11 Rare Things Parents Only Do When They Truly Respect Their Fully Grown Children
Mariia Boiko | ShutterstockWhen you go from an active, full-time parent to someone with fully grown children who need you less, it can be jarring. What is your new role? Do your adult kids still need you? But when parents truly respect their grown kids, the transition is easier.
Whether you're the adult kid in the equation or the empty nester parent, these relationships can be tough to figure out through these changes. But when love and respect are kept at the center of the bond, challenges are easier to overcome by doing a few specific things to keep grown-up kids close but independent.
11 rare things parents only do when they truly respect their fully grown children
1. They only offer their advice when asked
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Many adult children's emotions feel inherently dismissed and invalidated when they're met with unsolicited solutions and unwarranted advice from their parents. Often, this advice isn't about serious, life-altering choices, it's about little things that never really needed to be said.
This is key advice for parents of grown children: let them live their lives, offer advice when they ask for it, and be there to support them when they're ready to share their emotions with you.
Even if they're struggling, you can be a shoulder to cry on without offering advice. Or, simply ask them if they'd like to hear your opinion or advice. This is easy. Try saying, "I have some thoughts and advice on this, if you'd like to hear it. If not, that's OK, too."
Parents that respect their adult children, even when they make mistakes, don't yearn for the "I told you so" moments. Sorry, but that's not love.
2. They respect their grown children's decisions
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Even when adult children have different perspectives and opinions than their families, a tendency that's inherently common with generational gaps and unique adulthood struggles, healthy parents make space to discuss without judgement or unnecessary criticism. Yes, they share their opinion or side during conversation, but they do so respectfully, as they would with any other adult they care about.
Like counselor Dr. Rachel Glik argues, shifting values and changes to the status quo often place a tension on parent-child relationships in adulthood, as children begin to form their own ideas, mindsets, and opinions outside of their childhood homes.
However, maintaining a space for understanding, even if it's compromise rather than similarities, is essential for parents and their adult kids.
3. They don't use guilt trips
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Psychologist Lynn Margolies argues that many insecure people rely on guilt-tripping their adult children as a means of emotional control. In no uncertain terms, she calles it emotional blackmail.
Healthy parents who respect their adult children's lives and decisions don't rely on this toxic tendency, and instead value the time they do get to spend with their families without casting an aura of judgment in conversations and interactions.
4. They offer support and help when needed
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Without the unnecessary criticism and judgment present in toxic parent-child relationships, the healthiest of parents make space to genuinely support their kids when they're struggling. Yes, even their fully grown children.
From career to their health or personal lives, adult children find security and comfort in conversations with their parents, especially when there's a foundation of respect. That is, as long as the parent respects their grown child's autonomy and doesn't assume the kid always wants (or needs) their support.
Sometimes, parents need to open the door to vulnerability with their adult kids to help them feel comfortable and supported in expressing their emotions and struggles.
5. They speak highly, but realistically, of their grown kids
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An article reiewed by family practitioner Melinda Ratini suggests that toxic parents often struggle with an innate sense of insecurity that impacts every aspect of their lives. This impulse urges them to seek control and judge harshly, even at the expense of their closest relationships. And even with their own grown children.
In contrast, parents that respect their adult kids don't feel that need for control over their image or superiority; rather, they open themselves up to vulnerability to support the people in their lives.
By speaking highly of their kids, even behind their backs, they ensure their kids feel supported and loved from a distance. By doing so realistically, without bragging, they show they're able to respect who their kids are, not just who they want the world to see.
6. They set and respect boundaries
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Boundaries are useful and necessary in all relationships, but especially as a foundation to building a healthy family dynamic between adult children and their parents. Ideally, the process of setting and enforcing boundaries began when they were kids, still living at home.
As they reach adolescence, the healthy and normal process of individuation pushes kids to start differentiating themselves from their parents. They want to learn who they are and what they believe in. While it may be uncomfortable for parents at first, the kids start setting boundaries so they can develop and grow in this way.
The parents not only need to respect these boundaries, when safe and healthy, they also need to set their own and enforce them. When parents assert their own boundaries, especially early in their children's lives, they teach them the importance of respect in ways that benefit their relationships later on.
7. They celebrate their grown child's independence
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Many parents struggle with viewing their adult children in their independent identities. They know their kids are grown up, but when they look at them, part of them still sees a little kid or a wild teen.
Worse, some parents see their grown children as extensions of themselves, viewing their child's actions through a lens of "that's not what I would do, therefore it's wrong!"
Healthy relationships between parent and grown child are founded on mutual respect, understanding, and trust. As a study published in the Journal of Adolescence argues, trust is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship, especially between children and their parents.
8. They don't belittle or patronize
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Therapist Ana M. Aluisy argues that dealing with disrespectful parents as an adult child can easily trigger us to regress back into our adolescent behaviors and childish tendencies. Almost on cue, as soon as a parent acts patronizing or belittles their adult child, they may start whining, acting bratty or snapping, even if they're usually very mature!
That's a big reason why parents who respect their fully grown children tend to have better relationships. It's not just that their kids want to be around them more, it's also that their grown kids act more like full-grown adults compared to ones who are triggered into childish behavior.
9. They invite their children into conversations
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One of the most meaningful gestures anyone can offer someone is to make space for them in a conversation. This is exactly the same for adult children. When appropriate, it can be meaningful for kids of any age.
For example, when you're involved in a conversation with others, a parent can pause and ask their child what they think. When the child shares an opinion, instead of dismissing it, they can acknowledge it and show respect in front of others. It seems simple, but it means so much.
When we don't feel heard, we don't feel respected, after all.. When we're not being actively supported, generally in life or passingly in conversation, it's easy to feel unloved. As Bruce Y. Lee, MD, says, "From the day you are born, being seen and heard by others are basic human needs."
If your parents are constantly over-explaining things to you, devaluing your opinion in conversation, or actively taking away space for you to express your thoughts and emotions, chances are you won't feel respected. If they do this in front of other people, you may even feel humiliated.
10. They celebrate your accomplishments and success
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Parents who respect their grown children don't hesitate to celebrate their wins in life, even if they're struggling or going through a rough patch of their own. Their kids' joy is their joy.
Insecure parents who are more concerned with their own image and ego might try to take away from their own child's success, or maybe even try to make it into their own win. They'll say their kids succeed because of them. They taught them the skill, they drove that child to practice or paid tuition.
Great parents let their kids shine. They celebrate together.
11. They take care of their own well-being, too
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When you've raised a child for 18 years, supported them after through college or their early career years, putting your child first becomes a habit. For many parents, the empty nest feels incredibly lonely, and their mission in life is lost.
Parents who don't fully respect their grown children's independence may then play the victim, asking for their child to come home more or even feign illness to get their kid's attention. They may sabotage a relationship when it seems like their grown child might be getting serious.
When parents truly respect their grown children, they invest in their own well-being. They take care of their health, they find ways to nurture their interests and hobbies. They find new friends or grow their current friendships.
Instead of sabotaging their independence and sparking anxiety in their interactions, healthy parents invest into their own personal well-being so they can show up better for their adult kids (and themselves!).
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
