Kids Raised By Parents Who Give Them Too Many Choices Usually Carry 6 Habits Into Adulthood
gorodphoto | ShutterstockTeaching kids self-confidence means giving them the independence to make their own decisions. However, parents need to walk a fine line between giving their kids freedom and letting them have too many choices.
Instead of gaining self-trust, kids with too many choices end up stressed and overwhelmed. Without clear boundaries from their parents, these kids usually develop habits that are coping mechanisms in disguise, and those habits follow them into adulthood.
Habits kids develop when they are given too many choices by their parents:
1. They avoid making decisions because it becomes exhausting
WorldStockStudio | Shutterstock
I struggle with this, and I had no idea there was a name for it until now. Experts call it decision fatigue. Decision-making researcher Eva Krockow, Ph.D., explained, "It’s assumed that, similar to a muscle that tires with exercise, the human mind tires with repeated decision-making, especially if the decisions in question are challenging." She added, "Consequences of decision fatigue are thought to include poorer choices that are susceptible to bias and lack self-control. In some cases, it might lead to decision-makers avoiding to make a choice or struggling to reach a decision even after a period of deliberation."
To put it in kid terms, when they have to make countless minor choices throughout the day, it gets a lot harder to make important choices that matter and then, depending on their age, they can descend into tantrums and moodiness and refuse to make any decisions at all. As adults, the prospect of making decisions is just so exhausting that they avoid it and procrastinate.
2. They avoid normal social activities
Decision anxiety is a real thing, and when it develops in kids, it can make them turn to isolation. Wendy Silverman, PhD, co-director of the Anxiety and Mood Disorders Program at Yale, explained that avoidance is a common symptom of anxiety in children, and it results in a "tendency to stay away from situations, places, or people that cause anxiety."
Kids who get stressed out over simple decisions because of too many choices will try to avoid situations where they have to make choices. If they are tasked with even the smallest choice of what kind of pizza they want at a friend's birthday party or who they want on their team for a game of tag, the stress can ratchet up and make the experience miserable. As adults, they'll just stay home instead of socializing because it takes the stress out of the equation.
3. They struggle with boundaries because they don't know what they want
polkadot_photo | Shutterstock
Teaching children to make good decisions is all about structure. That means parents have to strategically choose when to give their kids independence and when to step in, help them, or make the choice for them. It teaches them from a young age that people are on their side and that they can trust them to help.
Child development specialist Claire Lerner, LCSW, explained that when kids are having temper tantrums, “their brains are flooded with stress and they can't think clearly, so giving choices feels overwhelming.” She went on to say that in these moments, it’s important to set “boundaries to end the madness and help him calm and adapt. Offering more choices is a perilous path to nowhere that is not at all helpful to him when he is completely out of sorts.”
If there is no parental structure around choices, kids will struggle to set boundaries for themselves and respect boundaries others have set. In order to understand boundaries, kids must, as Rae Jacobson, MS of the Child Mind Institute, put it, be "able to recognize what others want and need — and express what they want and need, too." If they can't make decisions, however, they don't know what they want, and they can't recognize what others want either. That doesn't go away with age, and they grow into adults who struggle to maintain healthy relationships.
4. They don't explore hobbies or let themselves have fun
A study from 2000 found that when consumers are presented with 20-30 product options, they are actually less likely to buy one. Or, if they do, they are more likely to have buyer's remorse. When presented with just 6 options, however, they are happy to choose.
When kids have too many options, even things that should bring them fun and joy become taxing decisions they don't want to make. They choice between art class and soccer is so stressful that they choose neither. What should be fun becomes a chore, and that becomes a habit of avoidance. As adults, deviations from work and home add to their stress, so they avoid choosing hobbies.
5. They procrastinate
Child development expert Jen Lumanlan, M.S., M.Ed., explained that procrastination is directly tied to emotional regulation. She noted, "Children who struggle to manage their emotions are more likely to procrastinate. When a child hasn't yet developed strong skills for regulating emotions, they often avoid tasks that trigger uncomfortable feelings. For example, when homework creates anxiety or boredom, instead of working through these challenging emotions, they might delay starting their assignment."
Kids who associate decisions with negative feelings will do exactly what Lumanlan suggested. They will avoid the task that makes them feel dysregulated. That eventually turns into procrastination.
6. They defer to others to make decisions for them
pics five | Shutterstock
As mentioned earlier, when kids with too many choices develop anxiety and ultimately avoid making any decisions at all, someone has to. It could be their parents, teachers, peers, or even siblings. Letting someone else decide becomes a habit that doesn't disappear as an adult.
Something as simple as a restaurant decision becomes a battle of where do you want to go, that seems innocuous but can eventually strain any relationship. Giving over that level of control can also be dangerous if trust is placed in the wrong person.
Sophie Bagheri is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and theatre who covers lifestyle topics.
