11 Things Parents Don't Realize They Do To Make Their Adult Children Feel Unloved
Marian Fil | ShutterstockEven parents who worked hard to give their kids a great life can mistakenly do thoughtless things that make their grown children feel unloved. These things are rarely done out of cruelty, and most often are the result of miscommunication or different expectations.
There's no magic wand a parent can wave to be sure adult kids feel loved and supported, so the best place to start is learning what makes them feel rejected or unimportant. Then, parents can ask their grown kids how they feel about these things and move forward, together.
Parents who do 11 thoughtless things tend to make their adult children feel unloved
1. Avoiding difficult conversations
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Avoiding tough conversations is one thing parents often do without realizing that it can make grown children feel unloved. For the parents, it feels like a kind thing to do. After all, who wants to be uncomfortable or feel sad? Sadly, that's often not how it feels to their kids.
For example, parents might not want to hear that their adult children are struggling to come to terms with the way they were raised, or simply unhappy. But shutting down any discussion around those issues makes their adult children feel unloved and unsupported. Often, their kids just needed to talk and share their feelings. But shutting that down, they may make them feel rejected or even unloved.
For some parents of adult kids, it's a cultural issue or even generational. They simply weren't taught how. Therapist Samara Fabrick says that “expressing positive feelings during a difficult conversation helps both of you feel better during and after the talk.”
“Infuse your conversation with caring, affection, and appreciation,” she advises. “Remember that the goal of communication is to be listened to and understood.”
2. Not sharing how proud they are
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Another thing parents of grown children may not realize does harm to their kids is holding back positive feedback. They may not say they're impressed or proud, thinking it's already known, or maybe thinking it could harm their adult kids in some way.
In reality, kids need to know that their parents take pride in them, not only for what they’ve accomplished, but just for being themselves. This need carries over from childhood into adulthood, which parents aren’t always aware of.
Feeling valued is the foundation for having healthy self-esteem, which is how people learn to take on challenges and feel confident in their ability to do hard things. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Child Psychologylooked at the ways parental praise and feedback impact children’s evaluation of themselves after failure.
The study differentiated between two types of praise: Process praise, which emphasizes effort as the key to success, and person praise, which focuses on fixed traits as the reason someone succeeds.
It turns out, people succeed best when being praised for effort. Not, half-hearted effort, but real effort. And when their hard work is seen, especially by people they respect, they feel affirmed. This is something kids of all ages need from their parents.
3. Treating them like they’re still kids
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Parents don’t realize that treating their adult children like they’re still kids or teenagers makes them feel unloved. This is most often because the child feels stuck, as if the person they are today isn't seen. This is especially true when the parents only seem to see their grown children's mistakes and negative traits.
It’s fairly common for parents to struggle with seeing their kids as independent people, even when they’re grown. They hold onto outdated definitions of who their adult children are, which limits their ability to acknowledge their autonomy.
Grown children need their parents to trust them to make their own decisions, even if those decisions lead them down a path their parents don’t agree with. Watching kids become adults means allowing them to make mistakes, which is essential to their personal growth. It might not be easy for parents to shift their perspective and treat their adult children as adults, but letting go is part of the process of letting them grow up.
4. Imposing their own dreams and goals
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Something parents don’t realize they do that pushes their grown children away is imposing their own life goals onto them. This often happens when the parents don't see or understand their child's dreams, thinking they know what's better for them.
In a report titled My Child Redeems My Broken Dreams: On Parents Transferring Their Unfulfilled Ambitions onto Their Child, researchers determined that parents do, indeed, transfer their own goals onto their kids, confirming something that coaches, kids and educators have long felt to be true.
Parents who expect their kids to follow in their footsteps don’t give them a chance to discover who they are for themselves. They might push their child to go to medical school or be married with kids by the time they’re 30, but it ultimately doesn’t matter what parents want: Their kids’ lives are for them to decide.
All people want to live according to their own set of values and guiding principles. When parents set expectations that don’t match the values their adult children have, they often become sullen or frustrated. It's no wonder the adult kids feel unloved.
5. Defining them by old narratives
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Parents don’t realize that defining their adult children with narratives from their younger years can be incredibly frustrating for a grown child. For example, their youngest child may have been considered the baby of the family, the one who had tantrums and needed a lot of attention.
That child, however, is an adult now and likely doesn't behave that way. If they're told they are, and held to that old story, they can feel trapped and misunderstood, and this may even cause them to fall into an old pattern of behavior. It's also likely that any sadness or frustration they express will be interpreted as being bratty or typical of being the baby of the family rather than taken seriously.
Most adult children move beyond the habits and quirks they had as kids. When parents continue to define their adult children according to past versions of themselves, they don’t give them room to change, which everyone deserves.
6. Not supporting their dreams
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Parents might not see the value in their grown child focusing on art instead of law school, but if they want to make sure their kids feel loved, they should give their adult children space to pursue the lives they want. Being discouraging or pointing out everything that’s wrong with what their kids want to do causes conflict and inevitable heartache.
Psychologist Dr. Sheryl Ziegler shares various personality traits that contribute to having an effective parenting style, noting that being supportive helps to “raise a child who knows they're loved, understands their place in the world and feels secure at any given time.”
“Supportive does not mean you allow your child to do anything they want,” she explains. “It means you validate their feelings, encourage them, and get creative when what they want is not something you can provide or think is best for them.”
“You can be supportive of their desires without compromising what you think is best. Listening, validating, and then creating a plan (or plan b) together is key to letting your child know you support them,” Dr. Ziegler concludes.
By the time kids reach adulthood, they have a strong sense of what they want and how to achieve it. If parents don’t support the dreams their adult children have, they make them feel unloved.
7. Judging their thoughtfully-made choices
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Another thing parents often do that thoughtlessly makes their grown adult children feel unloved is judging the choices they make. Not just the ones that are hastily made or damaging, but even their thouthtful ones, too.
Overall, being raised in a judgmental home can do major damage to someone’s sense of self-worth. Parents might not agree with their adult children’s career goals or the way they’re parenting their own kids, but voicing their criticism is unlikely to change the choices they’ve made.
Adult children tend to internalize what their critical parents say (even if they say they don't!) which can lead them to develop a harsh inner voice that echoes how their parents speak to them.
As certified grief coach Pamela Aloia explains, “Criticism in general begets more criticism. If you are always looking at yourself for things that are wrong, you will tend to view your relationships and all life experiences through that same lens.” And parents of grown-up kids should internalize this.
8. Dismissing their mental health
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Dismissing your adult children's mental health is generally always a mistake. When kids of any age speak up about their struggles with anxiety, depression, or any other psychological issue, they’re actually doing a courageous act of self-care. When parents downplay what their adult children are going through, it makes them feel devalued, and unloved.
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. experience some form of mental illness every year. 50% of all lifelong mental illness starts by age 14 and 75% starts by age 24.
While it’s painful for parents to see their children suffer, ignoring their mental health challenges only serves to reinforce stigma and decrease the likelihood that they’ll get the treatment they need.
9. Being emotionally detached
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Being emotionally detached is a thing parents don’t realize they do that makes their adult children feel unloved. People need affection and emotional reassurance to feel secure, no matter how old they are. Parents who are unwilling or unable to connect on an emotional level with their adult children make them question if they’re loved, at all.
The psychological reasons for detachment include having low emotional intelligence, intergenerational trauma, an insecure attachment style, and poor mental health. Understanding the root causes of emotional detachment can make it easier to accept, although the lack of connection won’t hurt any less.
Adult children with emotionally detached parents often feel out of place or misunderstood. They’re unsure if they’re worth being loved. They’re plagued with self-doubt and the feeling that they’re not good enough. While they might never receive the emotional support they want from their parents, they can start their healing journey by recognizing that they’re absolutely enough, just by virtue of being themselves.
10. Demanding obligatory gratitude
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When parents of adult children demand gratitude, it often is a sign they feel like their kids owe them something. While gratitude is an essential part of any relationship, it can’t be forcibly given, and children (even grown ones!) don't owe their parents their lives. Expecting adult children to thank them constantly is a sign of a parent being emotionally immature and self-centered.
Gratitude, of course, is wonderful. It has enormous benefits for individuals and relationships of all sorts. A study from the journal Developmental Review reported that being grateful leads to higher mental well-being, a more positive mindset, and greater life satisfaction. Parents who model gratitude have children with higher gratitude. The study found links between gratitude and secure parent-child attachment, noting that gratitude stems from supportive, warm parenting.
Gratitude isn’t necessarily given freely, but rather, something that’s earned, even between parents and their grown children.
11. Not showing up in moments of crisis
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Being unavailable when your grown children are in crisis almost always going to make them feel unloved. Everyone hits hard times at some point in their lives, and having the emotional and practical support of the people we love is often the way we make it through. When parents don’t show up for their adult children, it makes them feel abandoned and ultimately unloved.
Being present in moments of crisis doesn’t mean that parents have to drop everything to provide care for their children. They can provide support with small, accessible acts, like talking on the phone every morning, sending a meal, or listening while their child cries it out. Adult children need to feel their parents’ love, just as they did when they were young.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
