12 Phrases Toxic Parents Say To Control Their Adult Children
BearFotos | Sutterstock Very few parents set out to be toxic toward their adult children. Often, they feel out-of-control as their kids grow up, and they start feeling a desperate need to regain some control, somehow. Unfortunately, this usually comes out as unkind or manipulative phrases that push their kids away.
For these adult children, it's rarely a big surprise. After all, a generally fantastic parent doesn't just start being mean when their kids grow up. However, letting your grown kids go can trigger old behaviors both people hoped the parent had grown past, like saying these 12 unkind, manipulative phrases.
12 phrases toxic parents say to control their adult children
1. 'I expected more from you'
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Adult kids not feeling like they're "enough" in their parents' eyes can create huge problems in a family dynamic and undermine a person's confidence for life. When parents say things like, "I expect more from you" in casual conversation, it's basically saying to them that they're not good enough. And by beating down their self-esteem, they often become more malleable and easier to control.
There are, of course, times when a phrase like this is just the simple truth and may be appropriate. For example, if their adult child is doing things that hurt others, like cheating on their spouse, committing crimes or being overtly hurtful to someone else. In these cases, a serious conversation is totally appropriate, including a parent making clear that their kid is not living up to their potential.
But when it comes to things like earning money or other status-related qualities, this is toxic parenting behavior.
2. 'Why aren't you like your sibling?'
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Comparing children with others, including their siblings, often sparks negative self-esteem and resentment in family dynamics. This is also true for families with adult kids. You don't stop wanting to be seen and loved just because you grow up.
With the rise of social media also came an increase in comparison culture. We can see what other people are doing, and it's hard not to look at yourself (or your own family) and compare. For toxic parents, their cousin Sally's daughter graduating medical school might trigger jealousy and insecurity. Next thing you know, they're asking their own kids why they aren't more like Sally's kid.
When siblings are compared in this way, not only does it make the one who comes up as "less-than" feel bad, it damages the sibling relationship. Once the siblings are fractured, the parent can gain control over one more easily.
3. 'I guess I'm just a bad mom'
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Few things are more toxic when coming from a parent than passive aggression and self-pity. And saying things like, "I guess I'm a terrible dad" or "Maybe I'm just the worst mom" are peak examples of this.
Usually, this happens when an adult child wants to talk to their parents about something from the past that hurt them, or maybe something they're doing now that is causing harm. Instead of hearing them, validating their feelings, and apologizing for their experience, a toxic parent will do their best to control the conversation by turning themselves into the victim.
Healthy parents know that if your child comes to you to discuss their childhood, arguing that they're struggling because of your relationship or a traumatic event from their childhood, defensiveness is never the answer. You don't have to agree with their interpretation of the experience, but you do need to hear them out, validate their feelings, and apologize when appropriate.
4. 'You have it so much easier than I did'
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Toxic parents control their adult kids by making them feel bad for saying something negative or raising an issue. Maybe their kid is having trouble with a bad boss or is struggling with student loans. Instead of hearing the child and recognizing their struggle, they'll say something like, "You have it so easy!" and compare that experience with their own.
When people feel heard and understood in their relationships, whether that's with a parent or a partner, they generally have a much healthier relationship, at least according to a study from the Journal of Humanistic Psychology. Being heard doesn't always mean everyone agrees, it just means that the person who is speaking isn't being shut down.
Instead of dismissing your kids' struggles with a phrase like "You have it so much easier than I did" or trying to compare your early adulthood with theirs, consider being a shoulder to lean on. Find ways to support them without trying to "solve" their problems or subtly judge their emotions — that's how you find the balance of a healthy parent-child relationship.
5. 'Welcome to being an adult!'
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Toxic parents have a tendency to be dismissive, especially towards their children's emotions. While it stems from their own need for attention and generally narcissistic tendencies like avoiding accountability and discomfort, this type of phrase can help parents control their adult children.
If your adult child is struggling or coming to you to vent, don't dismiss them with a phrase like "Welcome to adulting." It not only minimizes what your kids are going through, it makes it so they don't see you as someone they can trust.
Counselor Dr. Rachel Glik explains that uncomfortable conversations are a necessary part of having a healthy relationship with adult kids. You have to be tough, but it's well worth it to be a bit uncomfortable. Your child needs you to be supportive, and if you need to give them a reality check, you can do it without being toxic and making them feel bad for having a tough time.
6. 'You need to do this'
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A large cause of resentment in parents from their adult children is their tendency to dish out unsolicited advice. Worse, that advice is often framed as a demand, with "you need to" or "you must" rather than a suggestion or as a result of brainstorming alongside an adult child.
Healthy parents ask their adult kids questions like, "Are you looking for a listening ear right now or would you like solutions?" before giving advice. As a result, their kids tend to go straight to them for advice, and take their suggestions to heart.
Like psychologist Judith Tutin shares, even if you're struggling as a parent to view your child in their adult identity, that doesn't make them any less grown. Toxic parents seem to believe their perception of their kids is the truth. Maybe this is them grasping for control, or maybe they're emotionally immature. Regardless of the reason, adult kids are their own people and issues like this need to be handled more delicately.
If you can relate as a parent, allow them come to you for advice whenever possible; otherwise, serve as the safe, supportive, and comfortable parent they're leaning on for sheer emotional support and listening.
7. 'You don't have a choice'
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Attempting to control an adult child's choices is not only the sign of an overbearing parent, but a generally toxic one. Of course, ther are exceptions to this, for example if their grown kid is in an emergency situation, but in a case like that, the message needs to be delivered in a compassionate way.
Instead of letting their kids find their way in the world, deal with their own struggles, and form their own identities, toxic parents continue to overstep boundaries. And without those boundaries, the adult kid likely feels emotionally unsafe with their parents.
Adult children know themselves better than their parents, especially toxic ones, and can make their own decisions in their lives. Once parents recognize that, they can start moving forward together toward a healthier relationship.
8. 'You never come home anymore'
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Feeling inherently entitled to their adult kids' time, energy, and presence, many toxic parents will use phrases like this as a means to guilt-trip their kids and control their choices. Instead of accepting that their adult children have their own big, wonderful lives keeping them busy, they want to make them feel bad for not visiting.
According to psychologist Lynn Margolies PhD, bad parents who rely on guilt-tripping generally lack self-awareness, are confused with their emotions, and are desperately looking for a way to cope with their discomfort. And, yes, it's sad for parents to feel like their adult kids don't want to come home. But instead of talking about it directly and compassionately, a toxic parent will try to find a way to hurt their kid back.
9. 'You like your new life better than us'
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It can be hard to take on a new role in a relationship that's been all-consuming for the last few decades, as parenting is. That shift can be upsetting for parents, especially when their kids move further away or settle down with a new partner and have a family of their own.
Of course, it's not going to be easy, and struggling with the transition doesn't make you a bad parent. However, toxic parents tend to let their frustration and sadness manifest into guilt-tripping and shame, directed at their adult children. Sadly, this pushes their kids even further away, causing a self-fulfilling cycle of distance that's often the opposite of the parent's goal.
Instead of letting their adult children live their adult lives, they guilt them into coming home. This may feel like control to the toxic parent in the moment, but that control is an illusion, as it likely won't turn out well for anyone involved.
10. 'You don't know what you're talking about'
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According to a Pew Research Center report, nearly 20% of parents believe their relationship with their adult children is "average to poor," often stemming from constant conflict, disagreements, and lacking boundaries. If you talk to young adults, they'll tell you that their parents do things that undermine their trust, like many of the behaviors and phrases listed in this list.
For some reason, parents want to continue treating their adult kids like children, and sometimes even worse. They then say patronizing things like, "You don't know what you're talking about" which is an overtly rude way to phrase a disagreement. Not only are they saying they disagree, they're implying their child is stupid or ignorant, which is totally inappropriate.
11. 'You need to grow up'
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There's a push-pull feeling inside parents of adult children that can be hard to handle well, even for a great mom or dad. It's a feeling like your child is still a child in many ways all while understanding that they are adults and expecting them to behave as such. For toxic parents, this can come out with rude and unhelpful phrases like, "You need to grow up!"
By utilizing a phrase like this in conversation, parents inadvertently assert their dominance over their adult kids, even at the expense of the health of their relationship. Phrases like this only spark disconnected family dynamics, where adult kids feel unheard and unappreciated by their parents for things they can't change.
12. 'I don't need to apologize to you'
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Many toxic parents, especially those with narcissistic tendencies, tend to shift blame away from themselves and onto their children to protect their own image and emotional stability. When their adult child says something hurt them, from the past or even today, the parent simply will not apologize.
This may be because their parent wasn't taught to give apologies. Maybe they were never given an apology by their own parents, and thus they believe parents don't have to apologize to children.
The problem is that, without apologies, unresolved resentful feelings can grow and cause serious damage to the family dynamic that everyone feels echoing out.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
