People In Mentally & Emotionally Deep Friendships Say 11 Things When The Other Is Struggling
Lomb | ShutterstockHaving a close friend beside you can make even the hardest days feel a little less overwhelming. Being in a bad mood or going through a difficult time is a normal part of being human, no matter how hard some people try to live by a "positive vibes only" mindset. No one feels happy and hopeful all the time, and pretending otherwise can make someone feel even more alone when they're struggling.
What matters is having friends who don't judge your feelings or immediately try to fix everything for you. People in emotionally deep friendships respond with empathy and patience when the other person is struggling. What they say makes it clear that their support doesn't disappear just because life has gotten hard.
People in deep friendships say these 11 things when their friend is struggling:
1. 'I can see that you're struggling, and I want you to know I care'
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The phrase "I see you're struggling and I want you to know how much I care" is a low-pressure way to express concern. The speaker acknowledges what the other person is going through, without pushing them to talk if they're not ready. With the second part of the phrase, the speaker shares their support and affection in a way that doesn't put undue pressure on the person who's in a bad mood.
The brilliance of this phrase lies in its innate emotional intelligence. According to Mental Health America, emotional intelligence can be defined as "the ability to manage both your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you." While we can't control anyone else's emotions aside from our own, having a basic understanding of how others feel informs how we interact with them.
Having emotional intelligence is often framed as a "soft skill," yet it's a key part of managing conflict and being a strong communicator, both of which are necessary for personal and professional success. When someone's in a bad mood, emotionally supportive friends act from a place of empathy, which lets them hold space for difficult emotions.
2. 'It’s okay to feel whatever you're feeling right now'
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People often equate having hard feelings with being vulnerable, and they equate vulnerability with weakness. They judge themselves for how they feel, which ultimately makes them feel even worse.
As psychologist Nick Wignall explained, "A common sign of low emotional intelligence is that people criticize themselves for having difficult emotions. They think it's bad or wrong to feel afraid. They think it's shameful to feel sad. They think it's a sign of weakness that they get angry."
"People with high emotional intelligence understand that just because something feels bad doesn't mean it is bad. So they treat themselves instead with compassion and kindness when they feel bad," he concluded.
By telling someone that it's okay to be in a bad mood, people in emotionally deep friendships share the wisdom that comes with having high emotional intelligence.
3. 'Would it help if I stayed with you for a while?'
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When someone's in a bad mood, emotionally supportive friends say, "Would it help if I kept you company?" They offer their physical presence as a way to support the other person, but they're not hurt or offended if that person says no or wants to be alone. When friends ask someone in a bad mood if they want company, they're essentially asking if they want to practice co-regulation.
Lauren Marchette, a psychiatry lecturer at Harvard Medical School, described co-regulation as "a supportive, interactive, and dynamic process." Co-regulating is the method parents and primary caregivers use to teach kids to regulate their emotions, and it's a useful skill even in adulthood.
Marchette shared one way the co-regulation process can work, noting that "First, the parent needs to pause and self-regulate their own emotions, such as by taking a deep breath. The next steps are validating the child's feelings, observing the child's response, and then deciding how to respond next."
Sometimes, just sitting beside someone who's in a bad mood is the balm they need, which is why people in emotionally deep friendships ask if they'd like some company.
4. 'I'm here if you want to talk about it'
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People in emotionally deep friendships know that there's no point in making someone process how they feel before they're ready. They let the other person know that they're available and willing to lend an ear or even a shoulder to cry on, but they don't rush anything.
As YourTango expert Dr. Barbara Winter explained, knowing how to listen is the cornerstone of strong communication. She advised people to seek out "moments of connection" and to meet each other where they are, not where they expect to be. "Connection improves not only intimacy but also emotional regulation and resilience," Dr. Winter concluded.
5. 'I’ll listen whenever you're ready to share'
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The phrase "I'm here when you're ready to share" can ease the anxiety people feel when they're at a low point in their lives, especially those two simple words: "I'm here."
All too often, people in the midst of an emotional crisis worry that they're a burden to the people they love. They bury their true feelings because they don't want to bother anyone. They put on a mask and pretend everything's fine, when really, they're swimming against the current, trying to keep their head above water.
Holding hard feelings inside only amplifies them, until they become too heavy to ignore any longer. Sharing how you feel leaves your heart wide open, which is admittedly scary. By surrounding yourself with emotionally supportive friends who know that being vulnerable is the only way to create lasting connections, you've given yourself a soft place to land, surrounded by people who love you, no matter what.
6. 'What can I do to support you right now?'
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The genius of this phrase is how specific it is. By asking what they can do right now, in this exact moment, emotionally supportive friends lift some of the weight that comes with being in a bad mood. It's not always easy to identify what you want or need, even when you feel good, let alone when you feel low.
If someone is struggling so much that they can't answer the question, friends can try a different approach. They can share a few practical tasks they don't mind doing, like bringing over a home-cooked meal, ordering delivery, or running errands.
This phrase works because it dives right to the core of the issue. It essentially announces, "I can't fix how you feel, but I can be of service while you work through your emotions."
7. 'Your feelings are valid, even when they're difficult'
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This phrase shows how emotional intelligence can benefit everyone, not just the person who's highly emotionally intelligent. Emotional nuances exist and deserve to be validated, and the only thing wrong with being in a bad mood is not feeling it fully.
Wignall outlined the importance of emotional validation, noting that "people with high emotional intelligence validate their emotions. They identify and acknowledge their feelings. And then remind themselves that it's okay to feel any kind of feeling; that it doesn't make them bad or unsafe."
"Your emotions are always valid even if they're painful or unhelpful," he continued. "It's a lot easier to accept your painful emotions when you are in the habit of validating them first."
"There's no sadness dial you can simply adjust down, just like there's no happiness button you simply press to feel better," Wignall concluded, making it clear that the only way out of a bad mood is to move through it.
8. 'Do you want advice, or do you just need me to listen?'
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When someone we love is in distress, it's easy to fall into being an emotional fixer. We can't stand to see them struggle, so we try to make everything better and fix how they feel. Wanting to fix someone's feelings is a normal reaction to witnessing their pain, but assuming the fixer role doesn't solve anything. Becoming a fixer leads to resentment and emotional burnout, and it doesn't make the other person hurt any less.
As Wignall explained, "Trying to 'fix' other people's painful emotions is invalidating. Emotionally intelligent people are willing to accept other people's bad moods and difficult emotions just as they do their own."
"They acknowledge and validate other people's feelings without trying to make them go away or distract from them," he continued. "While counterintuitive, this approach of being accepting of other people's difficult feelings tends to lead to much healthier and happier relationships in the long run."
9. 'You only have to take this one step at a time'
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"Take it one step at a time" is a phrase emotionally supportive friends say when someone's in a bad mood. They're fully aware that healing is a long and winding journey, one that's rarely linear. When they say this phrase, they give permission to the person who's in a bad mood to move at their own pace.
They reassure them that emotional processing isn't a race or a competition, but rather something to approach mindfully. According to the Gottman Institute, mindfulness is the "key to learning how to deal with difficult emotions."
"Practicing mindfulness enables you to calm down and soothe yourself. In this state, you have space to reflect and thoughtfully respond, rather than react," they explained. "Through mindful acceptance, you can embrace difficult feelings with compassion, awareness, and understanding towards yourself. Opening yourself up to your emotions allows you to create a space of awareness, curiosity, and expansiveness."
10. 'You don't have to pretend around me'
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As Wignall pointed out, running away from difficult emotions or pretending to feel better than you really do is a recipe for making a bad mood even worse.
"Emotional intelligence is the ability to work with your emotions instead of fighting them or running away," he explained, noting that the tendency to use "vague, overly abstract or metaphorical terms" to describe emotions is a sign that someone has low emotional intelligence.
"Intellectualized emotions are a form of avoidance. And the more you avoid your painful emotions, the more afraid of them you become. This leads to a vicious cycle of compounding painful emotions: Feeling afraid of feeling angry; feeling ashamed of feeling sad," Wignall added.
"People with low emotional intelligence tend to avoid difficult emotions, which means that they lose touch with how those emotions feel in their bodies," he continued. "But when you understand that emotions are not bad or dangerous no matter how painful they feel, you tend to accept them and learn to live with them."
11. 'You're doing the best you can right now, and that's enough'
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Saying, "You're doing the best you can, and that's enough," to someone who is in a bad mood sends an honest message of how true self-love and radical self-acceptance actually work. It declares that we are always enough, even when we're in a bad mood, even if we struggle to navigate how we feel.
This phrase works because it emphasizes an essential truth of the human condition: No matter how low you feel, you're inherently worthy of love, compassion, and care, at all times.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
