6 Almost Too-Simple Habits That Keep Couples Obsessed With Each Other For Decades
pics five | ShutterstockEveryone wants to be part of a happy and stable couple; that's the goal. But when tensions run high, it can create considerable emotional challenges. A study explored how consistent arguing can cause couples to end things, but the way (and how often) they share good moments can override that. Relationships have more problems when emotions swing to extremes, but couples who are emotionally in sync through both the good and the trying times tend to stay obsessed with each other for decades.
As a decades-long couples therapist, I can attest that no couple has an easy time staying together and combining work, love, finances, kids, and intimacy, but there are a few things that make the marriage road a bit smoother.
6 almost too-simple habits that keep couples obsessed with each other for decades:
1. Obsessed couples cherish each other
Everyone realizes children need to be cherished and supported for healthy development, and no surprise here: romantic partners need you to encourage and nourish them every day, too. Paying careful attention to your partner and giving yourself in this way will create a powerful bond of love and trust between you.
Research has explained how intimate relationships grow when partners help one another through adversity and by supporting each other. Relationships where both partners cherish each other are a source of strength during tough times and a motivator to pursue future goals.
2. They remember that actions speak louder than words
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It's easy to say, "I love you." If you've got the money, it's easy to buy gifts. But the best gift of all is your focus and attention.
- What's going on in your partner's day, week, or month?
- Is their mother sick?
- How did the meeting with the school go?
- Are they still upset with their boss?
If you forget to ask about important events and feelings, your partner will assume you're not interested in connection and that something or someone else is more important to you. If you know you are a forgetful person, but you want to remember the details of what is important to your partner, write a little note to remind yourself to ask about x, y, or z. Writing the note shows your intent to be involved in their life (and helps jog your memory, too!)
3. Obsessed couples give the ultimate gift
Loving someone is not giving them what you want to give them; it's giving them what they want to be given. Sometimes this is a very tall order. When you are trying to be caring and affectionate, be honest with yourself: Are you attempting to meet the person's love language, or what they say they need from you? If you are giving them what you would like yourself or what you wish they would want to get, don't be disappointed at their reaction.
"Working together to meet each other’s needs is a dance that can create a meaningful and lasting relationship," advised relationships experts at The Gottman Institute. Successful relationships require a solid friendship, so it helps in the beginning when needs can be met consistently to build trust and security between partners. When it comes to meeting needs, communication and compromise are a necessity."
4. They show genuine appreciation
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Give honest thanks and acknowledgment for the things your partner brings to the table. When you see your partner trying to nourish you, show your love and appreciation. Everyone likes to be recognized for their efforts, even if they miss the mark.
When we feel appreciated for what we contribute, it helps build lasting connections in a relationship. A study of intimate relationships found that a cool thing happens with gratitude: It can create a cycle of appreciation between the couple that makes partners more responsive to each other’s needs and become more loving.
5. Obsessed couples stay positive
Don't say every negative thing you think out loud. Imagine criticism is like toothpaste inside a tube. It's easy to squeeze the negative comments out, but once the words are said, it's impossible to put them back in. Harsh words hurt and can make someone pull away emotionally, suggested a study of how people perceive criticism. Their reaction depends on who criticizes them and how close the relationship is. Too much or too harsh criticism coming from someone close can make it difficult to stay connected.
In my office, it's not unusual to have one partner bring up a hurtful comment the other partner made decades earlier. Harsh criticism erodes trust. When you have to share negative feedback, do it as a kind of "criticism sandwich." Begin the conversation with a compliment, put the criticism in as the middle layer, and then finish up with a piece of reassurance or a positive feeling.
6. They stop comparing
Don't compare yourselves to other couples. Most couples on social media will try to portray at least an image of harmony. Many depict their union as the paragon of true devotion and love. It's not that happy couples don't exist; they do, but they quarrel too, just like you do.
When you view a couple who is lovey-dovey or seems to have it all together, you can't tell from the outside if what you are seeing is the real deal or not. It's easy to project your fantasy that their couple's life together is easy and glamorous, while it's so hard to make your own work.
Be grateful for what's good in your relationship. Because if you know it's good in private, it's the real thing.
Aline P. Zoldbrod, Ph.D., is an award-winning author, psychologist, therapist, and couple counselor.
