People With Amazing Parents Usually Grew Up Learning These 10 Old-Fashioned Life Lessons
Studio CJ | CanvaThis week, my daughter turned ten, and two things occurred to me: One, how the heck do I have a 10-year-old? Is a real adult going to show up and help out with this sometime soon? And two: there are so many things I want to tell her now before she is in the onslaught of middle school and too cool to listen.
When she is an adult, I want her to look back at her childhood and see the old-fashioned lessons I taught her, and know her mom was there for her to prepare her. Even though she may have disliked parts of the process of growing up, the results were great.
Old-fashioned life lessons that people with amazing parents grew up learning:
1. Everything is going to be okay in the end
And, if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. We’ve had some tough times, and you’ll have a lot of tough times on your own — but it’s worth it. Going through tough stuff builds character and teaches you compassion.
I can trace some of the best stuff in my life right now to things that were hard when I was going through them. So when things seem like they are impossible, or you’re never going to feel better, just know you’ll eventually look back at them in amazement. It’s going to be okay.
2. Face your feelings instead of escaping them
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You’re going to try stuff; I’m OK with that. Most of us do, whether it’s bumming a cigarette from a friend you think is cooler than you, getting drunk at a party, or smoking pot because it feels like everyone else but you has.
But here’s the thing: all of that stuff is just another way not to be present and to numb your feelings. But here's the thing: Being present, feeling your feelings, and being aware of what’s happening is pretty awesome. When you try to push away those feelings of being uncool with alcohol or drugs (or food, or shopping, or doom-scrolling), they don’t go away.
Eventually, you’re going to have to deal with them, and life gets exponentially better when you do. (And on a side note, if things get out of hand and you aren’t sure what to do, call me. And if you’re too embarrassed to call me, call your cool uncle Charles.)
3. Figure out what you love and own it completely
If you spend your life trying to define yourself by what someone else loves, you’re going to be miserable. Try things, try everything. See what makes you hear music inside and what makes your heart swell, and then go do it. Find out everything you can about it. Find other people who love it too.
If you waste time pretending to like something because other people you think are cool like it, you’re going to end up with the wrong people in your life. Love what you love and be yourself. You end up finding people — your people — who genuinely fit that way.
4. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes
We can’t make anything valuable without making mistakes. Not a painting, not a relationship, not a career — not a life. If you wait until you have it all figured out to try, you'll be waiting forever. I still don’t have it all figured out, but I keep at it. Mistakes aren’t failures; they’re how we learn.
"Our failures create the stairs that lead to success. No one in history set out to do something amazing and then just did it," advised life coach Erika Jordan. "There was endless trial and error. Failure is not a destination. It's a stepping stone."
5. You deserve respect
You deserve it from me, from your dad, your friends, your teachers — from everyone in your life. The best way to receive respect from others is to begin by respecting yourself. Speak clearly and keep your head up. Stand up for what you believe. Make choices that you feel good about.
And if someone in your life is being disrespectful‚ call them on it. If it doesn’t change, limit the amount of time and influence they have in your life. We need people in our lives who challenge us and disagree with us, so we can learn new perspectives. We don’t need to be constantly torn down by people who don’t respect us.
6. Love yourself first
The first person who catches your eye isn’t “the one,” and probably not the second, third, or fourth either. Do you know why? It’s because you are the one. Love isn’t something out there somewhere that someone else can give to you. It’s already inside you.
It’s that golden part of each of us that makes us alive. Some of the best moments in life are when we truly connect with someone else and share the love we have inside with them, but don’t ever forget to love yourself first.
When you start by loving and respecting yourself, it makes giving that to other people infinitely better. You’re going to meet so many amazing people in your life, and I hope that at least once you meet someone to share that love with and truly find a partnership. Before you do, fall in love with your own life, because no one else can do that for you.
7. Romance and love are not the same
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Physical Intimacy with someone you love is a wonderful thing. It also isn’t the only thing. You’re going to have first kisses that you feel down to your toes and think “Omg, I love them,” but really, you loved the kiss. You are going to see someone and feel something that feels like movie love, but is just phenomenal chemistry.
"Chemistry can fool you because that’s where the love/addict gene is stored," explained psychotherapist Joan E. Childs. "Every neuron in your brain has hard-working receptors on its surface that send and receive messages using molecules called neurotransmitters. Receptors are involved in tolerance, codependency, and addiction. So, it’s not you falling in love; it’s your receptors making that choice."
You are going to explore this part of your life with people who aren’t in it for the long haul — and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is fascinating. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story; sometimes they're just a chapter. It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over and let go gracefully.
8. Kindness is always an appropriate response
When you get to be an adult, you’ll forget a lot of the stuff that seemed so important in high school and college. You won’t remember what your GPA was. You will look at your old classmates on Instagram and wonder why you ever had a crush on that girl.
You will look at your old yearbooks and wonder what you were thinking with that haircut. But you will never forget the genuinely kind people who helped when you were hurt, who loved you, even when you felt unlovable. Be that person to your friends.
9. No one has all the answers
Right now, you guys think I have all the answers. I know a time is going to come to a close pretty quickly here, but in a way, I’m glad. One of the greatest gifts my parents gave me wasn’t their wisdom, but setting the example that adults aren’t static: they keep growing. They keep learning. When they find one way that doesn’t work, they get up and try another one.
Real maturity is letting go of what doesn’t work and being open to trying something else. You’re going to make your own mistakes and find your answers, and while you’re sorting it out, I am always here to listen.
10. It’s never too late for a life that makes you proud
If you don’t learn anything else from me, learn this: There’s no age limit on changing your course, and to settle in and be stuck in a life that isn’t authentic is a tragic waste.
We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of.
If you find that you’re not, I hope you dare to start all over again. I love you. Go make brilliant mistakes and fall in love with your life.
Kate Bartolotta is a freelance writer and author who has been featured in The Huffington Post, Be You Media Group, Yoga International, Thought Catalog, The Tattooed Buddha, a Beauty Full Mind, Elephant Journal, and more.
