10 Factors That Almost Always Exist When Two People Fall In Love, Says Psychologist
Srdjan Randjelovic | ShutterstockFalling in love usually isn't as spontaneous as it feels.
Love often finds people at the strangest times, which can make a strong attachment feel like fate, perfect timing, or plain luck. But psychology suggests there are common factors that make two people more likely to fall in love. In a Smithsonian Magazine video on research by Elizabeth Phillips, then a Ph.D. student at the University of Central Florida, psychologists have identified several factors that often draw people together, from similarity and attraction to timing, mystery, and the simple feeling of being wanted.
10 factors that almost always exist when two people fall in love, according to psychology:
1. They're similar in ways that matter
They say opposites attract, but surprisingly (or not so surprisingly), we're more likely to end up with someone similar to ourselves because they're more inclined to like us back. Oh, the irony!
Similarity often has more staying power. When someone shares your values, humor, interests, background, or way of seeing the world, it’s easier to imagine that they understand you and might like you back.
2. The feelings are mutual
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You're not going to end up in a committed relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way as you. That's not to say you can't still fall in love with them. Attraction can be one-sided, but falling in love is much more likely when both people feel wanted, seen, and emotionally drawn to each other.
Science says that feeling wanted by another can be enough to tip the scales between friends and lovers.
3. There's a real attraction
Desirable characteristics in a partner differ greatly from person to person. For some, personality ticks all the boxes, while for others, appearance is the most valued thing. Regardless, Phillips says we all have aspects of personality or physical attractiveness that get our hearts fluttering.
So, if you don't find anything about your date attractive, including their killer 8-pack abs, chances are you're not going to find love with them. But you already knew that, didn't you?
4. The relationship feels socially possible
People are more likely to fall in love when the relationship feels acceptable or realistic in their world. According to Phillips, social influences are what we establish as being acceptable. This includes age, background, and culture.
So, if you're 25 and aren't attracted to older men, it's unlikely you're going to be open to finding love with someone who's 45. If someone feels too far outside what a person can picture for themselves, love may have a harder time taking root.
5. There's excitement or intensity
If you're looking to find love, go bungee jumping or skydiving. Seriously, there are no puns intended here. Being in an adrenaline-induced situation with another person is a bonding experience that's associated with falling in love.
That doesn't mean everyone needs to go skydiving to fall in love, but shared intensity can create that opportunity for fondness faster than a plain, low-energy interaction.
6. The person meets an emotional need
Whether it's a cuddle or an ego boost, the people we fall in love with generally meet some type of need in our lives. This doesn't necessarily happen consciously, either. Apparently, on some subconscious level, we look for a lover who's capable of patching up a hole in our life. Depressing much?
7. They have that hard-to-name 'something'
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Sometimes attraction comes down to something you can't fully explain. It might be their laugh, their confidence, their warmth, their weird sense of humor, or the way they make a normal moment feel special. That "something" is often what makes one person stand out from everyone else.
Just like the TV show implies, falling in love means finding someone who has the X-factor: a person with something special that makes you go WOW!
8. Both people are ready for a relationship
Timing matters. This one doesn't seem to apply to women as much as it does men, because generally speaking, even when a woman says she's not ready for a relationship, she'll find a way to work one in if the right opportunity presents itself.
According to Phillips, however, someone has to be psychologically at a point where they would welcome a relationship. Falling in love is much easier when both people are open to letting someone in.
9. They spend real time alone together
One-on-one time gives two people the space to actually know each other. Group settings can build interest, but private conversations, shared routines, and uninterrupted time together are often what move a connection from casual to romantic.
If you don't spend some quality alone time with someone, then you're doomed to remain in the friendship zone. Exclusiveness is essential for falling in love because one-on-one time allows you to get to know someone properly.
10. There's still a little mystery
Isn't it bizarre that the people we can't quite figure out are the ones we're attracted to the most? Thankfully, science now proves we're not self-destructive for doing so... well, sort of.
According to Phillips, the mystery factor explains why some women fall in love with inmates. It's all in the intrigue. So, there it is: the science of what makes people fall in love. Now that you know, what will you do with it?
Paige Ahern is a writer and actress who has appeared in Ravishly, SheSaid, MamaMia, Unwritten, and more.
