People Who Listen With Real Empathy Often Do 7 Kind Things When You Talk To Them
Jose Calsina | ShutterstockUnderstanding your partner requires being a deeply empathetic listener — really listening. Couples are advised to hear each other’s complaints without feeling attacked, and as great as this sounds, it’s often unrealistic.
For most of us, listening without getting defensive is one of the hardest communication skills to master. As Dr. David Schnarch explains in his book Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, “Emotionally committed relationships respond better when each partner controls, confronts, soothes, and mobilizes himself/herself.”
This is because the more partners can regulate their own emotions, the more stable the relationship becomes. Self-soothing improves your relationship's stability by helping you stay grounded and maintain your connection with your partner during a tough conversation. Below are tools to help you self-soothe and listen as well as you can.
People who listen with real empathy often do these things:
1. They take notes to stay grounded, not reactive
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Psychologist Dr. John Gottman suggests using a notepad to write down everything your partner says, which is especially helpful when you’re feeling defensive. This also helps you remember what was said when you reflect on it or when it’s your turn to speak.
Remind yourself you’re listening because you care about their pain. Lastly, tell yourself, "I’ll get my turn to talk and express my feelings about this."
2. They remind themselves why they care
During tough conversations, focus on your affection and respect for your partner. Recall fond memories and remember how your partner has shown their love, supported you, and made you laugh. Remember that the joy you bring each other matters more than this conflict, and working through it together will bring more of that joy.
I’ve found it helpful to write a quote or a happy memory in the top right corner of my notepad, reminding me that I love my partner and that this conflict has the potential to bring us closer.
In Dr. Gottman's book, What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal, he suggests saying to yourself, "In this relationship, we do not ignore one another’s pain. I have to understand this hurt."
When you self-soothe, you learn to separate your relationship from the anger and hurt you feel about this issue.
3. They slow down and breathe
Slowing down and taking deep breaths is a great way to self-soothe. Focus on relaxing your body. Sometimes doodling helps, but don’t get lost in the activity or stop listening.
If your partner notices you self-soothing, say, “I am trying to stay present as I listen, and stuff is coming up for me, so I am trying to calm myself so I can truly hear you.” Remember to postpone your agenda and focus on understanding your partner.
4. They check their inner dialogue
Dr. Schnarch advises partners to build a strong relationship with themselves by learning to listen, self-soothe, and embrace their own emotions.
Oftentimes, when you feel flooded, it's not because you are reacting to your partner’s words or behavior. It’s because you are interpreting what they are saying and assigning personal meaning to their statements.
Maybe their anger makes you feel like they’re going to leave you. Or maybe it makes you feel like you’re not being a good enough partner.
Look inward and see what you are telling yourself about what this conflict means and how it may impact you. Holding onto yourself also means considering that your partner’s complaint may have some truth. Sometimes we hold onto a distorted self-portrait. I know I have.
5. They don't take things too personally
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I know this sounds impossible, especially if the complaint is about something you did or didn’t do. But research shows that defensiveness, not the complaint itself, is one of the main predictors of relationship breakdown.
If you feel yourself getting defensive, seek to understand why. Ask yourself, "Why am I getting defensive? What am I trying to protect?" Your partner’s complaint is about their needs, not yours, so soothe your defensiveness so you can be there for them.
6. They ask for things to be said differently, without shutting down
If your partner says something that triggers you, ask them to say it differently. “I’m feeling defensive about what you’re saying. Can you please reword your complaint so I can understand your need and explore ways we can meet it?” is just an example.
7. They hit pause when they need to
If you notice you’re having trouble focusing as the listener, ask your partner to take a break from the conversation. This is a proactive way to self-soothe and keep your emotional brain from flipping out.
You can say, “I’m trying to listen, but I’m starting to take things personally. Can we take a break and restart this in 20 minutes? Your feelings are important to me, and I want to make sure I understand you.”
During this time, focus on the positives in your relationship and do something productive. I prefer to go for a walk.
Once you’ve learned to self-soothe, it becomes a lot easier to ask your partner to help you calm down. If you're struggling, tell your partner what’s on your mind. For example, “Hun, I’m feeling flooded. Can you tell me how much you love me? I need it right now,” vs. “You’re the one with the problems. Fix yourself!”
The latter reaction comes from fear and often creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. The former gives your relationship a fighting chance and the possibility to create a more secure bond.
Conflict is not only a catalyst for understanding, but it’s also a vehicle for personal growth. I like to think of relationship conflict like an oyster. Oysters don’t intend to make beautiful pearls. Instead, pearls are a byproduct of the oyster, formed as it reduces irritation from grains of sand.
Similarly, conflict can inadvertently create connection and closeness. After listening to Suzanne, Braden took a deep breath. “I hear you saying that my reaction to your request for help with the kids made you feel like family doesn’t matter to me," he told her. "I can see why you’d be so upset with me.”
A tear rolled down Suzanne’s cheek. This was a major breakthrough for their marriage. Long-lasting love requires courage, the courage to be vulnerable, and to listen non-defensively, even in the heat of conflict, especially when we are hurt and angry.
Kyle Benson is an Intentionally Intimate Relationship coach who provides practical, research-based tools to build long-lasting relationships. He is best known for his compassion and non-judgmental style, as well as his capacity to identify the root problem.
Co-founded by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, The Gottman Institute’s approach to relationship health has been developed from 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples.
