Men Who Have Deep Love For A Woman Usually Say 6 Phrases In Casual Conversation
Kampus Production | PexelsThere is a saying that we teach what we want to learn. I suspect it may be equally true that we write about issues most important in our lives. I grew up as an only child in a single-parent family. My father was gone by the time I was five years old. My mother had to go out and work, and I was left alone a lot of the time.
My main friends and companions were the imaginary friends that I turned to for comfort, love, and understanding ... until I met my wife, Carlin. I knew I was deeply in love with her when I started casually saying a few phrases without even realizing the words coming out of my mouth. She gave me the kind of comfort that comes from feeling completely & utterly at home with someone.
Men who have a deep love for a woman usually say these phrases in casual conversation:
1. 'I see, hear, and get you'
Carlin and I have been married twice before, and we both realize that it’s difficult for one person to walk in the shoes of another. Men and women may not come from two separate planets, but our brains are different, our hormones are different, and the cells in our bodies are different.
Of course, there are many things we share, but it’s the differences that often end up making us feel alone. Feeling that your partner gets you is one of the greatest gifts we can ever receive. I feel seen, heard, and emotionally connected to Carlin. She’s worked hard to understand me and my world, and it feels wonderful to have a woman who wants to know me fully.
2. 'I love & accept you as you are'
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There is a lot about me that is difficult to live with. I’ve had my share of childhood wounds. My father was away because he had tried to kill himself, and I suffered the loss of his presence and the fear that I would follow in his footsteps. As an adult, I have had to deal with depression and bipolar disorder. When I would get manic, I would become irritable, angry, and hard to live with. When I would get depressed, I would become sullen, clingy, and difficult to live with.
Carlin has her own wounds and emotional challenges, too. But I’ve never felt that Carlin wanted me to be different from who I am. She isn’t perfect in her support of me; no one is, but she gives me constant validation that who I am is okay with her, even when I’m a bear to live with.
3. 'It's okay if you need some time for yourself'
It would often drive me crazy when Carlin would take care of herself instead of doing something I wanted. "I can’t go with you today," she would tell me. "I need time to myself." When I felt down and needy, I hungered for her to drop everything and respond to my needs. But Carlin knew herself well enough to know that she needed to first take care of herself. She could be more supportive of me if she were good to herself.
I learned to love that quality because it also allowed me to take care of my own needs. Rather than creating two people who were so independent that we lived in our separate worlds, it has created two whole human beings who care for themselves and then have a lot to give to their partner.
4. 'You don't have to be strong all the time'
One of the greatest gifts I get from Carlin is that she allows me to be vulnerable and unsure as well as strong and decisive. For most of my life, I’ve felt I had to be manly and strong, which meant that I couldn't show weakness or vulnerability. But there were times when I felt like the world was just too much for me. I wanted to be able to curl up in my wife’s arms and let her hold me.
In past relationships, the women were afraid of showing weakness as much as I was. But Carlin was different. She let me be weak and nurtured me without making me feel like a wimp. I’ve never felt more alive than when I could allow myself to "fall apart" and know my wife was not freaked out and was there for me.
5. 'I see the best in you and know you see the best in me'
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I can’t tell you how many times I have had women tell me, "I feel like I have three children in the house and only two of them are underage. I want a man, and he acts like a little boy." I’ve felt the shame of statements like those many times in previous relationships. One of the strongest memories I have growing up was hearing my mother and a group of her women friends talking about their husbands. A number of the men, including my father, were out of work, and the women talked about them as though they were not "real men."
"Henry is out all day, but he never brings anything home. He says he’s looking for work, but he’s got nothing to show for it," one of the women said. Another shook her head and told the group, "It’s even worse with my husband. He’s at home all the time, and it’s like having another child constantly underfoot." I remember hearing these words as a four-year-old and making a vow that I would never let a woman talk about me like that.
Well, I’ve been working since I was nine years old. When I lost my job several years ago, I fell into a deep depression that almost killed me. Carlin understands that being a man is about both strength and weakness, and she supports both in me. She never shames me for being weak, confused, or uncertain. She respects and loves me for being me.
6. 'You don't need me to rescue you'
I grew up, like most boys, with visions of being someone’s hero. I wanted to slay dragons and rescue damsels in distress. Why? Well, first, I thought that was what you needed to do to be a man. Second, I believed that to be loved by the woman of my dreams, I had to become a hero. That meant that I had to take great risks, put myself in danger, and show her that I would fight anyone who threatened her or disrespected her.
Over the years, there never really was a time when her life was truly in danger, and I was asked to step forward and be the hero to rescue her. There were a whole lot of times when I did dumb things to demonstrate I was manly. That often involved confronting other men who I thought were paying too much attention to her.
Rather than being loved more for stepping in to defend her honor, she resented both my intrusion and the implied belief that she couldn't take care of herself. But there was a day, following a heroic gesture, when she turned to me, kissed me, and told me, "You don’t have to be my hero, just be my partner." Something melted in me. It was the old 'act like a man" box where I felt I had to do manly things to be accepted. With her words, it melted away.
Being a true companion is so much healthier, more honorable, and manlier than our movie image of the hero. Usually, the hero is a man who is aggressive and violent. Lovers can be soft and gentle, but they can also bring tough love, stand up for what is right, and defend those who are vulnerable. The world needs more courageous companions and fewer insecure heroes.
Jed Diamond is a licensed psychotherapist with a Ph.D. in International Health and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. He is the author of The Whole Man Program: Reinvigorating Your Body, Mind, and Spirit.
