Happy Couples With Strong Peacemaking Skills Usually Do 3 Things Differently In Daily Conversation
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | CanvaLove is not the only thing that makes a relationship or marriage last. There is one particular emotion that brings unparalleled benefits to every type of relationship: gratitude.
Many of us take a moment to give thanks in our thoughts for things like health and friends. But when was the last time you specifically told your partner how much gratitude you have for them and for the many wonderful benefits they bring to your life?
In my long-term study of marriage and divorce, couples in a relationship who expressed frequent gratitude to each other were the happiest in their marriages by a significant margin.
In fact, 61% of the happy couples in my study said that their spouses "often" made them feel good about the kind of person they are, compared to only 27% of the other couples.
For these happy couples, gratitude came in the form of words, gestures, or acts that showed a spouse that they were noticed, appreciated, respected, loved, or desired. My research shows there are three basic needs all people have in relationships:
- The need for reassurance or self-worth
- The need for intimacy and closeness
- The need for assistance
Practicing gratitude and showing it to your partner will help you fulfill your partner's first two needs: the need for reassurance and the need for intimacy. These two things go a long way toward keeping a relationship peaceful and happy.
Happy couples who know how to keep the peace do 3 things differently in conversations:
1. They name what it is that they are specifically thankful for
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"Thank you" is the most crucial phrase you can say to your partner and the phrase your partner likely most wants to hear. And instead of lightly flinging it around, you can give the sentiment more 'oomph' when you say it like you truly mean it.
To do this, you need to understand why you value and appreciate your partner so much. Take a few minutes and write down five things you are most grateful for when it comes to your partner. For example:
- They let you vent.
- They know what you love most to eat.
- They pay the bills consistently and without complaining.
- They make your parents feel welcome.
- They make you laugh.
- They are an amazing listener.
I guarantee doing this little exercise will make you smile to yourself. And when you share it with them, they will smile even bigger.
2. They genuinely thank their partner
There are countless ways to tell your partner you care about him or her. The most obvious is simply to read the list you created above out loud You can also thank your partner indirectly with a heartfelt compliment:
- "You're so handsome."
- "Good morning, gorgeous."
- "You're the best partner I could ever hope for."
There is no etiquette or formal rule that verbal gratitude has to be delivered face-to-face. You can express this type of gratitude over the phone, email, text, or in person.
Sometimes, a surprise call in the middle of the day delivers more bang than a kiss when you get home. And mailing a thank-you card to your partner can be a surprisingly simple way to make them feel appreciated and noticed.
3. They don't just say they are grateful, they show it
It's not that hard to show your partner regularly through small endearments that they matter to you and that you are grateful that they are in your life. My research shows that men, in particular, are more likely to show than to tell. That is, they gravitate more to actions than to words, and they also respond more to actions than words.
Women tend to be more verbal, so if a husband is showing gratitude to his wife, she might not get it if he doesn't also say the words "thank you" or "I appreciate you" or "I'm so grateful."
The key to showing gratitude to your partner is to see the world through their eyes. What do they need to feel appreciated? Think about your partner's habits or some specific challenges they are facing.
Is your wife always running out of cash? Slip some bills into her purse as a nice surprise. Is she always rushing around? Offer to take the kids to sports practice for a change so she can have some quiet time.
Is he stressed out at work? Make his favorite dinner tonight. Does he love to read the newspaper in the morning? Pick it up at the store with his favorite coffee drink tomorrow morning.
And don't forget to kiss and hug your partner. The key here is to make small gestures regularly that show you're paying attention.
Do and say simple things often to make your partner feel noticed and cared for. When you do, you’ll notice a meaningful improvement in your relationship.
And, the best part of that magic word and concept, gratitude, is that if you take the time to say it and show it to your partner, you'll receive gratitude in kind.
Dr. Terri Orbuch, Ph.D. (aka The Love Doctor®) is a relationship expert, professor, therapist, research scientist, speaker, and author of 5 best-selling books.
