary; otherwise, they can actively make things worse. According to psychotherapist and professor of psychology Yana Hoffman, RP, C.C.D.C., and Hank Davis, Ph.D., saying "always" can be a trigger word that instantly puts the other person in defense mode. So, instead of using this phrase, couples should simply say how they truly feel. Saying, “I don’t feel like my needs are being met because I don’t feel heard,” is a great alternative that doesn’t put the other person on the defensive.
5. 'We will talk about this later'
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After hours of arguing, it’s tempting to move on and let bygones be bygones. Most couples know you can't resolve anything when emotions run high and screaming matches have entered the building. Still, a phrase that seems innocent but can ruin a marriage is “We’ll talk about this later."
Now, there’s nothing wrong with saving a conversation for later. Taking a quick break after couples get into an unhelpful screaming match is the quickest way to come together. According to the Gottman Institute, "Breaks give you time to calm down, deepen your perspective, and have a successful 'do-over' with your partner." But there's a difference between saying, “We’ll talk about this in twenty minutes,” and using the vague word “later.” Unfortunately, couples who say "later" often mean never, letting resentment build in the relationship. This is dangerous because resentment often leads to contempt, the number one predictor of divorce, according to Gottman.
6. 'You're being silly'
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The next phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is “You’re being silly.” Whether it’s a partner crying over food or a movie, there will always be moments when people let their emotions get the better of them. Having a bad day plus a minor inconvenience can turn even the strongest person into an utter mess. Even so, calling a partner's emotions silly simply because you don’t understand their perspective is one of the most dismissive things someone can do.
Dismissiveness changes how people perceive their emotions. One study published in 2024 found that when their emotions are judged as unacceptable, people are more likely to experience daily negative emotions and stressors. So, instead of chalking it up to overreacting, try being understanding. Meeting them halfway and saying, “I don’t understand what you’re going through or how you’re feeling, but I’m here,” is one of the best ways to validate their partner, thereby strengthening their marriage in the process.
7. 'I can't do this anymore'
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Marriage isn’t easy. After years of marriage, it’s all too common for couples to find themselves at odds. From complaining about how they sleep to not liking how they handle family situations, the phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is “I can’t do this anymore.”
Sure, saying this phrase might be the most honest way a partner can express themselves. Maybe they've truly had it and want to express that vulnerability the only way they know how. But there are more effective ways to express oneself than threatening the relationship. Whether couples agree or not, saying this phrase is unhelpful and dishonest. People who say they're going to leave rarely actually leave; more often, they say it because they’re overly emotional in the moment.
8. 'I'm fine'
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Life doesn’t always go according to plan. From setbacks at work to problems in their family, people must suck up their emotions and put on a smile to get through the day. Should people express themselves when they're going through a rough time? Yes, but nobody wants to come off as burdensome, and as a result, a phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is “I’m fine.”
In front of their peers or coworkers, it’s okay to fake it until they make it. After all, someone they work with doesn’t need to know how bad a week they’re having. But at home, it’s important to be upfront about your emotions. Remember: your partner is there to weather the storm with you. So don’t feel ashamed to be vulnerable. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, suppressing emotions leaves negative ones intact while eliminating positive ones, which can lead to the end of a marriage if couples aren’t careful.
9. 'You should know by now'
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After spending years together, it's safe to say that most married couples can read one another like the back of their hand. Do they prefer coffee over tea? What about their favorite movie of all time? If a married couple is truly in sync, these simple questions are as easy to answer as breathing. That being said, a phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is "You should know by now."
Now, when it comes to simple questions like their favorite food, of course, their partner should know by now. However, some things a partner will never know the answer to, no matter how obvious they seem to the other party. For instance, not everyone knows how to react during emotionally charged situations. Most people are terrified of making others feel worse and, as a result, might hesitate to react as quickly as their partner would've preferred. This, unfortunately, can worsen relationships when one partner misunderstands the other's intentions.
To avoid this, both parties need to communicate their needs. While one person might need to speak up about how they feel confused about how to handle things, the other person should be willing to lend a hand and tell them what they need. Remember, people change, so the comfort methods that worked five years ago might be completely different today. So, as annoying as it might be, make sure both parties know what the other needs; otherwise, they can't be too upset if their partner doesn't know what to do.
10. 'We already talked about this'
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Nobody wants to repeat themselves after already saying what's on their mind. After all, revisiting that uncomfortable conversation can quickly make both people uneasy, leading to tension when one person can't let go of the past and move forward in a more positive direction.
However, that's not the only issue, because refusing to let your partner express themselves can make them feel isolated. As human beings, we need community and socialization to thrive and live our best lives. So, when our partner doesn't let us say what's on our mind, it can unintentionally cause us to repress our emotions, stunting healing in the process.
11. 'That's just the way I am'
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Finally, the last phrase that seems innocent but can make a marriage less loving is "That's just the way I am." Now, to be fair, if someone enters a relationship, they shouldn't try to change what they already know. For instance, if someone already knew that their partner loved going out and dressing up, they shouldn't expect them to suddenly change simply because they're married.
That being said, certain behaviors aren't acceptable. Being a temperamental, stubborn person with zero regard for anyone else shouldn't be brushed off. People need to grow and become better than what they were. Like it or not, staying in the same place without ever learning from their old ways is the quickest way to end a marriage without even meaning to. People must be willing to compromise and work on their toxic behavior if they ever want to make any relationship work with someone.
Saying, "That's just the way I am," is a way of avoiding accountability. Psychotherapist William Berry, LMHC, stated, "These words have even been prefaced by, 'I can’t help it…'. Some might view it as a cop-out. In other words, one might be saying, 'I don’t have the motivation to change this aspect of myself.'” With this in mind, both parties must work on themselves and their flaws if they want their marriage to work. Otherwise, they can kiss their otherwise beautiful marriage goodbye.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
