Mom Says The Way Your Kids Treat You Once They're Adults Reflects How You Made Them Feel Growing Up
Lucigerma | Shutterstock Parents are often surprised when their adult children choose to have no contact with them, even if there was drama and strife throughout the kids' childhood. Often, parents blame their kids, calling them ungrateful or uncaring. But are the kids really the ones to blame?
According to mom Erin O'Regan, the way your grown kids treat you is likely a reflection of how they felt growing up. If you made them feel unimportant or disrespected them, that's how they learned to treat family.
Grown kids treat their parents the way they were treated as kids
O'Regan, who creates online parenting content, called this a "hard parenting pill to swallow," writing, "How your kids treat you when they are no longer in need of food and shelter is a direct reflection of how you made them feel when they needed you to survive."
She explained that, while nuance does exist in certain cases and individual situations, most adult children have no desire to cut contact with their parents and actually are willing to put in a fair amount of work to have a good relationship with them.
"We are biologically hard-wired to want it," O'Regan wrote. "And if we feel we can’t have it anymore, then it’s because we were left no choice," she insisted.
The hard truth can save your relationship with grown kids
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In response, mom Crystal Allon, revealed that she connected deeply with O'Regan's insight. She said that the relationship she has with her own mother is a direct reflection of how she was treated during her childhood. Especially from the times when she needed her mother the most.
Now, as a parent herself, she understands how hard it can be for parents to realize this. "This is very hard for parents to come to terms with. I think a lot of parents go, 'That's not true,' this [other thing] is where the disconnect comes."
Many parents in this situation argue that they loved their children during their childhoods, and gave them everything they needed to survive and flourish. However, a question arises from this insistence. Did you give your child everything you thought they needed, or did you give them everything they needed from their perspective?
Allon admitted that she might not have done that all the time with her kids, but she hadn't healed her previous childhood trauma and was often extremely triggered that she couldn't be there and present for her kids. When things were going smoothly, she was there, but as soon as something triggered her, it was as if a switch flipped and she was pulling away.
"As my kids grew up and they started to distance themselves from me, I kind of went, 'What's happening here?' I looked at myself and now that I'm looking back on my children's childhood, I'm recognizing some stuff that I really missed the mark on."
It's not the child's responsibility to mend this fence
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It's never a child's responsibility to tell their parents where they went wrong, and it isn't an adult child's responsibility to mend a broken relationship that was created by either one or both of their parents.
As someone who had a fraught relationship with one of my parents, I felt almost like it was my duty to fix things and go above and beyond to bridge that gap that existed between us when I was a child.
It's a parent's job to learn and understand how to be a parent in the first place, but unless they heal and acknowledge the trauma they experienced when they were kids, they won't ever be able to be the best version of themselves for their own children.
The last decision anyone wants to make is to cut contact with their parent, but if the situation is too toxic and is no longer serving them, or if a parent refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing, it ends up being the only choice.
What parents of young kids can do now
"And for the parents now, we are in it for the long haul," writes O'Regan. "When our children no longer need us, they’re going to treat us how we made them feel; let’s make them feel like the sun rises and sets with them."
That means being consistent, prioritizing time together, talking instead of lecturing and so much more. Find the joy in your child and focus on that instead of what's going wrong. Oh, and get into therapy. Your old wounds and pain are likely the biggest obstacle standing between you and your child, both now and forever.
Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news, and lifestyle writer whose work delves into modern-day issues and experiences.
