Grandparents Who See Their Grandchildren Often Are Smart Enough Not To Say 11 Alienating Phrases To Them
PerfectWave | ShutterstockMulti-generational families are a gift, one that benefits all three generations. According to research, grandparent support during childhood is associated with better well-being as kids grow up. But too often, grandparents make mistakes that alienate the rest of their family, often without even realizing it.
The grandparents who see their grandchildren often work hard to maintain the balance of authority vs. overstepping. They bring wisdom and insight without a patronizing attitude, and love without smothering. Above all, they are smart enough to know not to say a few of the common phrases below.
Grandparents who see their grandchildren often are smart enough not to say 11 alienating phrases to them
1. ‘I guess you're just too busy for me now’
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Grandparents who actually get to see their grandkids often know better than to be passive-aggressive toward their grown kids.
Any time a parent of an adult says something passive-aggressive to their kids or grandkids that paints them as the victim, they push them away little by little. Why? Because they're not being honest, they're being manipulative by trying to evoke pity.
"I guess you're just too busy for me now," ignores the fact that their child is busy raising their grandparents, and makes it about themselves, instead.
Often these grandparents are jealous of the attention their children pay to the grandchildren, which is the opposite of how healthy families function. It's sad, but deep down, these grandparents know haven't been doing their best to bond with their grandchild, because they can't stand for anything to not be about them.
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people understand that having relationships with loved ones is good for them. But, when the researchers explored the issue more deeply, people reported that actually interacting with loved ones is taxing.
That said, it can feel like a hit the heart when a grandparent notices that their grandchild seems occupied with their life, causing them to say the infamous, 'I hope you haven't gotten too busy for me,' liner.
2. ‘I miss the times when you were smaller’
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When grandparents haven't seen their grandchild in a while, it causes them to reminisce about the good old days, and that's totally fine! Their grandkids were probably totally adorable! But the grandparents who see their grandchildren often know that they need to be careful how they talk about this.
Saying something like "I miss when you were smaller" can make it seem like the grandparent doesn't like their grown grandkid as much, and that can make them sad. It's also a great way to get fewer invites in the future.
Great parents will often set boundaries with anyone who makes their child feel bad, or like they're not enough, even if that person is the grandparent.
3. ‘You probably don't remember when we did this together...’
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On the surface, asking, "Do you remember when we did this together...?" may illicit some good memories or happy thoughts. Unfortunately, if those are the primary memories the grandparent has with their grandchild, it can showcase just how absent they've been for the better part of their grandkid's life.
Unfortunately, saying, "you probably don't remember..." can also come across as passive-aggressive, making the grandparent seem like they deserve pity for being so forgettable. This is unfair to do to a grandchild who does or does not remember the event, and there's no deeper meaning behind it.
According to experts, depending on how this memory is stored, it can last from a few seconds to a few decades and children's memories work differently than adults'. So, if the grandparents haven't seen their grandchild in a while, it's best to assume that they don't remember much. Instead of being hyper-focused on the past, they should set their sights on creating memories in the moment.
4. ‘You’re growing up too fast’
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It can be bittersweet for grandparents to watch their grandkids go from roly-poly toddlers into teens and even grown adults. It happens fast, and for most of these people, the days of baking cookies or watching Disney movies have long since ended.
But if their grandparents didn't see much of their grandchild growing up, this growth spurt can especially feel rushed. They might even feel like they lost out, watching as time flies by in the blink of an eye.
This is why grandchildren shouldn't feel too thrown off when their grandparents make these comments. It's not about them, it's about their grandparents missing the old days.
That being said, grandparents who want to stay close to their grandkids know to use phrases like this with caution. They never want to make their grandkids feel bad for growing up, or like they enjoyed them more when they were tiny. That can be incredibly alienating if taken the wrong way.
5. ‘You should listen to your elders; we know best’
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Asking a young person to trust you solely because you're older isn't going to fly with this new generation. Feeling demeaned, grandkids will likely resent their grandparent for giving a command without context.
However, most grandparents don't say this with malicious intent. In fact, they say it to get their grandkids to pay attention and observe the lessons they've been trying to teach them.
The grandparents who stay close with their kids and grandparents know that while they may want to be helpful, young people rarely learn best from listening to others. The exception to this is when someone explains something in a way that puts it into broader context and shares the real reasons behind their advice, rather than issuing a command.
According to educational psychologist Molly M. Jameson, Ph. D., "You can watch a video, take a class, use an app, or read a book… but you have to have some kind of experience that causes the change in knowledge or behavior to happen." So, even though grandparents have the best intentions, it's best to keep the old wisdom for special occasions. Unfortunately, it won't settle all that well.
6. ‘Why don't you come by more often?’
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Grandparents tend to love one-on-one time with their grandchildren and savor that time when it happens. Unfortunately, some of them feel like it's not enough, and instead of trying to find fun things to do together and being welcoming, they say something like, "You need to come over more often!" or something equally as scolding.
There are many reasons why grandkids don't visit their grandparents more. It could be that their parents are too busy with work, that the kids are too busy with school or even that the kids feel uncomfortable at their grandparents' home. Of course, the child isn't going to want to hurt their feelings, so they likely just shrug.
This is why grandparents should be patient and spend time slowly building up their bond with their grandchildren. Be inviting, find fun things to do out-and-about together, when possible. Include the grandchild's parents so they feel comfortable and familiar.
Grandparents who see their grandkids often are smart enough to know that trying to force a relationship is only going to be alienating instead of inviting.
7. ‘So, what do you like nowadays?’
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Grandparents who see their grandchildren often already know a lot about their grandkids' interests, and don't need a primer every time they see them. Because of this, they can ask about the specific things they're into, whether it's a science project, a sports team, or a new favorite toy.
Grandparents who don't spend a lot of time with their family may ask "So, what do you like lately?" and seem like they're genuinely interested. However, they're likely asking because they have zero clue on how to bond with their grandchild or, worse, have no idea what to get them.
This is why grandparents need to do their best to check in with their grandkids occasionally. Whether through the phone or a text message, keeping in touch will prevent these awkward questions from occurring. Even better?
Make time to really talk and play with your grandkids. According to the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC), magic happens when grandparents care for grandchildren, advising that grandparents avoid just repeating the way they parented their own kids, and see it as a new adventure with a whole new person.
Doing this makes it much more likely that grandkids will want to spend more time, more often, even when they're grown up.
8. ‘It’s been so long, I almost forgot what you look like’
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Saying, "It's been so long, I almost forgot what you look like," is a glaring sign of a grandparent who usually doesn't get to see their grandkids often. First, if they did, the joke wouldn't make sense. Second, they'd know a joke like this is just a guilt trip.
If someone checks up on their family members often, drastic changes in appearance shouldn't come as a shocker. Whether it's a change in weight or height, these gradual changes won't be noticed by most people. This is because people are known to have change blindness, according to professor of psychology Ira Hyman, Ph.D. As a result, someone having a haircut or a small growth spurt is likely to go undetected by most people.
But if it does, this is a massive indicator of someone who hasn't seen their grandkids in a long time. And even if they don't mean it literally, if a grandparent wants to see their grandchildren more, they should probably drop the guilt trip.
9. ‘Did you forget about me?’
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Another passive-aggressive signature phrase grandparents who see their grandchildren often are smart enough to say is, 'Did you forget about me?'
It's unlikely their kids and grandkids have actually forgotten they exist, but deep down inside, grandparents know if they've been lacking in communication. Instead of just connecting, they may deflect the blame on their family members to lessen the emotional blow.
Unfortunately, these conversations don't always work in the grandparents' favor. Newer generations tend to be blunt and ruthless, so grandparents risk forgoing contact altogether if they don't tread lightly with this question.
Instead, better ways exist to re-establish communication with their younger kids and grandkids. A study reported in Advances in Child Development and Behavior found that 15% of children have a poor working memory. Knowing this, grandparents can forego the guilt and pressure of blaming the kids for not reaching out and choosing to be the instigators of communication themselves. Take the first step to reach out and let the guilt go.
10. ‘Back in my day, this would not have been acceptable"
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Grandparents who say things that make their kids and grandkids want to avoid them often don't realize how hurtful some of their phrases can be. For example, judging what your grandchild does or wears based on what happened "back in the day," which only shames or annoys grandkids.
Gen Z and younger millennials don't buy into a lot of the shame-based malarky parents used to use to control their kids. These grandkids know that when their grandparents say something like this (unless they clearly are saying they admire their grandchild or the way times have changed), what they really mean is, "I'm judging you but don't want to be direct about my feedback."
This just isn't how these generations do things. They tend to be very direct. They also tend to have a "live and let live" mentality that makes it hard for them to understand why
11. 'Well, that's not the way I'd do it...'
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When a grandparent says they wouldn't do something the way their children and grandchildren do it, it's more than just a simple observation. Most of the time, the grandparent is saying they're doing it wrong.
This often comes up when the grandparent doesn't like the way their child is parenting. Maybe they let the grandchild wear something the grandparent thinks is too grown or otherwise inappropriate, or maybe the parents are allowing the grandchild to do a school overnight trip. Whatever it is, many grandparents cannot help but weigh in, but know they shouldn't do it directly.
That's when things get passive-aggressive or "oh, pity me" in tone. Often that's the end of civility, too.
Grandparents who actually see their grandchildren often are smart enough to know that their job is to support their child in the raising of their grandchild. This is the best way to maintain a healthy, connected relationship for life.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
