The Lame Excuse Lazy Men Often Use For Why They Don't Do More Around The House
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock"I think the issue is “investment.” I love taking my kids climbing and camping, so I handle all the logistics like a boss. Birthday parties and soccer games, I’m not so interested in, so I make sure they attend, but I don’t put a lot of mental energy into it. We shouldn’t expect others to value our own priorities as much as we do."
This commenter got one thing right: when it comes to attaining and maintaining an equitable marriage, the issue is investment.
That’s exactly why, for the vast majority of straight women, an equitable marriage remains a pipe dream
Many men, like the father quoted above, insist that they are doing their part. Their wives do more, they say, because they choose to invest more energy and time. They choose to place more value on domestic and caregiving labor; thus, they have higher standards. If Dad doesn’t think something is all that important, why should he have to adhere to his wife’s standards? That’s her problem, not his.
If we’re talking about visible and easily divisible household labor, this argument holds some merit. When my ex-husband and I divvied up household chores, as a case in point, we took into account our preferences and standards. He loathed washing dishes; I found it meditative.
He couldn’t stand cluttered surfaces; I had a higher tolerance for clutter. He was okay with haphazardly stashing things out of sight; I wanted labeled storage bins so I could find everything when I needed it. He made the bed beautifully; I couldn’t be bothered to tuck in the sheets.
Naturally, I was the designated household dishwasher and storage organizer; he was the surface-cleaner and bed-maker. This arrangement served us well. But… you knew there would be a but!
The standards argument overlooks two significant factors: 1) accountability, and 2) the mental load.
Let’s unpack the accountability factor first
Pixel-Shot | Shutterstock
Imagine John and Jane are studying for a test, and John is told he will receive an A for effort, while Jane is told she will only receive an A if she gets over 90 percent of the answers right. Who is going to take this test more seriously? Who is going to feel more invested in the outcome?
When it comes to housework, men typically get the A for minimal effort. For women, acing housework requires far more attention to detail. A 2019 study perfectly illustrated this phenomenon. Researchers showed over 600 participants, both men and women, a photo of a messy room and a photo of the same room without the mess. Some were told that a man lived there; others were told the occupant was a woman. Researchers asked participants to comment on the perceived degree of messiness and on their perceptions of the occupant. What happened?
"We [found] that men and women respondents do not differ in their perceptions of how messy a room is or how urgent it is to clean it up. In contrast, the gender of the room occupant has strong and significant effects on housework perceptions, moral judgments, perceived social consequences, and allocations of responsibility."
So are women truly making a choice to invest more energy and time into domestic labor?
Is it a choice when society still holds us more accountable? This choice fallacy also applies to the second factor that the tired 'standards argument' overlooks. Preferences and standards are far less likely to apply to the mental load — that is, the hundreds of logistics required to attend to the bare minimum of our children’s needs.
The commenter quoted above says he’s “not so interested in birthday parties.” Pardon me? Um, does any parent on this planet wake up and say, “Oh goody! I get to go to a toddler’s birthday party today!”
Back when I was on the birthday party circuit — when I actually had to stay for the entire duration of the party — I would have rather spent two hours cleaning up dog waste in the rain than marinating in the cesspool of snot and the cacophony of shrieks generated by a dozen toddlers in a confined space strung out on sugar.
Please, introduce me to a parent who is “interested in birthday parties.” Or, for that matter, a parent who is passionate about 8 a.m. Saturday morning soccer games. The vast majority of parents would rather be doing literally almost anything else.
But a birthday party still requires an RSVP. Usually, a gift is called for. It is generally expected that said gift will be wrapped or placed in a gift bag. The child must be transported to the party, and depending on the age of the child, the parent may or may not be expected to stay for the duration of the party.
So when Dad decides not to “put a lot of mental energy” into another child’s birthday party because he doesn’t feel invested in birthday parties, what does that mean, exactly? Does he not let the party organizers know that his child plans to attend? Does he not check his calendar to confirm that he can make the time? Does he not purchase or wrap a gift?
More likely, it’s Mom who does all these things. Dad just shows up at the party. He is praised for being an “involved father.” No one praises Mom for her prompt RSVP or the nicely wrapped present.
The mental load, generally speaking, is a joyless slog
Finding childcare, registering for summer camps, filling out waivers and permission forms, fielding calls from teachers, making sure kids have enough underwear to get through the week, making appointments … these are just things that need to get done.
Sure, there are specific instances in which standards and preferences might be a factor. Maybe Dad is okay with a childcare provider that lets kids watch TV; maybe Mom strongly prefers a daycare without screens. But we don’t bring our standards and preferences to the vast majority of this invisible labor. Mothers don’t disproportionately sign and submit forms because we are passionate about forms, or because our husband’s signature doesn’t meet our standards.
As the commenter pointed out, Dads are perfectly capable of managing logistics when they feel invested. Moms are not innately better at this stuff. Dads simply believe they can opt out when it doesn’t suit their priorities or preferences. They know Mom will pick up the slack. After all, she’s getting graded on it, and as husbands, they are entitled to her time and labor.
So yes, the issue is investment. And as long as men feel less invested, the dream of an equitable marriage will remain just that: a dream.
Kerala Goodkin is an award-winning writer and co-owner of a worker-owned marketing agency. Her weekly stories are dedicated to interrupting notions of what it means to be a mother, woman, worker, and wife. She writes on Medium and has recently launched a Substack publication Life Beyond Marriage.
