People Who Had Parents Who Rarely Noticed Them Often End Up With 5 Strengths As Adults
Capuski | CanvaTruth be told, people who grew up feeling emotionally neglected or totally unnoticed by their parents are some of the strongest adults I have ever met. Yes, it's hard to believe, but there is a bright side to growing up emotionally ignored. As a psychologist who specializes in childhood emotional neglect, I'd like to highlight the particular strengths you likely have as an adult if you grew up this way.
People with parents who rarely noticed them usually have these adult strengths:
1. They are fiercely independent
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Growing up, you knew, even though it was perhaps never said out loud, that you were essentially on your own. Problem with a teacher? You solved it. Conflict with a friend? You figured it out yourself. Your childhood was a training ground for self-sufficiency. Now, as an adult, you prefer to do things yourself. Because you're so very competent, the great thing is that, for the most part, you can.
When a child's emotional needs are consistently unmet, they tend to learn that relying on others can lead to disappointment. Research supports that while healthy independence is a positive trait to nurture, hyper-independence can lead to isolation and difficulty maintaining stable relationships.
2. People who weren't noticed are extra sensitive to other people's feelings
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As a child, your feelings were far too often ignored. But that probably didn't stop you from feeling for others. Research has shown that even young babies feel empathy. I've noticed that many people who were emotionally neglected in childhood have a harder time accessing their own feelings, but have extra sensitivity to other people's feelings. Compassion is a powerful, healing, and bonding force, and people who grew up unnoticed have it in spades.
3. They are extremely generous
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Having received a scarce amount of emotional acknowledgment and validation in childhood, you learned not to ask for things. Part of being independent and compassionate is that you are more aware of others' needs than you are of your own. So now, as an adult, you don't ask for a lot, but you do give a lot.
4. People like this are flexible and go-with-the-flow
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As a child, you were probably not often consulted. Instead of being asked what you wanted or needed, you had no choice but to adjust to the situation at hand. So now, all grown up, you're not demanding, pushy, or controlling. Instead, you're the opposite. You can go with the flow far better than most people.
5. Unnoticed people are immensely compassionate
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People who grew up unnoticed are some of the most likable in this world. Compassionate, giving, and selfless, you are the one your friends seek out when they need help, advice, or support. You are there for your family and friends, and maybe even strangers, too.
Others know that they can rely on you. Are you ever puzzled about why people like you? It's because you have these five unmistakably lovable qualities. You don't want to feel dependent on anyone, including a therapist, friend, or spouse. You're afraid of appearing needy, weak, or helpless. You have a grave fear of becoming selfish. But here is the beauty of growing up unnoticed by your parents: Your strengths are so enduring that you can make them even better by balancing them.
So you remain independent, but you lose your fear of depending on someone when you need to. You remain as competent as you've always been, but you're okay with asking for help when you need it. You stay flexible and can go with the flow, but you are also aware and mindful of your own needs. You can still handle things. You're just as strong as ever. More balanced and more open, you're still loved and respected by all who know you — and the great thing is that now you also love and respect yourself.
Jonice Webb, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and best-selling author of two self-help books. She specializes in childhood emotional neglect, relationships, communication issues, and mental health. Dr. Webb has appeared on CBS News and NPR, and her work has been cited by many publications.
