The Common Parenting Style That's Linked To More Anxious Kids — Even When Parents Mean Well, Research Shows

There are many things you can get from your parents, and you have to accept the good with the bad. You take their looks, maybe even their voice, but that's all genetics.

What type of things do they pass on from their parenting decisions? Well, if you're an anxious person, then you might want to thank your Mom and Dad's parenting style for that. Nobody wakes up in the morning planning to pass their anxiety on to their kids, but the research on this is consistent, and once you know how the transmission actually works, you can start interrupting it. 

This piece isn't about blaming parents. It's about naming a common parenting style that most anxious adults didn't realize was happening to them as children, so the next generation has a shot at something different.

Even when parents mean well, helicopter parenting is linked to more anxious kids

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A 2015 study followed 900 fraternal and identical twins who had children. They found children had more in common with their parents than with their parents' twins. To try to prove that anxiety isn't just a genetic trait, they looked at the anxiety levels of the twins compared to their children.

How it should work is that the child should have the same amount of anxiety as both her father and her father’s identical twin because she shares the same amount of both of their DNA. 

However, the researchers found that children of twins had more in common with their parents than with their parents’ twin. Kids notice when their parents are worrying, so they begin to adopt the same behavior.

RELATED: The Common Parenting Style That Creates Angry, Anxious Kids, According To Research

There are a few other ways that anxiety can be passed from parent to child, or vice versa, the study explains

Children are able to pick up on their parents' fears and worries by observing their actions or overhearing their words, and then start to have those worries of their own.

Another cause could be what the study calls “negative parenting behaviors,” which is essentially when the parent intentionally hides or shields things from the child, typically things the parent is afraid of.

On the flip side, parents might allow their child's pre-existing anxiety, like their fear of heights or pain at the dentist, to control their parenting choices and allow their child to avoid those experiences, thus not letting children get over that fear, Eley says. A child’s anxiety could even be causing the parent’s anxiety.

Also, leaning on the side of helicopter parenting tends to do more harm than good. A 2018 study followed 422 children over eight years and found that overcontrolling parenting at age two predicted poorer emotional regulation at age five and bigger struggles with school and social adjustment by age 10. 

Kids who aren't given room to struggle never really learn how to handle struggle. Dr. Alicia H. Clark, a psychologist, explained, "Kids are very adept at picking up on nonverbal responses, especially those of their parents. Modeling healthy ways of coping with anxiety, worry, and stress not only helps you better cope but allows your teen to observe valuable skills they might choose to try out themselves."

So, what should parents do as an alternative to helicopter parenting to raise less anxious kids?

"The right thing to do is to help the child have opportunities to take on challenges and tasks appropriate to their age and level of fear," explains the study's co-author, Thaila Eley. "So, they have the opportunity to learn that they can cope with this situation after all." Sounds like pretty sound advice.

Clinical psychologist Erica Wollerman names the deeper fear driving so much anxious parenting, "While we overdo it, we communicate the hidden fears and anxiety that underlie our tendency to do everything for our kids." She continues, "What we end up telling our kids is that we don't think they can do it themselves. We don't think they are going to be okay."

This is one of those parenting realities that feels overwhelming at first and then, a little later, feels like hope. You don't have to be a perfectly calm parent to raise a less anxious kid. You just have to be willing to work on your own anxiety out loud, where they can see you doing it.

RELATED: Child Psychologist Who Studied Over 200 Kids Says This Parenting Style ‘Works Better Than The Rest’

Nicole Weaver is a senior writer whose work has been featured in New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, Psych Central, Yahoo, Huffington Post, MSN, and more.