Parents Who Reject Gentle Parenting But Still Care About Their Kids’ Self-Esteem Often Say 5 Expert-Backed Phrases
Yan Krukau | CanvaKids want boundaries. Boundaries show them where to explore and how, and they set them up for future success in many areas of life. But how do you set boundaries with kids in a way that enhances their self-esteem? For starters, setting healthy boundaries with your kids has a lot to do with the boundaries you set for yourself.
Parents who reject gentle parenting often say these expert-backed phrases:
1. 'I love you, but I need a break'
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Marriage coach Susan Allan has found saying, "I love you, honey, and mommy needs thirty minutes, so please do your homework, and I'll come back and check on you in thirty minutes," to be beneficial for setting a boundary that doesn't damage a child's self-esteem or a parent's patience.
2. 'I understand why you want to, but....'
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When setting boundaries around activities or behaviors, the first step is to validate that a child or teen wants to do something that makes sense to them, advises psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline. If you deem it unsafe or think they aren't ready, start by acknowledging their desire.
Then, explain why it isn't possible yet and, if appropriate, lay out the future circumstances when it might be. This will help them feel listened to and acknowledged instead of simply shut down.
If you are setting boundaries about inappropriate language or actions related to safety issues, sit down and have a family discussion about anger, aggression, and blow-ups. Talk about everyone's expectations during meltdowns and create a plan with a non-cooperation clause. Then, during an outburst, follow your agreement, remind your kids of it, and if they can't regulate themselves, use the non-cooperation plan.
3. 'Being true to yourself means everything'
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Helping your child recognize how unique they are builds enough self-esteem that others won't convince them to break boundaries, personal development coach Jan Bowen says. Show them they have a unique mix of skills, quirks, physical traits, etc., and that the world is better when they let it all shine.
Just know, your child won’t believe "being true to yourself" means anything if, in the next breath, you’re comparing them to peers or siblings (whether about their grades, looks, talents, or personality) or say, "Why can’t you get straight As and be more outgoing like your sister?"
Your kids are also watching to see how bravely you shine your authentic self in the world. Do you constantly hide your true feelings, beliefs, or talents? Children are excellent truth detectors and can tell whether you're practicing the advice you give about the value of authenticity. If they constantly overhear you criticizing and judging others for being unique, don’t be surprised when your child buckles under peer pressure and desperately tries to fit in.
4. 'Let's take a beat'
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Dr. Saline also recommends pausing, taking a short break, and coming back to this later. Or, right now, we need to stop, breathe, and regroup. Or say, "What's happening right now isn't working for either of us. Let's slow things down and zoom out before going any further."
5. 'No' — but mean it
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In the short term, this will not make them happy (and might even feel like bad parenting), but in the long run, it will pay off, recommends psychotherapist Lianne Avila. Kids don't have to be happy all the time.
I'm sure while you were growing up, your parents said "no," and now you can see why. This will also help your kids set boundaries for themselves. When children don't hear the word "no", they don't learn to say the word "no" either.
Listening when your child says "no" is one of the best things you can do. When a child feels like you are truly listening, they feel loved and know how to express boundaries.
The most valuable part of setting good boundaries with children is the lifelong impact it will have on all of their adult relationships. When you set boundaries that make sense and stick to them, you model for your child how to maintain boundaries in a world that might otherwise ignore them.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
