Kids Raised In Quiet, Conflict Avoidant Households Usually Carry 7 Habits Into Adulthood
WaveBreakMedia | Shutterstock As children, we are very observant of our parents and tend to mirror the behavior we see in future relationships. This can be beneficial for those who grew up in an emotionally mature and communicative home. However, not everyone was lucky enough to have had that model.
Families aren’t always open to conversations, especially surrounding conflict. For some, it’s easier to shut down than to talk about what’s bothering them, which causes problems for these kids when they're adults. Avoiding difficult conversations can become a habit that is difficult to quit.
Kids raised in conflict-avoidant households often carry 7 quiet habits into adulthood:
1. They shut down when arguments arise
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Growing up in a quiet, conflict-avoidant home can shape someone’s perspective of arguments. To them, disagreement can feel threatening. Instead of handling what’s going on, it’s often easier to shut down. They want to keep things neutral, but they may not realize it plays a role in their mental health. It can make them question their self-worth, whether they realize it or not.
When someone like this faces conflict, they may feel most comfortable going along with whatever the other person is saying to prevent anything further from arising. This puts the other person first, leaving them feeling like they don’t matter because they were afraid to speak up.
2. They apologize constantly
I have been guilty of this. I often feel like everything is my fault. I find myself thinking that if I apologize before things heat up, I can prevent it from happening altogether. I’ve learned this makes me feel worse because I end up saying sorry even when I’m the one who has been hurt. It starts a vicious cycle of low self-esteem as I feel like I’m always to blame.
Too many apologies can create an imbalance in a relationship. If you’re always the one taking the blame, other people may feel like they’re in control. Being assertive is hard, but it can help you feel better about yourself and make conflict easier to handle.
3. They buckle under pressure
Stress can cause anyone to buckle under pressure. I don’t know about you, but someone’s expectations of me can make me anxious because I don’t want to let them down or risk a conflict. Living with this pressure can make anyone break, which ends up hurting instead of helping. Growing up in a conflict-avoidant household can make someone feel pressured as soon as they feel stressed about an interaction. It hurts their ability to process a situation.
This upbringing can make someone lack resilience. Resilience helps us recover from stressful situations and move forward. Without this, pressure can become so overwhelming that they avoid it entirely.
4. They become people-pleasers
People-pleasing can be someone’s go-to behavior when things become tense. They’ll do anything they can to mellow the situation to avoid an argument. This isn’t to say being a people-pleaser is inherently bad. Often, this type of person is empathetic and observant of how others are feeling. However, they often take on too much, draining themselves in the process.
Some believe the only way to work through conflict is to avoid it altogether. When someone does everything they can for other people, it’s a sure bet they will stay happy (or so they think!). They may not realize how much this affects their feelings. It’s important to find a balance between pleasing others and standing up for themselves, as they often lack the skills to do so.
5. They avoid difficult conversations at all costs
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Most people don’t look forward to confronting someone about their feelings. Growing up in a home that avoided these hard conversations can cause kids to dodge them in adulthood. They’ll do whatever it takes to avoid them. Although it’s not easy, it helps relationships thrive.
Cognitively, they don’t want to risk making people upset because they know it can strain relationships. They want to maintain their social connections and will do so even at the cost of their mental health.
6. They feel insecure and fear speaking up
Insecurity arises when someone accepts poor treatment. They don’t view themselves as worthy of respect because they put everyone else’s needs ahead of their own. They rarely speak up for themselves after spending their childhood in quiet homes without the proper skills to resolve conflict.
When someone is in a cycle of thinking their feelings don’t matter because they don't know how to advocate for themselves, they might think they’re not good enough. They might think their perspective isn't strong enough to be valid. But they're wrong. They deserve to be heard, too.
Non-assertive people rarely get their needs met. Instead, they’re constantly settling for less, leaving them feeling unworthy of good things. They might question themselves because they’re constantly getting the short end of the stick.
7. They rush to fix things before they escalate
If someone seems a little upset with them, a conflict-avoidant person can rush to try to figure out the problem. They care most about keeping the peace, which means they may avoid expressing or advocating for their needs.
However, they’re not used to talking through their feelings and rarely want to hear opposing viewpoints, fearing they’ll be mad. Instead of having an open conversation, they do whatever they think the other person wants. It’s difficult to work through these feelings when avoiding conflict is all they know.
They are most comfortable putting others ahead of themselves. It helps them cope in unknown situations where escalation can occur. Staying out of conflict is their priority, and they’ll try to fix things before they become a problem. Sadly, the need to take away someone’s distress causes them more harm than good.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
